My first journal

I was raised in a  very disfunctional home.  My father was an abusive drunk and my mom was addicted to more pain killers than you could imagine.  My memories of being little are not ones that I can ever look back at and smile..I try to not think much about those days.  All I know is that when I was approaching my teen years  that I would make sure that someday I would have the all american family...a wonderful husband with lots of children and sunday dinners in a home that would be filled with love and laughter...this was my biggest dream and this is what I was someday determined  to find for my self...I guess it is what kept me from going down the same road that my parents had traveled.  I met Jay when I was 17 years old..I was living on my own in a apartment with two other girls.  He was beautiful and kind and after spending a short amount of time with him I new he would be the man that I dreamed of all my life.  We became inseperable and very much in love... I can honestly say that for the first time in my life...I WAS TRULY HAPPY..  Jay and I married on July 3rd, 1978..I was 19 years old and on cloud 9.  Friends and family use to tell me that they envyed our relationship because we were so perfect together and that they hoped to find what we had..this use to make me love him even more because...honstly he could have had any girl he wanted and he chose me to spend his life with..I was always honored.  On August 28th, 1979 god blessed us with our first child..a beautiful little girl that we named Christina Marie..she was our pridde and joy and most defenitly a daddies little girl.  My dream came true ..I had my wish in my life and I began to finaly live.  Not long after Christina came ou son Gerard and now our family was growing...money was tight and Jay worked so hard so I could stay home and raise our children..he never complained and although I didn't get to see him as much as I wanted to when he wasn't at work and home with us it was wonderful. Jay always put us first..I remember during a bus stike in our town he would get up on Saturday morning and walk 4 miles in 10 degree weather to go get extra work..there was times when he got home the snot from his runny nose would be frozen on his face..sound nasty but it just shows the man he was.  We decided to hold off on having more children for a while because of the money issues but agreed that when things got better we would have more.  Jay became a PLumbig machenic and our life was moving ahead..we got a bigger place and had another Baby boy named Raymond.  There was a 5 year diffence in my two sons age so I got to spend allot of time with my baby son because my oldest were in school.  Those big sunday dinners became my way of life and my home was full of so much love and laughter.  GO ME... When my youngest turned 6 Jay and I were facing some hard times...the union that he worked for was getting slow and major lay offs were happening...Jay was layed of periodically and was not handling the preasure very well.  I got a full time job where I worked nghts till 1am so that we wouldn't have to get babysitters.....I know it was hard for him but I always told him things would be fine...although we had 3 children in private school and bills to apy we would find a way....he needed to be the provider and being kind of an old fashion guy he didn't want me going off to my job everynight...I didn't mind because I told hima s soon as his work picked back up I would stop.  Over the next two years I watched a 15 year relationship do a 360.  Almost over night I began to live the nightmare I once had as a child...the stress that Jay was experiencing led him to drinking..what started as  a few beers here and there slowly led to a case of beer a day..I was working most of the time he was drinking...when I would try to discuss this problem with him he would tell me that it made him forget the financial drama in his life but in reality he was adding to the drama...his personality would change and his drive to work hard had left.  We fought allot and the kids were beginning to suffer.  I was back in my hell from childhood only I couldn't run away like I use to..my children needed me and I couldn't bare them to live the life I did but I was still in love and wanted to help him.  I told him it was either the booze or us but he couldn't have both...he would cry sometimes and ask me to help him get well but I new enough about alcaholics and unless they are willing to help themselves no one could help them.  We were at the bottom financially and Jay gave up drinking for a month...things were getting better and I believed that the man I married was back home.  The kids were thrilled to have there real daddy back and they were getting older now.  Christina was 14 and turning into a beauty..Gerard was 12 and Raymond was 7.  July 17th 1994  we woke to a beautiful sunny warm day...Jay was working full time for a friend who owned a plumbing co.  I was still working too so we were moving in the right direction.. Jay wanted to finish up a side job that morning and then said we would all do something as a family in the afternoon.  I got my laundry together and headed out to the locl laundry mat around the corner.  Jay showed up a little while later and told me that his brother Eddie was at the house and that he wanted Jay to go the island to go fishing with him..  I got upset at first because that ruined our plans but he was working hard and loved to go claming so I told him to have a good time.  I was a bit frightened that he could fall off the wagon being there were others going and that those fishing adventures normally included a cooler of cold beers but I trusted him.  I expected Jay home at around 8pm being there was work the next day..9pm no Jay..10pm no jay...by 11pm I was worried now and couldn't understand why he had not called.  I dosed off o the couch and at 2am my doorbell rang....  I thought it was him and I was ready to find a drunk husband on th stoop fundling for his keys but from the top of the staircase I could see the lights from the police car that was parked outside..... I know I was never in my life as firightened as I was that night to open the door...I remember the trembling inside me...and all the thoughts going through my head but I refused to believe it was anything tragic and proceeded down the stairs to the front door.  Are you the wife of Jay..I was asked..I replied Yes..the officer then looked me straight in my eyes and just blurrted it out...YOUR HUSBAND DROWNED TODAY IN LONG ISLAND.....don't remember to much after that moment accept when I turned around my 12 year old son was sitting on the steps in the hallway crying.....I can't really explain the next few weeks because it's all so blurred but I do remember having to tell my children and hold them up...I remember having to get Valium for my 12 year old to go the funeral and I remember feeling like God hated me so bad that for some reason I needed to always be punished.  After the autopsy was completed I recieved a phone call informing me that my husband drowned in 2 feet of water...no one seen him pass out because he strayed away from his brother and friends...Cause of death " drowing due to ontoxication....his alcohol level was .40.  Having to stuggle with burying him knowing that I never helped him get well still haunts me today and trying to heal and at the same time make sure my children heal has strained my life and scared me forever.  I often describe my experience as a train wreck that my family was in...after the crash looking to see if my children are alright and hoping we all surviveFor the next 10 years I became the completely devoted mom...everything was about my children..raising them to be productive adults was all I was concerned about..money was really tight because Jay left nothing and there was no pension, no insurance and just my salary and SSI but we managed okay.  I never dated or went out without my kids ...don't know if that was good for me being I was only 35 but I felt I owed it to the three of them..they needed stability and they needed to feel that we could do it together and bringing other men around would be to difficult for them.  I have no regrets and as lonly as it was at times it was exactly where I needed to be.  As the kids were getting older..life without Jay was getting easier..we missed him everyday he was gone but we were moving on without him.  There were always those special occasions that should have been full of joy and were full of tears instead..graduations, proms, birthdays..driver lisences and two other big moments that ripped my heart out..my daughters wedding day and the birth of my two grandsons...boy would he had been so proud.  Now I cry for what he misses and I always will..he was only beginning tolive at at 38 no one gets the full affect of happiness that we need a lifetime to experience. I am 49 now, Christina is 28 with two beautiful sons and a darling husband..Gerard is 27 and professional dancer who travels the world and who I get to watch on t.v all the time,  Raymond is 22 and followed in his dads footsteps..he is a plumber like Jay and I am proud to be there Mother..there my world.    I will continue my journal tomorrow about where I am today..a new life, a new attitude but of course lots of drama.. to be continued