My First Entry:

I keep trying to find new ways of writing out my pain or record my feelings & thoughts for my girls to someday read.. I hear my oldest is starting to voice her feelings like: why was she not good enough for me to keep when I kept her baby brother? and I know she is wondering why i keep disapearing when i promise to never leave. but what she isnt hearing is that i am here asking & trying to see her but being shut down. Do I really have to wait 12 years for her to know this?? I am told she is lashing out & very confused. I made the decision to relinquish because i believed that she would grow & have all she so deserved instead of knowing stress & chaos & always wanting for things i couldnt afford. my youngest is doing amazing but in all reality she was so littlw that she truly knows this family as her family. And that hurt me at first hearing her call her mommy..but i can find comfort in that now. I would rather that then them treated differently. I start things for my daughter like a blog she can see when she gets older, i dont mention her name or or anything personal like pics. I respect that! I have a journal i wrote to her in but i tend to voice things that she may not need to know..more for me to just free write my feelings. I can only survive day by day & stay healthy & ready for her to come back to me someday.