My first Easter with no contact
Well I have made it through my first Easter with out any attempt to contact my kids. No Easter candy through the mail, no cards, no email, nothing! And of course there was nothing from them. My daughter did spend the week with her dad at our(sorry it used to our, now its "his")cabin in Northern California, so I guess she was just to busy having fun to think of me. My son is still in school and I guess the same thing is true of him. It has now been 28 days since I last attempted to call them. But it is2 months since I last heard my son's voice or got an email. I have not heard my daughters voice in 6 months, but I did get an email from her 6 weeks ago. I guess Mother's day will be a no show for both of them, course I haven't heard from my daughter on Mother's day for the past 2 years, so I guess things won't change. Why does this tear my insides out just to think of it???? My head is going to explode from trying not to cry. Breath deep and calm down.
I had a really nice dinner at Souplantation with Dorothy and her company from Kentucky. They left this morning. They had a nice trip to Las Vegas and Lake Havasu.
Poor Dorothy looks wiped out.
I am having hard time writing this all I want is to talk to my kids, to hear their voices. I am not handling this well. I don't know what else to do.
But I really am happy to hear that all my friends at DS seem to be having a happy Easter.
Several people have mentioned to me to volunteer somewhere on Mother's day. I could do that, but I probably won't because in some way I want to be in such pain from having to acknowledge that my children don't love me or care anything about me that maybe I can learn to not care or think about them ever again. When I am in unbearable pain I seem to learn best. After I have myself in a better place then I will try and volunteer, not to mention there is no such thing as volunteering for the day around here. They have to do a invasive research about anyone trying to volunteer for anything and you must do it 6 months before you are even thinking about actually volunteering. Then you must qualify and then be trained and maybe just maybe they will actually use you. I have had bad experiences here in California trying to volunteer for anything. They are worse than applying for a job or a loan. So I couldn't volunteer at this late date and even hope to do anything for Mother's day, it is less then a month away. Besides the people I would probably be helping have more than I will ever have. But I will never see their money or their help because I came from a "nice" background, I don't do drugs. So until I am in a better place there will be no volunteering for me. And of course when I am in a better place, I won't have the time to volunteer, which no one will understand.
I am just whining again so I must stop. I wish I wouldn't whine so much.
I had a really nice dinner at Souplantation with Dorothy and her company from Kentucky. They left this morning. They had a nice trip to Las Vegas and Lake Havasu.
Poor Dorothy looks wiped out.
I am having hard time writing this all I want is to talk to my kids, to hear their voices. I am not handling this well. I don't know what else to do.
But I really am happy to hear that all my friends at DS seem to be having a happy Easter.
Several people have mentioned to me to volunteer somewhere on Mother's day. I could do that, but I probably won't because in some way I want to be in such pain from having to acknowledge that my children don't love me or care anything about me that maybe I can learn to not care or think about them ever again. When I am in unbearable pain I seem to learn best. After I have myself in a better place then I will try and volunteer, not to mention there is no such thing as volunteering for the day around here. They have to do a invasive research about anyone trying to volunteer for anything and you must do it 6 months before you are even thinking about actually volunteering. Then you must qualify and then be trained and maybe just maybe they will actually use you. I have had bad experiences here in California trying to volunteer for anything. They are worse than applying for a job or a loan. So I couldn't volunteer at this late date and even hope to do anything for Mother's day, it is less then a month away. Besides the people I would probably be helping have more than I will ever have. But I will never see their money or their help because I came from a "nice" background, I don't do drugs. So until I am in a better place there will be no volunteering for me. And of course when I am in a better place, I won't have the time to volunteer, which no one will understand.
I am just whining again so I must stop. I wish I wouldn't whine so much.
Replies
04/25/2011 11am
Do all the whining you want. We\'re here to listen. How I wish I could just take the pain away for you, but I can listen, and maybe in some way I can help you.
Your children will have to live with the decisions that they have made. I\'m sure they know that they are wrong, but youth doesn\'t let them understand that. They are not standing on their own. They are letting their Dad rule their lives. I know in my heart that they will have to grow up soon and face the facts.
Until then you\'re doing the right thing. No contact, as painful as that is, is the right choice. Stay strong and take each day as it comes.
Please just remember that you are a good friend of mine, and that I\'m praying for you. I\'m also sending you (((Hugs))), love, and friendship.
I\'m always here to listen, even though I don\'t have all the answers, I\'m here to understand.
Oh but you do have the right answers, and you do understand. It just seems all I do is whine. I don\'t like being negative. I would rather have fun things to tell everyone about or what I have learned, but so far I have very little of that. So I whine. Thanks so much for listening and I wish things were different for both of us, if not for all of my friends here on DS. We all have super difficult things to get past and so far everyone else seems to be making real headway, I just am losing site of my progress. I only have a certain amount of patience, once that is gone, I just go a little crazy. Once when my son was a baby an old girlfriend of my ex was visiting and she gave me a back handed compliment \"oh you have so much patience with your son, if he was mine I would have spanked a long time ago!\" All I was doing was changing his diaper and he was wiggling a little bit?!! At the time I told myself, see this is why he married you, he knows how good you really are with children. But of course he knew no such thing and that old girlfriend is still a part of his life along with all the others, only I am gone.
If you need to whine til the cows come home; then that is what we will listen and respond to. Some of us will point out to you that thru all the \"whining\" you think you are doing yoiu are slowly moving forward. Slwo progress is lasting progress.
This is a milestone for you. It was Easter and you didn\'t call your kids like you wanted to. For what it\'s worth I think you did good.