My first post, maybe not the best way to start, but...

I don't feel good today. In the morning I was okay, better than most days, but as always it was too much and the pain returned. 
I have been trying to sleep right, but the truth is that only the night allows me cry and pull all this off without my parents realise that there's something wrong with me. 
I had a crisis and once again I cried in sadness and despair. I don't know why but I can't do anything else if not be on the internet, it's the only thing I have, the only place I find people like me, or people that care, even a little. But tonight I had one page open that have music on and listening to it helped me a lot and distracted me of the pain. I'm still listening, it doesn't change much what i feel, but somehow makes me feel stable. 
I have this during years now, but it is getting worse so fast. I have been thinking about suicide again and I stopped thinking about it some months ago. I think I need to find medical help, I can't do this alone anymore. I just want my life back, the only thing that keep me going on and wanting to got better is that I used to have good things in life and i believe people can live well, and I want to live. It seems all the hope is gone, but still I want to have hope again. Maybe not like before, because since as i can remember this sadness was always there, but maybe someday i can be better than this all.
My status says I'm okay, but it's not accurate. I'm not in agony anymore, but i'm not quite right either, I'm numb and stable, racional. It have been like this lately.
Maybe tomorrow I can write about better feelings, now i just want to get some sleep because it's six a.m. and after this crisis I feel really tired.