My first panic attack today
I went back to work this past sunday. Some how made it thru the day with only a few tears. Today was our staff meeting at work. Havent been to one in months cause I was not required to go, but I was asked to go to this one this morn to get up to speed on things before I go back full time. Didnt think nothing of it. What I wasnt thinking about was today every staff in the house would be there. there was only a few sun so it wasnt so bad, but today I had to face everyone. I thought I was doin good. And then 20 mins into the meeting I turn around to see who was walking thru the door and there was one of the staff walking in with his baby. And not just "a" baby but his baby boy. Im sure he didnt do it on purpose to hurt me. Like I said I havent been to a staff meeting in months so he mite not even have known I was going to be there. I tried to hold it in as long as I could but I felt my stomach start to ball up and the tears start rolling. I hopped out of the chair, I think I stepped on everyones feet that was in my way but I had to get out of that room. I ran to the bathrom and just sat on the floor and cryed like there was no tomorrow. My stomach ached so bad I thought I was going to be sick. After a few minutes I collected myself enough to walk back out. when everyone saw me I swear you could hear a pin drop it was so silent . I told them I had to leave. I just couldnt handle being around the baby. My boss said okay and I went to grab my things and one of the other girls, whos foot I think I ran over, handed me my things and I tried to get out as fast as possable. To get out of the house you have to punch in a code and my hands were shaking so bad I couldnt get the code punched in. Everyone was still silent so I know they all heard the deep breaths of my panic attack coming on. I tried to hold my breath till I got out the door. As soon as I made it outside I couldnt catch my breath. I leaned over and tried to breathe. It was so hard and hurt. Its the dead of winter here and in the low 20's out and I didnt even take time to put my coat on but was sweating and panting so hard. I somehow made it to my car and just collapsed in the seat and cryed so hard I thought I was going to be sick again. I somehow managed to to start my car and the parking lot was so full I still dont know how I got out of there but somehow I did. I had to get out of there. I started driving home and drove rite past the road to my house. I just kept going. I didnt want to go home. I didnt want to be at work I didnt want to be anywheres except with my lil baby boy.I finnaly forced myself to turn around and head home. Ive never felt so alone in my life than I do right now. Every bit of me is falling apart and I feel like Im on the edge of loosing control. Ive seen other babys around town and did okay, but his baby I knew and I know his parents and I hear all their stories and it killed me to see him. I just dont want to handle this anymore.