My dream
I had a nightmare yesterday night (and every night actually) and I woke up very sad. I was lethargic. It was about inviting my friend to a bbq at our house that we will have on Friday. It has been a while since I've seen my friend, and the last time I talked to him was before I started having suicidal thoughts. I used to hang out with him and his girlfriend a lot before. Now he is coming alone as his girlfriend is studying abroad.
The dream was that his girlfriend really hated me when we met again and he was also distant from me when we met. It was about us going to a Hockey game in Michigan and he was really annoyed at him. Whatever I said he would get annoyed at me. I felt bad about it in the dream. Also his girlfriend became distant and towards the end of the party (watching the hockey game from a VIP box) she stopped coming to our box and went to hang out with some people in another box. He however kept on seeing me just because we were friends. And towards the end of the dream they left and I was alone. There was another friend of ours in the dream but I do not remember what he actually was doing. Usually we are together when we meet.
It was a very sad dream and I realized that the emotions that are induced in the dream are actually real emotions that I affect me while sleeping. So I realized that when I wake up I have a bad feeling from these emotions and they stay with me.
Later that morning I drove my mom to the doctor and I was telling her about the dream and she reminded me that it was because of thinking so much during the day and that it was simply a dream! And that is true. It was only a fantacy or an imagination of what could transpire and has nothing to do with reality. The worry and anxiety about my friend coming over and possibly not taking me seriously anymore manifested itself in the dream. It was my subconscience working without any direction. Maybe the energy was diffused in the dream. It is still only a dream and that made me feel better.
It is good if I talk to my mom about my fears about my friend coming and not finding me as energetic and easy going as before. This actually was always a fear for me in the past but now maybe it is amplified because I am very depressed and I am feeling really sad. I am getting worked up by this and it is actually a trigger to my bad mood. Actually before when I got depressed the first time when I was 15 I lost a lot of friends because I was sad and not a good mood. I didn't know how to deal with the situation and I felt rejected by many of my friends. I am worried that this will happen again and my friend will reject me as the others did. I am feeling that way too because I had told him about my suicidal thoughts and naturally (I suppose) he didn't take them too well, and he didn't call me for over 4 months. I called him on his birthday and then he asked me if I wanted to watch a game with him and accepte but then I woke up that day feeling bad so I canceled it. I called him the next week to watch the game together but he told me that he wanted to watch it with his father. I don't know why. It would have been good not to invite him, I don't know why I did. I am just worried to be turned down again by him especially if (and that) I am not feeling too well.
I don't know. It is tough to be suicidal or thinking about suicide.
The dream was that his girlfriend really hated me when we met again and he was also distant from me when we met. It was about us going to a Hockey game in Michigan and he was really annoyed at him. Whatever I said he would get annoyed at me. I felt bad about it in the dream. Also his girlfriend became distant and towards the end of the party (watching the hockey game from a VIP box) she stopped coming to our box and went to hang out with some people in another box. He however kept on seeing me just because we were friends. And towards the end of the dream they left and I was alone. There was another friend of ours in the dream but I do not remember what he actually was doing. Usually we are together when we meet.
It was a very sad dream and I realized that the emotions that are induced in the dream are actually real emotions that I affect me while sleeping. So I realized that when I wake up I have a bad feeling from these emotions and they stay with me.
Later that morning I drove my mom to the doctor and I was telling her about the dream and she reminded me that it was because of thinking so much during the day and that it was simply a dream! And that is true. It was only a fantacy or an imagination of what could transpire and has nothing to do with reality. The worry and anxiety about my friend coming over and possibly not taking me seriously anymore manifested itself in the dream. It was my subconscience working without any direction. Maybe the energy was diffused in the dream. It is still only a dream and that made me feel better.
It is good if I talk to my mom about my fears about my friend coming and not finding me as energetic and easy going as before. This actually was always a fear for me in the past but now maybe it is amplified because I am very depressed and I am feeling really sad. I am getting worked up by this and it is actually a trigger to my bad mood. Actually before when I got depressed the first time when I was 15 I lost a lot of friends because I was sad and not a good mood. I didn't know how to deal with the situation and I felt rejected by many of my friends. I am worried that this will happen again and my friend will reject me as the others did. I am feeling that way too because I had told him about my suicidal thoughts and naturally (I suppose) he didn't take them too well, and he didn't call me for over 4 months. I called him on his birthday and then he asked me if I wanted to watch a game with him and accepte but then I woke up that day feeling bad so I canceled it. I called him the next week to watch the game together but he told me that he wanted to watch it with his father. I don't know why. It would have been good not to invite him, I don't know why I did. I am just worried to be turned down again by him especially if (and that) I am not feeling too well.
I don't know. It is tough to be suicidal or thinking about suicide.
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