my first entry

This is my first entry in my journal. Never have been one who writes their feelings down, but rihght now thats all I want to do just to get it out. I never in a million years ever imagined that I would be on a site like this. When I found out that I was pregant, because of my past history I was so scared of loosing the baby I stressed myself out. then 2 months go by, then 3 then 4 then 5 and all I could think was this is for real..In just a few months I was goin to have a my baby in my arms and he was mine forever. I would see other lil boys around and start to picture what my lil Max was goin to look like someday. who he was goin to be when he grew up. His father didnt want anything to do with us. He told me that he trie to have kids before but couldnt so it couldnt be his. I just told him I tried for 10 yrs and didnt get pregnant so I guess it not mine either. I never thought that I would be a single mother someday. I am one of those people that plans out everything in life. If its not on the calender then its not happenin. I planed on goin back to school this past fall. I was goin to move back to Oklahoma in the fall of 2011 and make something of myself someday. I bay was never in the cards for me. I was told after sergery on my cervix 8 yrs ago that I wouldnt be able to carry children. Then after yrs of trying and hoping they were wrong, I just gave up. I spent my time spoiling other peoples kids but inside I longed for the day that a lil one would call ME mommy In sept of '10 I missed my period. I am very regular..every 28 days on the dot. I went to one of my friends at work and told her I was 2 days late. I had cramping like I was goin to get it, but it naver came. She asked if I was pregnant and I told her there was no way. It prob just stress. She told me to take a test just to be sure. I didnt listen. I convinced myself it was just stress. then another day went by with no period then another. I started to worry something was wrong because I have issues in that area of body before. Just to humor myself I went and bought 2 pregnancy tests. I need confirmation on EVERYTHING!I dont beleive anything without hard proof. I went home and took the first test. Silly me I put the pee in the wrong spot on test..lol it wasnt till i sat there wonderin why there was no result thata when i figured out I did it wrong..see how often I take these tests..lol..anyhow i did it the rite way the next time. actually read the box for instructions. In less than a second it came of POSITIVE!..no way!! there was no way I was pregnant. I heard that stress cn trigger test wrong. that had to be it. So I took the second one. always need my backup. Again instant posative. I just stood there in my bathroom in shock. This wasnt real. Then the flood of emotions hit and I fell to the floor crying. Not that I was sad but that I was shocked and scared. A baby was inside of me. INSIDE OF ME!!.. I called the doc office and asked if these tests could be wrong. The nurse told me its rare but it does happen. I told her I took 2 test and both posative. She laughed and said" huny, Im prety sure ur pregnant". holy shit was al I could think. What was I going to do.?what was my family goin to say? How was I goin to support this child? would I be a good Mother? Later that day I made the appoint for US. they schedule me for 2 weeks later. 2 days after finding out in my bathroom I had spotting. I was so scared. I called a friend of mine and she went to the ER with me. It was then the pregnancy was confirmed and I was told sometimes in the begining there is spotting and not to worry. Everthing looked good. I went to the US appoint and saw for the first time on the screen a heartbeat. I began to cry. I still didnt beleive it. I made an appoint with a midwife and went to that first appoint. They had to take pregnancy test again cause my brain was still telling me this was not for real. The doctor walked in the room and her first words ever to me were" this is really for real Cortney. You are pregnat" and she smiled at me.she then explained to me the chances of misscarriage and how I would be closley monitered because of past health issues in that area. They were not sure my cervix would hold the baby. 2 days later I was pulled out of work. I was to much of a high risk and they didnt want to take any chances. I spent the next 6 weeks at home with no income. dealing with disability is not fun and they give u the run around as much as they can. After being off for so long I lost my health insurance cause I could nnot pay for it. I applied at socail services and they told me that they dont consider you pregannt till 5 months and they denied me. I didnt think anything could get any worse for me at that moment. And then I told the father. He denied it as his and that was it. I never felt more alone.Fter my 3 month mark the nurse walked into the room and began to clap. "you did it girl, you made it past the 3 month mark". She told me the chances of loosing the baby was very slim now and I was goin to be alright. I still didnt have that motherly feeling inside me. I think it may be cause I was still in shock or because everything that was happening around me. some people may think I am a bad person for not feeling that conection but untill you truelly know someone you have not right to judge. Untill you know al the heartbreak and bullshit I have been thru in my life You know nothing about me. I NEVER regreted this baby, but wondered at times how things may have gone different if this hadnt happend. My family was very excepting of the situation. they were so happy for me. I was finally having m baby.I thought they would be upset with me brcause I wasnt married or in a relationship with the father, but they were very kind about it and just wanted me to do what makes me happy.At the end of october they finally let me go bak to work after weeks of begging. I could only tke a position that did not offer insurance but at that point I didnt care. I just wanted to get back to my life. My people at work were happy for me and all tried to give thier"pregnancy advice". My doc told me not to listen to them..lol..do only what she says..lol. I despretly wanted it to be a girl but from the day I found out my gut told me it was a boy. Not that I dont like lil boys its just I always dreamed of a lil girl. But i told myself as long as it was healthy and happy I didnt care either way. I called my mother that I havent talked to in yrs. ..thats a whole nother long story in itself....anyhow she was so excited. This was her first granchild. She wanted to make up as a grandmother for the mother she wasnt. She too wanted it to be a girl. I told her I would find out in dec what it was and let her know. For the first week after I told her she called me everyday to see how I was doing. She told me about the moses basket she was making and how happy she was for me and how much she wanted to be there for me.  She sent me a package in the mail. Some money to help with bills and a blanket with a monkey on it.Babies first blanket. It was so cute. She said that baby was goin to be her "lil monkey" and when she saw it she had to buy it. I decided to go with the animal theme. I just seemed perfect.could go either way.I was four months at this point and started to think something was wrong with me that I still didnt have that motherly click.Maybe I didnt but was so afraid of heartbreak that I wouldnt let myself feel it. I remeber telling my mom my biggest fear was goin thru all of this and there not be a baby in the end.  The big test was about o come up. The test on my cervix. I didnt sleep for days. I wasnt sure I would be able to handle anymore bad news in my life at that point. I was also goin to find out the sex of baby in that apoint. It was dec 2nd 2010. my Aunt, stepmom and lil sister were there to find out sex with me. They put the moniter on my belly and before the tech could say a word and told her "its a boy" and for the first time in a long time I smiled.I dont know why but at that very moment it all hit. I wanted A BOY!!I wanted to give my father the grandson he always wanted. He is very sick and were not sure how much longer he will be with us and I wanted so bad to give him this one last gift before he died. My baby was stuburn one and didnt want to open its legs but the tech said if she had to guess she was goin to guess...A BOY!!! That was ll I needed to hear. I never from the begining it was a boy. I guess motherly instincts crept up on me when I wasnt looking. They did the test on my cervix and told me I would have results the following week. Talk about a loooong week for me. I called my mother and told her we having a boy. I thought she would be sad cause she wanted a girl but instead was so excited. I thought my dad was goin to cry when I told him. They aske me what I was goin to name him. I had been thru many names but I told myself when I find out the first anme that came to my head would be its name. Max Robert David Dawson. Come to find out my mother said if she was to have another boy she was goin to name him Max. the name was special. Robert was after my father and grandfther and David after my fav uncle and other grandfather. To me it was the perfect name.Everyone started callin him "lil monkey Max"I went to doc to get test results and feared the worse. She walked in and smiled at me and said that everthing looked great. The sergery took form with not length and length is what holds the baby. releif ran thru my body. They sceheduled another US to confirm it was a boy. I went bak the following week and as soon as the dobbler hit my belly lil Max spred his legs wide open showin off his "stuff" like he was a proud man of what he had been givin.In that US we snapped a pic of him sucking his thumb. It was rite then and there that motherly click hit me. He was to perfect and stole my heart.I never wanted him than I did at that moment. He was my lil boy forver. I also started to feel him move and kick around this time. I could tell u what time of day he was awake. Same times everyday. I strted to read books to him. I would talk to him when I wsa on the computer. I would rub my belly all the time and say hello to my baby everday.It was just all to real for me now. If I lost this baby it would be the end of me.He was me..everything I am or wished I could be. I wanted the best life for him. Happiness and love and support. Everything I ever wanted. I wanted to watch him grow into a good man someday.I wanted to see his first smile, hear his first laugh. I told everyone I would have the perfect baby..never cry never poop..lol..He was MINE. My miracle baby and I loved him more than anything I have ever loved in my life.... to be continued..