My first journal entry
I sometimes wonder why everything has to happen at once?
I really don't think I can take one more thing.... I will just disenegrate.
In short:
1. My husband says he can't put a time limit on our seperation, doesn't want a divorce and still wants to act like we are friends and buddies which is hard not to do since he's my only friend in this town. So I"m not answering his texts and its killing me.
2. hooked up with my high school sweetheart, and after months of him treating me good, then flipping and treating me like dirt, I found out that he really never broke up with his long time girlfriend like he said. So she contacted me yesterday wanting to know if we seeing each other. I feel so terrible for her, and angry at him for being so evil and just hurting everyone.
3. I moved out of the old house I was taking care of for my dad and got my bills mixed up and every utility got turned off, so he's mad at me and I'm broke from moving. Him being upset with me probably upsets me more than anything in the world. I just had so much on my mind, everything got away from me.
4. Had to be a whistleblower at work, serious federal stuff and it makes me feel like crap. Whats gonna happen? My anxiety is all over the place. I can't talk anymore about that until something happens.
Its really hard to take care of yourself and start excercising and go on a diet when all I want to do is stay in bed. I dread it but I need to talk to the doc about adding an anti depressent to my cocktail. I'm just not coming out of this. I think about suicide everyday. Can;t do that till I pay him off. 80 dollars doesn't seem like much. But it its to me.
I really don't think I can take one more thing.... I will just disenegrate.
In short:
1. My husband says he can't put a time limit on our seperation, doesn't want a divorce and still wants to act like we are friends and buddies which is hard not to do since he's my only friend in this town. So I"m not answering his texts and its killing me.
2. hooked up with my high school sweetheart, and after months of him treating me good, then flipping and treating me like dirt, I found out that he really never broke up with his long time girlfriend like he said. So she contacted me yesterday wanting to know if we seeing each other. I feel so terrible for her, and angry at him for being so evil and just hurting everyone.
3. I moved out of the old house I was taking care of for my dad and got my bills mixed up and every utility got turned off, so he's mad at me and I'm broke from moving. Him being upset with me probably upsets me more than anything in the world. I just had so much on my mind, everything got away from me.
4. Had to be a whistleblower at work, serious federal stuff and it makes me feel like crap. Whats gonna happen? My anxiety is all over the place. I can't talk anymore about that until something happens.
Its really hard to take care of yourself and start excercising and go on a diet when all I want to do is stay in bed. I dread it but I need to talk to the doc about adding an anti depressent to my cocktail. I'm just not coming out of this. I think about suicide everyday. Can;t do that till I pay him off. 80 dollars doesn't seem like much. But it its to me.
Replies
You are in a very bad place--dangerously bad it seems. I agree with the idea of getting an anti depressant and a therapist to help you work through all that is happening right now. The world must seem like its filled with strangers right now. ? It is if you have only one person who is both friend and lover. Or was, or it all seems out of your control which makes it that much worse. My separation lasted 3 weeks, and I had no clue it would suddenly end in divorce. Was a big shock. The week after was horrible, as the reality of the huge change in my life/my future sank in. I cried when I was putting away a christmas ornament that we got to mark our first year together. That was just last year. Now it\'s been 2 weeks since I received divorce papers in the mail from her and I am starting to see things differently. I didn\'t want to, but I can see that I am now in a position to make some changes in my life and take a look at what my options are and what I really want--where to live--maybe not in this area afterall, trying new things that I\'ve thought about before but didn\'t think fit in with the life I had built--joining a men\'s baseball or softball league in the community, coaching a little league team or softball team, teaching swimming lessons, joining a book discussion group at the local library, and looking at my career and if I want to continue on with the track I\'m on or change direction a little or a lot. Could you consider finding another job in a different area, state, where you could give yourself a new beginning? I am thinking about that now, even though it all seems like a bit unrealistic to me. But it gets me looking ahead and at what I want to do and shows me that I can do so much more with my life now if I choose to. I don\'t think you are in that place right now if you are feeling suicidal. Please get yourself into a therapist who can put you on some kind of anti-depressant. I don\'t think, if you are like me, that you will ever be very happy with someone who is not sure if they want to be with you or not when you know that you want very much to be with them. You\'ll always wonder if they still want to be with you which will lead you to try to do whatever it is that you think they want you to do. That\'s what I see for me if I could remain married to my wife. I would not be happy in the end. I would not feel secure in a mutually loving committed relationship/marriage. It\'s time for me to let go, maybe it is for you to. Sorry--one day at a time, and reach out to others like you are with this support group. Let us know how you are doing--we care!