My ED is out of control

OK I need to get this off my chest, and hopefully I will read it tomorrow. I woke up this morning about to go to the zoo with my husband and his family. Well I was getting ready and I just felt so depressed. Then I felt, because I have  an ED, no one really would want me around. So I told my husband I wasn't going. As soon as they left I had a binging party with myselft two pieces of toast with a lot of butterA package of crackersa family sized bag (brand new not opened) and I ate the whole bag!1 yogurta big bowl of chips with melted cheese 4 cups of milkhalf a bag of potatoe chipsstrawberry milkshake just the cereal should have been enough to make my stomach burst...how I kept in in, I dont know. And this was a binge, where it was hard to purge. I bped for hours straight today, which I never do.  My feelings before the binge: depressed, numb, During the binge: Calm and comforted at first, then physically sickWhile purging-I actually felt like I had more energy to do things and I wanted to start my life... I can't describe the feelings...kind of like a manic, I need to get everything done now!After the purging, I felt like I had some energy (but didn't last long) physically my throat hurts so much, my stomach is bloated, and I am physically exhausted.  Now I don't feel so numb, but I feel like I cannot repeat what I did today. My body just can't take it. I know the good feelings I had while purging were the chemicals in my brain:the dopamine and seratonin. Tomorrow I am going to go swimming in the morning, that way I can get those chemicals going the healthy way. Wish me luck!