My First Entry
Hi. I kinda don't know how to start this. My name is Rissa, I'm going to be 28 next month, and I'm a survivor of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. My father killed himself when I was 13, but it was almost a relief because it got me away from my abuser, my stepbrother.
I have struggled with many things- Ana/Mia, cutting, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and anxiety. Most days I can get through okay... but last week I almost checked myself into the hospital. I had missed my Prozac for a couple days and was paying the price. I started taking it again and I'm feeling a bit better.
My brain kinda recycles itself in a way. I was talking to Geo the other day (my hubby) and he mentioned "mustard." I looked at him funny. He said that we used to joke about mustard all the time. I have no memory of this, but he has no reason to lie to me. I just finished a book, Bag of Bones by Stephen King, that I had read a couple years ago but didn't remember. I picked up the book thinking I had never read it before, and couldn't remember the plot or how it ended. Same thing with movies and many other things.
I don't really struggle with cutting or ana/mia on a daily basis anymore, but they are still there. I think my brain has "overwritten" some of those thoughts to where they don't affect me as much anymore. I don't claim to have a cure to anything. My brain just "forgets" things, whether they are good (like Geo and I joking about mustard) or bad (how I used to not be able to survive a day without cutting). It's really disturbing how I can't remember these things... but I guess you have to take the good with the bad.
I have struggled with many things- Ana/Mia, cutting, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and anxiety. Most days I can get through okay... but last week I almost checked myself into the hospital. I had missed my Prozac for a couple days and was paying the price. I started taking it again and I'm feeling a bit better.
My brain kinda recycles itself in a way. I was talking to Geo the other day (my hubby) and he mentioned "mustard." I looked at him funny. He said that we used to joke about mustard all the time. I have no memory of this, but he has no reason to lie to me. I just finished a book, Bag of Bones by Stephen King, that I had read a couple years ago but didn't remember. I picked up the book thinking I had never read it before, and couldn't remember the plot or how it ended. Same thing with movies and many other things.
I don't really struggle with cutting or ana/mia on a daily basis anymore, but they are still there. I think my brain has "overwritten" some of those thoughts to where they don't affect me as much anymore. I don't claim to have a cure to anything. My brain just "forgets" things, whether they are good (like Geo and I joking about mustard) or bad (how I used to not be able to survive a day without cutting). It's really disturbing how I can't remember these things... but I guess you have to take the good with the bad.
Replies
Wow seems so familiar with the forgetting things. This never was a problem for me... then all the sudden with my last traumatic event in my life in 2008 when evertyhing just came back the ED/ Flashbacks/nightmares/PTSD i started this horrible forgetting thing. It is so hard.... i forget birthday dates, when bills are due or which ones ive paid or not paid, forget passwords to accounts, forgot my PIN number for bank account for the ATM card ive had for over 10 years how embarrassing! I just kept using the excuse its old age lol since i turned 40 that year it all started... but now im thinking its like a way of my brain telling me to slow down and i need a break.
Even though I have had a pdoc tell me it\'s not the meds, I have no reason to think it is anything else. I was a straight-A student in high school (okay, well, I only got straight A\'s twice, but my GPA was 3.9) and then suddenly in college I get put on all these meds and my memory is just gone. I was on Doxepin, and I couldn\'t remember the beginning of a paragraph when I was done with it. I stopped taking that, but my brain is constantly doing what I consider \"overwriting\" on my old memories.
proverb: when you stop looking back at the past you are on the right track.
my cousin was a thorazine after he did lsd as a senior in highschool. they forced the thorazine on him, he was an A student and varsity football, the thorazine screwed up his brain PERMANENTLY. he has never been okay since then. never was an a student again. very sad. its from the drug. its not him.