My experience in a story

The "Charming" Man

Every girl has that dream of being a princess in a castle locked in a tower. A charming prince climbs up the tower after fighting the dragon and rescuing her, obviously living happily ever after riding on horse back into the sunset!
My situation how ever was completely different!
I compare mine to a terminal illness, you know it's going to get worse and as time goes by you know that feeling where you know the end is coming and each day it is closer and the anxiety kicks in! You feel tired, emotionally and physically drained, you feel like you don't want to carry on you don't see the point in carrying on, like ending everything quickly rather than suffering would be the better option, when Getting out of bed seems like an impossible task, when you cannot even bring yourself to look in the mirror because you see it as repulsive!
You get to a point where you find it so so hard to think of anything positive! All these feelings that were riddled through my body wasn't a terminal illness! This was the emotional abuse caused by the man I love! The man I feel so deeply about that I struggled to see any wrong in any of his behaviour! For nearly 3 years these feelings were worsening and it was normal, for me anyway!

All these fairytales and childhood fantasies I had about relationships had vanished. I started to see this as normal!
Is this really how you're meant to feel when you're in love with someone?
Is it normal for someone who claims to "respect you" and "care about you as a person" who thinks you're this fucking "great girl" and don't forget the "friendship" that he valued so deeply!

Clearly normal in his narcissistic head!

This isn't normal

It will never be normal

Feeling so low! Confidence shot to pieces after spending years bettering yourself to build that up it is torn back down by someone you love by someone you have given every ounce of the happy, bubbly person you once were! When that happiness was genuine you didn't have to fake it because that's was who you were! Instead you force it! I laugh harder at jokes just to cover the pain and the constant over thinking that is forever going through your mind. When you don't get that text back. What have I done this time? Is it because I suggested coffee? I shouldn't have done that!

The hardest thing is... he's clever... with his words. Manipulative. "We'll keep this between us", "the gossiping makes it harder" , " no one needs to know it's our private life". Piss off! You mean if no one knows you won't look like this mind playing, horrible, spiteful man that you really are! Who bullies women. Who brings woman down to there breaking point where they believe every single lie that comes out of that poisonous mouth of yours!

You don't want people seeing the real you!
You're not as powerful then!

It's funny because looking at everything I've said before makes me ever question what I ever seen in this man! He wasn't always like that, well it took a few months before the true colours of this monster finally started showing in the cracks!
He was lovely, made an effort, wanted to go on day trips, meals, meet the family everything you expect when you start to date someone!
I fell thick and fast,head over heels!
He knew everything about me a trust I thought I would never be able to have with someone after the shit that I went through in previous relationships!
Him being fully aware of this! Aware of The ex that cheated, lied and manipulated me! He reassured me, promised me that he would never do that or make me feel that way again!
Everything you could want in a man I was getting!
It was perfect... ish!
Then the cracks formed, the mind games started! Nights out with friends ended in arguments! I mean who stands flirting with every girl that makes eye contact with you knowing that the girl you're dating, seeing, with? (I wish I could be more certain on what this mess was)

No one does that and expects that person to be ok with it! I had a drink, I got jealous, insecure, upset.... something I had never felt before!
I had never been one to cause a scene on a night out! But this was becoming a regular thing now! And I would be apologising every single time! I would feel bad! Feel bad because of that girls number he got infront of me! I'd feel bad because I got upset that he would purposely do anything to make me feel like shit! Yet I was sorry? Everytime?
I was the bad guy
I was the bad guy to all of my friends, my work colleagues, managers. Because " he would never do anything to deserve that"
"He's lovely"
"She must fancy him, just a crush"
People turn against you, they start talking about you behind your back!
Or tell you to simply "get over it"

It's wrong!
It doesn't stop there! It gets worse from this point!
This whole weird mess I was caught up in was on and off like a tap! I didn't know wether I was coming or going but let's be fair, as long as he knew when he wanted me then he had me! The trap started getting smaller and smaller and I couldn't get away! The more I was around him the harder it would be to try and move on or escape from his clutches!
Why can't I just let him go? Why can't I be happy? Why is he treating me like this?
The questions that constantly cross my mind!
The deeper I fall in love with him the more control he has over me!
I was right where he wanted me!
He could message me out of the blue, "are you free tonight, can I come round" first message in 5 weeks and I would say yes. I would drop everything at the drop of a hat for him! I knew deep down it was sex.... sex and nothing more!
But somewhere in my confused little brain of mine there was a tiny bit of hope! That the more time we spent together maybe it might go back to the way it used to be!
Yet he was on dating sites!
I mean POF and tinder what ever is it
Is this where you plan on claiming your next victim ? Whilst still sleeping with me? Telling me "you're not ready for commitment"
" you're getting help because you just don't feel emotion" " you can't love and you want to work on it"
Right well I don't see that in your BIO or anywhere on your profile for that matter!
So when do you plan on telling these girls this! Seeing as you're "single, looking for a relationship"

It's sick really... one day if a woman is unfortunate enough to be completely stuck in your trap and have your daughter. Part of me wants you to walk in to her room and find her crying so hard she can't breath, crying so hard that she is near vomiting! Nose running, eye red raw where stopping the tears is impossible! Emotions and pain hitting so hard and when you ask her that question "what's wrong, tell your dad what's wrong?"
"Please let me help you, I can't see you like this"
And when you are near tears because your baby girl is so broken, broken to the point she cannot physically find the words or breathe in her body to tell you!
But eventually she squeezes out in between the gasps for breathe "he's done it again dad", "he's ended things again" " I didn't do anything this time, I tried so hard to give him space", " I love him so much and he's done this to me again"! Your daughter is emotionally destroyed because of another version of you, the same games you played all those years ago. Those games you destroyed me with, another is now destroying your baby!

And I pray to god that something clicks in your head back to this moment right now where I'm ! Where Im my dads baby girl crying in that bed, it's my dads baby girl that he can't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, he can't help me catch my breathe, or stop me from throwing up because of the pain you have caused again!

Maybe when you have to witness it first hand. you will understand the anger, how wrong it Is, how damaging it can be. When it's your baby girl and you just want to inflict nothing but pain on the vile creature that has made your daughter crumble in to an unrecognisable mess but you can't because she's begs you not to, because she "loves him"

Eventually I realised this was not normal, 3 years of what are meant to be the best years of your life wasted of a narcissist! 3 years I will never get back!
Emotional abuse is always such a hard hard subject! The damage isn't visible, you can't see the bruises, you can't see the breaks!
You can't heal a broken mind! All my damage is hidden away with a smile! It's easy!
And yet again I have been up all night thinking about him, but he doesn't deserve to invade my thoughts anymore!
He has no right depriving me of sleep anymore!

So here I am... the tough part of the process, writing down every part of pain I am feeling as I'm led here crying yet again because of a casual text sent by the monster, no remorse, no guilt, just "can we go back to friends?"
No
Friends don't ruin each other
Friends don't make each other question their own lives
If it's even worth carrying on
No

I have to focus on me
Be strong
Resist the temptation of going back... when he creeps on back in as soon as he sees that smile on my face that was put on their for a reason that wasn't him!
He will, he says he won't (everytime) but he will!

I can't let him, it's hard... very very hard.
But one day I will know what true love is. Eventually I will know how it feels not to be living on egg shells. Knowing that it's ok to ask to do simple things like go for some food or walk the dog!
One day I will feel that!
Until then I will never regret anything, I am me because of the struggles I have faced inside and outside this vicious circle that is mental abuse!
I will never regret anything that made me smile!
And he did.. sometimes
Someone who got me through one of the hardest times in my life... yet on the flip side created some of the hardest years of my life! But for that I will forever be grateful. Because I have shown how much love I can give to a person who cares about nothing other than destroying me! Imagine the love I could show to a person who loves me back!

I will find my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armour this time... not a wanker in tin foil!