My DS Friends Are Priceless!
Thursday, August 13, 2009 - 10:40 AM Last night was horrible in various ways. In the aftermath of losing my CNA who helped herself to some of my medications, I have sustained feelings of hurt, anger, and anguish. For much of the night, I had rare feelings of wanting to cry, yet no tears would come. I have been unable to shed the emotional pain, which festers within me. I have been very tired, but have been unable to gain much sleep. My mind has been filled with thoughts of how much trouble I have managed to cause myself. There were several hours during which I thought that my life was not worth living, and that the world would be far better off without me. Part of me considered suicide, but I found the strength to resist that option from somewhere deep inside me. My sister called and we talked at great length. I saw a side of her that I have not seen in quite some time. She was kind, loving, and caring. She did her best to convince me that I was not to blame for what has transpired with my CNA. She seemed to feel, as do my friends here, that I was manipulated and taken advantage of repeatedly. I think that part of me knows that, but to come straight out and admit it would make me have feelings of weakness. When my remaining CNA's came to put me to bed last night, I notified them that this CNA was no longer working for me, and I gave them a very brief reason as to why that was the case. I did this because there are times when some of the other CNA's take the night off and try getting this CNA (who no longer works for me) to substitute for them. I needed to make it clear that they could no longer do this. Prior to coming online today, I was seeing myself in a harshly negative way. Then I saw the comments that have been left on my journal, and was startled to see that everyone here seems to have a different take on things. I saw that I was not perceived to be a "bad" person, but just the opposite. My only true friends are here on Daily Strength. They seem to know me better than I know myself. Kind words, thoughts, and feelings were directed at me even though I do not feel as though I deserve them. I cannot, and will not, dismiss them as if they never existed. For some reason that I have yet to fathom, my friends here seem to think more highly of me than I do of myself. Their combined thoughts and positive encouragement have helped bring me back from the edge of oblivion. My life has been turned into a shambles. In spite of that, I must try to regain control of it once again. It will take a while to get over everything that has occurred recently, but I will do it. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. I will not act rashly, but I will give myself a proper time to heal instead.