\"MY FEARS IN LIFE THAT RAN MY LIFE\"

Thinking back when I was a little girl I was Shy, basically afraid of life and what my purpose was in life,,right from the start I didn't want to live life on lives terms, starting right from kindergartin, I never wanted to do what was laid out for me to do, such as school work, I felt like I had "ADD"  couldn't pay attention to what the teacher was trying  to teach me, I was always worried about what other people thought about me, what ever someone would do, like if they dropped a pencil or what ever they were doing it distracted me. I thought they were better than me, and smarter than me, b/c when the teacher asked the class a question,  I would raise my hand to answer the question, what ever my answer was someone else's  answer was better than mine, I felt like the teachers didn't like me, so I was afraid to ask for help, if I asked I felt stupid, If I asked once, and I still didn't get it , I wouldn't ask again so I just gave up, I never wanted to do what I was told to do b/c I had no Interest, because I was the type of person that I needed one on one help until it clicked, but when it clicked I would be the best in what was taught to me, I was good with hands on, anything to do with written work or reading I couldn't comprehend it, so I was frustrated, b/c in my head I knew what I wanted to do, but never could explain it to any one, and when I did have a plan everyone would be negitive, and would make me feel fear of what I wanted to do, than I would give up, so I became defiant , and did what I wanted to do anyway, my dreams were to build a house, having children, and the man I ended up with didn't have goals or any direction in life, but b/c I took after my mother a care taker, I stayed with this man and ran the show, I drew up house plans ,bought a piece of land, and my boy Friend thought I was crazy, he said how can we do that, I said watch me, I lined up all the contractors, and Started building  the house, so my boyfriend saw how serious I was and was so glad I did it, So we had our first child Ryan, it was the happiest day of my live, I had fear all the time that something was gonna happen to him, my son was my life, his father was a verbel abusive person, not to our children only to me, so I held on to my son for dear life, gave him all my love that I couldn't give his father, and I think the reason way I stayed with him,  b/c I felt that I wasn't smart enough to be with someone smarter than me... What I was attracted to was his strong musles,  he had a great build, good looking man, but no direction in live, I had to run the house hold, and he resented me for making him feel less of a man, but he didn't know how to control money, he was a drinker and got into drugs and would spend his pay check sometimes 3 weeks in a row, no commuications, just a horrible relationship, but I felt like I had to take care or him, and I had compassion, and felt like he needed me to take care of him, but what I loved about him, he was a hard worker, I knew deep down inside he was a good person, so I was hoping someday he would change, Now we had a baby girl Erica 4 years after our son, that was my dream to have a dark haired brown eyed  boy, and a blond haired blue eyed girl, and I got my wish , I had the most perfect children, so I put all my love into my Children , My chidren were my whole life, and the childrens father and I never got married, we were together for 21 years, I finally got the courage to finally leave him on Saint Patricks day, Year of 2000, I feel guilty for not having a normal marriage like every one else.... The good thing was we had a very close family, my parents had a pool, and my brother had a camp on a lake, so between the two places my 2 brothers, and all 8 of our children were so very close, I bought a boat for the camp and taught all 8 children how to water ski, knee board, and tubing, we had a blast.. My mission in life was to show my kids a great time, so now I had to go out and buy a couple snowmobiles, took the kids up north, stayed in hotels where everyone would go snowmobiling for a whole weekend.... So I think B/C how I felt about myself growing up, I went out bought 3 dirt bikes, so my son and a friend or his father and I could dirt bike together (Erica was to young at the time to go with us) So anyway I had an addiction spending money, soooo I had to get a 4 wheeler, and a go cart, "why not we had to have all the toys"... Don't get me wrong I had a good up bringing when I was little too, We also had a camp, and the ocean to go to, plus the toys too... (I think I'll start the rest of the story in another journal, this might be to long to read all at once)   LOVE, KELLY