My eating disorder is making me sad :(

I hate my body, so then I try to restrict, I last all day, then I have to eat dinner with the family, I decide I am going to eat it, I eat more than I should, more than anyone else, then more and more, then I think ok, I've done this, and I accept its going to make me gain some more weight, and not lose any, and it will make me upset, but that is all. I last not even a couple of minutes and well, *purge*. I'm so frustrated with myself, because I have been trying so hard, I can't recover, nor can I be sick, skinny and then needing hospital. It's like I'm not good at anything. This is just really hard and I don't see anyone for this until Thursday and haven't for ages, why is it so hard?