My ED is out of control
OK I need to get this off my chest, and hopefully I will read it tomorrow. I woke up this morning about to go to the zoo with my husband and his family. Well I was getting ready and I just felt so depressed. Then I felt, because I have an ED, no one really would want me around. So I told my husband I wasn't going. As soon as they left I had a binging party with myselft two pieces of toast with a lot of butterA package of crackersa family sized bag (brand new not opened) and I ate the whole bag!1 yogurta big bowl of chips with melted cheese 4 cups of milkhalf a bag of potatoe chipsstrawberry milkshake just the cereal should have been enough to make my stomach burst...how I kept in in, I dont know. And this was a binge, where it was hard to purge. I bped for hours straight today, which I never do. My feelings before the binge: depressed, numb, During the binge: Calm and comforted at first, then physically sickWhile purging-I actually felt like I had more energy to do things and I wanted to start my life... I can't describe the feelings...kind of like a manic, I need to get everything done now!After the purging, I felt like I had some energy (but didn't last long) physically my throat hurts so much, my stomach is bloated, and I am physically exhausted. Now I don't feel so numb, but I feel like I cannot repeat what I did today. My body just can't take it. I know the good feelings I had while purging were the chemicals in my brain:the dopamine and seratonin. Tomorrow I am going to go swimming in the morning, that way I can get those chemicals going the healthy way. Wish me luck!
Replies
*hug* I struggle with this exact same thing so much, ive found that i feel way better when I just go out and do stuff coz when I say I don\'t want to go I confirm the thought in my head that they don\'t want me there but in the end it was me who said I don\'t want to go.. what can they do about that? *hug* all of the best for tomorrow.
isn\'t it amazing how much control our ed\'s can have? your ed made you push away your husband & family (who would have LOVED to spend the day with you i\'m sure!!) stopped you having a great day out at the zoo (the meer cats are so cute!!!) and made you stay at home fulfilling it\'s needs.... and in the end you feel really yuck. i\'m really glad you are beating your ed back with a stick tomorrow (today??) and taking some power back. and.... i thought it was really great the way you were able to articulate the different steps in your b/p and articulate your emotions along the way - surely that\'s gotta help??? good luck with it today - i know you can do it!!much love xxx
*big hugs* thanks for the chat today hun xoxoxo i really appreciate it
sorry to hear you had such a bad day, one of those when the ed really takes control, as alex said!
and it IS great that you were able to identify with the emotions, i sure as hell haven\'t been paying attention to that lately!!!
you are strong, you can get through this xoxo