My First Journal Entry

I just set up my new account today, and thought i'd write my first journal entry to give the people a little background on me. I am married, have been for three years, but with my husband for four years. The first couple years together were great, especially the first year. We did everything together, had so much fun and looked forward to growing old together. Than something changed two weeks before we were due to get married...
 
      I caught my husband having a 'sexting' relationship with my sister-in-law's best friend. Of all the people, it had to be her, of course everyone found out about it which it made it so much worse. The nerve of him. Every moment leading up to that day I thought my husband was completely faithful, never talked to other woman and he made me believe that was because he didn't know how to. I ignored the warning signs because I was blinded by love. The comments I heard about him being a 'player,' I should have known better. I'm a strong girl, and at the moment I fell weak. I was so in love with him, and knowing all my family was flying up in a matter of days to watch us get married, I felt almost obligated at that point. We talked it out, and thought we had come to an understanding, we would continue our relationship, but we had something that we clearly needed to work on. 
From that moment forward, little did I know, I would continue to have problems with him and other woman. Now, sitting here three years later, I doubt him. I can't take him seriously, I can't believe anything he says anymore, because he is a bullshitter. He makes up lies, he can't be completely honest, it's like it's completely impossible for him. He's continued having online relationships with woman that are either in the same town or as far as 4000 miles away. He gets off on this mental arrousal and gives two shits less about me and how I feel. It's all about him. And to think about everything I've done, and sacrificed for him to save our marriage and work on what was broken to have him continue to go behind my back is sickening. 
      Today is June 22nd, and just two weeks ago I caught him in a sexting relationship again with this time, his ex-girlfriend. It was much worse this time, he talked more than just about sex, but about making a life together and leaving behind what he 'once loved.' After confronting him and telling him it was over, he broke down, as he always does and tried to apologize to me. Suddenly he wants to fix it, suddenly he doesn't want me to leave. I fall for it, again, so many times now that I can't even keep track anymore. The best part about all this is he seems to think if I just 'give him permission' to go out and sleep with other woman it will make us closer? Is he insane? Completely unbelievable. I can't look at him in the eyes anymore, I want out of this toxic hell hole of a relationship. I will get it out, i will be strong.