My DS Friends Are Priceless!

Thursday, August 13, 2009 - 10:40 AM Last night was horrible in various ways. In the aftermath of losing my CNA who helped herself to some of my medications, I have sustained feelings of hurt, anger, and anguish. For much of the night, I had rare feelings of wanting to cry, yet no tears would come. I have been unable to shed the emotional pain, which festers within me.   I have been very tired, but have been unable to gain much sleep. My mind has been filled with thoughts of how much trouble I have managed to cause myself. There were several hours during which I thought that my life was not worth living, and that the world would be far better off without me. Part of me considered suicide, but I found the strength to resist that option from somewhere deep inside me.   My sister called and we talked at great length. I saw a side of her that I have not seen in quite some time. She was kind, loving, and caring. She did her best to convince me that I was not to blame for what has transpired with my CNA. She seemed to feel, as do my friends here, that I was manipulated and taken advantage of repeatedly. I think that part of me knows that, but to come straight out and admit it would make me have feelings of weakness.   When my remaining CNA's came to put me to bed last night, I notified them that this CNA was no longer working for me, and I gave them a very brief reason as to why that was the case. I did this because there are times when some of the other CNA's take the night off and try getting this CNA (who no longer works for me) to substitute for them. I needed to make it clear that they could no longer do this.   Prior to coming online today, I was seeing myself in a harshly negative way. Then I saw the comments that have been left on my journal, and was startled to see that everyone here seems to have a different take on things. I saw that I was not perceived to be a "bad" person, but just the opposite.   My only true friends are here on Daily Strength. They seem to know me better than I know myself. Kind words, thoughts, and feelings were directed at me even though I do not feel as though I deserve them. I cannot, and will not, dismiss them as if they never existed. For some reason that I have yet to fathom, my friends here seem to think more highly of me than I do of myself. Their combined thoughts and positive encouragement have helped bring me back from the edge of oblivion.   My life has been turned into a shambles. In spite of that, I must try to regain control of it once again. It will take a while to get over everything that has occurred recently, but I will do it.   Time is supposed to heal all wounds. I will not act rashly, but I will give myself a proper time to heal instead.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Great insights on your post.... esp. \" Time is supposed to heal all wounds. I will not act rashly, but I will give myself a proper time to heal instead. \".

Keep on fighting. HUGS
CoolGal
CoolGal

Hi Jim You did the right thing about the CNA and the meds. Try not to feel badly about it. You are such a good kindhearted person, That\'s wht you feel badly. This too shall pass my friend it\'s ok. Plan your dream vacation you want to take one day have some fun with that. BIG FEEL BETTER HUGS-Stephanie
deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow. Thanks my friend.

But........

Why is your whole life a shambles? Why are you doing \'all or nothing\' thinking? You had one CNA who was a wing nut. You have feelings to process, I know that, but how does this affect EVERY area of your life?

Don\'t forget your plans to do more things for yourself so you could get out more; groceries, picnics etc.. Why is your CNA in that? She and any others, don\'t belong there. They can\'t take your plans away from you uless you let them. So don\'t let them. It\'s your life, your decision to boundaries, YOURS.

I do something called \'keep stuff where it\'s at\'. I didn\'t use to, and it\'s a hard new habit to develop. Although there is material clutter throughout our home, I\'m doing better on feelings. The other stuff will come along in time.

Ask yourself - \'who/what REALLY belongs in this\' each time something upsets you.

Try not to let the past and the present co-mingle, like GoodGod was describing yesterday. I used to blame others for stuff that was really my parents\' fault, because it ALL felt bad and felt the same.

Once I realized things were just familiar, without being \'actually the same\', HUGE improvement in my life.

Don\'t only give yourself time to heal, but TIME TO LEARN. You weren\'t taught to have boundaries Jim. No one here will mind if you have trouble learning them. Promise.

Like Dr. Suess said: \"The people who mind don\'t matter, and the people who matter don\'t mind.\" (or very close.)

Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
deleted_user
deleted_user

You have so much awareness. I think that can cause pain.

You have come so far. I am glad to see you practicing compassion with yourself. I know that it is not easy to get there. In a way, you have to give up control.

I feel so honored to know you. Your strength, awareness, compassion, and insight are inspiring.