My first journal entry.

So, hi to anyone who is reading this. I just joined the group tonight so this is my first entry. This is the only group I joined so far, but I also have anxiety, ptsd, anorexia, a domestic abuse marriage, loneliness, a stammer, acid reflux, arthritis and migraines, but those are way too many groups to join at once. It's my depression that I really want to focus on first.
I have had depression on and off since I was about 12. I think it started then because I had been abused by my grandfather since I was 3, I had very absent parents/ sister/ brothers so I had attachment issues, and I developed a stammer at 3 as well. I've always believed those things were a reaction to the abuse (which continued until I was 18) and my absent family. Although it was diagnosed when I was 12, as was my anorexia, my parents weren't believing that I had a problem (they saw it as being a difficult teenager and thought I would grow out of it. I didn't.) and I didn't get treatment.
My depression just continued to get worse really, so I skipped school and ended up leaving at 16 because I couldn't handle it. I became very anti-social and withdrawn, anorexia got worse and I lost my friends because of how much I withdrew. And I guess no one knew how to handle it, how to help. Although a hug would have gone a long way.
When I was 21 I was involved in the Kings Cross Disaster, a fire in a London subway station that killed 31 people. I was in the ticket hall when a huge fireball erupted and exploded, and the fireman who rescued me was one of the ones killed and I never got over it. I was hospitalized for a year afterwards with post traumatic stress. I had crippling depression and anxiety, had nightmares, could not eat or sleep, was overcome with guilt at surviving when others didn't, and would hallucinate that people near me where on fire. I was treated with valium injections when I had panic attacks and given 20 lots of ECT - which wrecked my memory.
After a year of being in hospital on the psych ward, I was moved to a halfway house across the street from the hospital and lived there for a year. We had our own bedroom but shared everything else and a warden lived with us. We had group therapy and individual therapy 7 days a week. I lived with people who had Schizophrenia  or were drug addicts, I was the baby of the house, there were 8 of us and I was also the  'odd one out' but I became very close to everyone as I had a real empathy for them. I am still in touch with some today.  I was there a year and walked out on the day that they told me that I would never recover enough to live independently, hold down a job, marry or have kids. I knew they were wrong.
Since then, my depression has followed a pattern, in that it is reactionary, my doctor told me, but I am admittedly more prone to recurring bouts of PTSD because of the fire. And for me, depression and anxiety go with the PTSD.
I had it bad again when my dad died (I was 24,) my mom died (29), I had 3 miscarriages, we moved to another country to get to know my husband's family (since I really had none by that point) only to be hated, rejected and abused by them. It hit hard then and I was back on meds and in therapy for the umpteenth time.
I have had it over the last 5 years on and off to a varying degree, after both my daughter and I got diagnosed with eating disorders. My depression gets worse when she is struggling and I get scared she could die. I guess it also gets worse when my eating disorder is worse. Or vice versa.
We are going through various crisis at the moment, my daughter's illness and her going away for treatment, our financial problems (credit is shot), getting evicted, my not having a job, my being in a very unhappy, unhealthy abusive marriage and my needing treatment for my eating disorder - all of which are pushing me into one of the worst depressions I have every had. I have no close friends, no family here, so no support network other than a new psychiatrist and an occasional therapist who tells me I need to leave my husband - she's right, but I don't yet have the means to support myself so can't yet leave.
In fact I can honestly say that I have no friends here, my close friends are back in my home country. I have no problem making friends, putting myself out there to meet new people, and I know that I am warm, friendly person, a good listener, genuinely interested in others and am very empathetic...so I make friends easily. The problem I can't sustain the relationship, after a short period of time I start saying no to all invitations as I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of having to meet them for coffee etc, so I say no, and eventually they stop asking. I do see that the problem is me, not them and I think I may have a social anxiety problem as well. But it's a very lonely, sad, awful feeling, not having friends, not having a support network, not having someone I can pick up the phone to. I really want to work on that.
For the last week, I have had the worst episode of depression i can remember. I have been unable to either get out of bed, or leave the apartment. I feel crippled, paralysed by depression and anxiety and feel unable to cope. Some very dark thoughts are going through me head but I am trying to ignore them. I am unable to eat and am wearing the same clothes for 5 days. I was in school, in university I mean, but dropped out of all my classes as the effort was too overwhelming. I started cancelling appointments I had. Everything feels so pointless.  I just want to hide under the covers all day. I cry for hours and hours. I am losing interest in reading. My husband ignores it because he has no clue what to do, but even asking me 'how are you feeling, is there anything I can do?' would be helpful. But he ignores whats happening to me. My daughter is possibly concerned but she is very ill herself.
I am seeing a new psychiatrist tomorrow. I saw him for the first time 2 weeks ago and he put me on Wellbrutrin, which I told him I wasn't happy about because after years of Prozac and then Effexor, I was on Wellbrutrin for 6 months and it did nothing. But he wanted me to try it again so....I wasn't due to see him for a month but I texted him on Tuesday and said I was really in crisis so he is squeezing me in tomorrow.
This is a very long journal entry! I just really wanted to tell my story from beginning to end and having never done that before, I found it really cathartic. It really feels good to be admitting all of this. I will try to journal every day because I love writing - haven't done it on so long - but it does help me. I also want to try to think of something I'm grateful for each day. A little positive thinking actually helps me too. Even if it is only momentarily.
I am hoping to make friends on this community - to share what we are going through, to talk in a safe place, to offer support in a way, as well as to receive it. I'm looking forward to meeting you guys.
Today, I'm thankful for this chance to be really honest about my life right now and write about it in a safe place - this website.