My due-ish date
I never actually got a due date, because I lost the baby just two days after I got the pregnancy test done. I went to the student health center on Friday for the test, which came back positive. Then on Sunday morning I woke up bleeding and cramping...and you know the rest of the story.
To make things much worse, I was at a conference with my (male) advisor and another (male) grad student that weekend, about 5 hours away from home, and my husband was still on the east coast. Of course, I hadn't told my advisor about the pregnancy yet, and I had to sit in the car for 5 hours while he drove and talked, knowing that my baby was leaking out of me, and that I would have to break the news to my husband when I picked him up at the airport the next day. I think this day was the worst in my life so far.
So I never had even one prenatal appointment and I was never given an actual date. But this would be my month. So now it's my due-ish date. I don't even know what to do. In some ways I feel really removed, like maybe I'm in denial. We got pregnant on our first try, so I was so sure that after 8 months I couldn't fail to be pregnant again.....but I'm not. I don't even know what to think, I just feel a little numb. Even though the grief is so real, the thought that I might have an actual live baby right now just seems impossible to believe. I never got far enough into the pregnancy to see an ultrasound or a heartbeat, or to start thinking about the practical reality of taking care of a baby. It just isn't fair! I would rather be dealing with the pain of labor than the pain of loss. Some days I feel like I will never have children ever. Other days I can't imagine how my life would be if I had a child now. Or maybe I just don't want to imagine it because it's too painful. It's too easy even for me to start feeling like maybe all of this was just a bad dream. I have nothing tangible to hold on to from my pregnancy, just an empty blank kind of a feeling. In some ways I think I got off easily with an early miscarriage and in other ways I'm angry that I never even got to experience my pregnancy. I only had that one Saturday where I knew for sure I was pregnant, and there I was at a conference with a bunch of strangers and my husband so far away. But that one day was just so amazing, it was like nothing else in my life. I guess I'm grateful that I had any time with my baby at all. I guess I prefer having a dead child to having no children. I feel in a strange way like I'm giving birth to a dead child this month. Sorry for all the rambling and for the morbid thoughts! I just don't know how I should feel.
To make things much worse, I was at a conference with my (male) advisor and another (male) grad student that weekend, about 5 hours away from home, and my husband was still on the east coast. Of course, I hadn't told my advisor about the pregnancy yet, and I had to sit in the car for 5 hours while he drove and talked, knowing that my baby was leaking out of me, and that I would have to break the news to my husband when I picked him up at the airport the next day. I think this day was the worst in my life so far.
So I never had even one prenatal appointment and I was never given an actual date. But this would be my month. So now it's my due-ish date. I don't even know what to do. In some ways I feel really removed, like maybe I'm in denial. We got pregnant on our first try, so I was so sure that after 8 months I couldn't fail to be pregnant again.....but I'm not. I don't even know what to think, I just feel a little numb. Even though the grief is so real, the thought that I might have an actual live baby right now just seems impossible to believe. I never got far enough into the pregnancy to see an ultrasound or a heartbeat, or to start thinking about the practical reality of taking care of a baby. It just isn't fair! I would rather be dealing with the pain of labor than the pain of loss. Some days I feel like I will never have children ever. Other days I can't imagine how my life would be if I had a child now. Or maybe I just don't want to imagine it because it's too painful. It's too easy even for me to start feeling like maybe all of this was just a bad dream. I have nothing tangible to hold on to from my pregnancy, just an empty blank kind of a feeling. In some ways I think I got off easily with an early miscarriage and in other ways I'm angry that I never even got to experience my pregnancy. I only had that one Saturday where I knew for sure I was pregnant, and there I was at a conference with a bunch of strangers and my husband so far away. But that one day was just so amazing, it was like nothing else in my life. I guess I'm grateful that I had any time with my baby at all. I guess I prefer having a dead child to having no children. I feel in a strange way like I'm giving birth to a dead child this month. Sorry for all the rambling and for the morbid thoughts! I just don't know how I should feel.
Replies
Hi sweetie. Thanks for your messages and thoughts!
I know what you mean -- in spite of everything, I can\'t wish that I never had my baby, even though her loss will hurt me forever. Our babies will always be a part of our lives - painfully, but hopefully making us better people and mommies.
I think sometimes that I will never have another child too. Sometimes it seems too painful to think about another one. At the same time, getting pregnant again is the paramount, consuming goal of life! We end up feeling crazy, but it\'s just the two sides of the false coin we\'ve been paid out.
I\'m so sorry your time with your baby was so short and that you couldn\'t be home with your family to enjoy the happy news together and the sad moment later.
I hope that this month ends well for you. In a way, I had been counting down to my due date the whole time. Not just counting down, but continuing a sort of phantom pregnancy in my mind -- all the mental comparisons with every pregnant belly I saw -- \"I\'d be as far a long as that\", \"My baby is older than hers\", \"She\'s way bigger than I would be now\" :-)....but after my due date - I suddenly wasn\'t \"pregnant\" anymore.
I hope that passing this mile marker will be healing for you and that you get your second baby soon too!