My Fear.
I'm sick of this fear so much.
I get migraine auras before my migrianes. I get visual disturbances, which are like flashing lights going in a circular motion, i get speech disturbances, which causes me to talk backwards, slurr my words, have a hard time forming words, saying the wrong words ECT, and i also get numbess in my limbs, my arms go numb mostly, its never happened in my legs yet and sometimes it goes into my face and mouth. These auras scare me so much, because, they mimic my worse fear right now, STROKES.
So a few weeks ago my mom came home from going out with my son and step dad. I was working out using my Wii fit and i was telling her she ruined my work out routine, but at first i couldnt say the word "ruin" so i flipped out and started crying like i always do when i feel like im not talking right. and i ended up creating a compulsion for the stroke fear.
My therapist told me a few weeks back that if you're having a stroke, you can't think you're having a stroke, and if you can put your arms up in the air or over your head with no problem, if you can smile without your mouth going to one side or you can stick your tongue out, you're not having a stroke.
So that day i picked up this compulsion. I have to think im having a stroke or if i dont think im having a stroke i think im going to have one. I have to put my arms up in the air for at least THREE minuets to make sure i can and i have to smile and stick my tongue out multiple times a day just to prove that im not having a stroke. (And i also just started checking my balance to make sure my balance is the same on both sides, because strokes usually affect one side). I do my compulsion MULTIPLE times a day. It's so hard to stop. And i have this thing where i ask people if im going to have a stroke, like 20xs or more and i still get the same response.
I just can't stop. I know deep down inside of myself that it is just my anxiety and OCD. But i just can't stop this compulsion. I feel like its controling my life and its not fun dealing with this all the time every 10 minuets of the day/night.
Im also on high alert for a migraine to come on. I watch what i say. when i talk i have to pay close attention to my speech now to make sure its not slurring on me or to make sure im not saying things wrong or backwards. And it's driving me nuts.
I just want to be a normal 22 year old and not one that sits around all day waiting for a stroke or a migraine that mimics strokes either to happen. I want to enjoy my life. I want to be able to do normal things like go for a walk without thinking any second i am going to drop dead from a stroke. I don't know what to do anymore. Or how to feel anymore. I want this fear to just disappear.
I think the thing that bugs me the most is that i know im going to have another migraine with an aura at some point again in my life, and im going to end up having a panic attack because i have myself so worked up over having a stroke. I know it will happen. Ive been getting migraines like that sense i was 11. The same symptoms too. and i wasnt afraid it was a stroke at that age, i didnt even know what a stroke was, and i wish it was still like that.
This fear has gotten so bad that ANY little tingle, twitch, muscle spasm, pain, numbness, anywhere, i think is a stroke. I just wish i could stop it on my own. I wish i could. It needs to stop. It's destroying my life, and i dont want that. I want to live. I'm sorry this was so long, and im also sorry if i bothered anyone with this post. I just had to get this out. I'm at my wits end.
Thanks for reading.
I get migraine auras before my migrianes. I get visual disturbances, which are like flashing lights going in a circular motion, i get speech disturbances, which causes me to talk backwards, slurr my words, have a hard time forming words, saying the wrong words ECT, and i also get numbess in my limbs, my arms go numb mostly, its never happened in my legs yet and sometimes it goes into my face and mouth. These auras scare me so much, because, they mimic my worse fear right now, STROKES.
So a few weeks ago my mom came home from going out with my son and step dad. I was working out using my Wii fit and i was telling her she ruined my work out routine, but at first i couldnt say the word "ruin" so i flipped out and started crying like i always do when i feel like im not talking right. and i ended up creating a compulsion for the stroke fear.
My therapist told me a few weeks back that if you're having a stroke, you can't think you're having a stroke, and if you can put your arms up in the air or over your head with no problem, if you can smile without your mouth going to one side or you can stick your tongue out, you're not having a stroke.
So that day i picked up this compulsion. I have to think im having a stroke or if i dont think im having a stroke i think im going to have one. I have to put my arms up in the air for at least THREE minuets to make sure i can and i have to smile and stick my tongue out multiple times a day just to prove that im not having a stroke. (And i also just started checking my balance to make sure my balance is the same on both sides, because strokes usually affect one side). I do my compulsion MULTIPLE times a day. It's so hard to stop. And i have this thing where i ask people if im going to have a stroke, like 20xs or more and i still get the same response.
I just can't stop. I know deep down inside of myself that it is just my anxiety and OCD. But i just can't stop this compulsion. I feel like its controling my life and its not fun dealing with this all the time every 10 minuets of the day/night.
Im also on high alert for a migraine to come on. I watch what i say. when i talk i have to pay close attention to my speech now to make sure its not slurring on me or to make sure im not saying things wrong or backwards. And it's driving me nuts.
I just want to be a normal 22 year old and not one that sits around all day waiting for a stroke or a migraine that mimics strokes either to happen. I want to enjoy my life. I want to be able to do normal things like go for a walk without thinking any second i am going to drop dead from a stroke. I don't know what to do anymore. Or how to feel anymore. I want this fear to just disappear.
I think the thing that bugs me the most is that i know im going to have another migraine with an aura at some point again in my life, and im going to end up having a panic attack because i have myself so worked up over having a stroke. I know it will happen. Ive been getting migraines like that sense i was 11. The same symptoms too. and i wasnt afraid it was a stroke at that age, i didnt even know what a stroke was, and i wish it was still like that.
This fear has gotten so bad that ANY little tingle, twitch, muscle spasm, pain, numbness, anywhere, i think is a stroke. I just wish i could stop it on my own. I wish i could. It needs to stop. It's destroying my life, and i dont want that. I want to live. I'm sorry this was so long, and im also sorry if i bothered anyone with this post. I just had to get this out. I'm at my wits end.
Thanks for reading.
Replies
well sweetheart i too have migraines with the aura numbness slured speech my hands have become numb before but that is all the sypmtoms of migraine which is also what you have.Now the thing is with anxiety is it can make you latch onto a thought that frightens you, with you it is a stroke, but it realy could be any thought. The constant need for assurance is natural when you are in that bad place.But your not having a stroke just very high anxiety, when this happens tell yourself this, my obssesive thoughts were to horrible to even print, but and this is important they DID stop, and so will yours, when you accept these thoughts for what they are ANXIETY, horrible i know buts thats the absolute truth promise, the least importance you put on these thoughts the more they will receed and not frighten you so much, i learnt this fron a therapist and she was so right, so have ago and with time it will get better, love to you susan