My doubts, and History with boys

Well yesterday was quite tedious, for I had just found out that I have to hand in some artwork very soon, and quite frankly I did not, and do not feel like painting in the least. But I went down to the shops all the same, and brought the canvases, though I’d have liked nothing more than to just curl up in bed and go to sleep for a hundred years.Moving on, Thursday’s meeting was quite depressing, for I am having doubts whether I do truly love John (that is his name). I did like someone before him. His name was Samuel, and he’s John’s cousin.I believe he caught my eye because (when I look back at it now) I believe I saw something of myself in him. I liked him from then, the end of my 13th year and till part of my 16th. Samuel is not the most handsomest of boys, he is quite skinny, with messy dark brown hair and blue eyes. But it did not seem to matter to much to me. Even more did I believe I loved him, when mother spoke of how he too, had had a hard time at High School. How glad I was at this! How much so, that it led me to fantasize, of him and I singing, laughing and having fun together, then one day maybe even marrying.He had never truly made me think he loved me. If anything, he made me see how much he loved the Lord more than anything or anyone. And through it all I started to doubt he would ever reciprocate my feelings for him.Even more perplexing was when John, and not Samuel, admired my artwork. And John did not stop talking of my artwork. He talked of it through my 16th , 17th and even this year (my 18th ) he still talks of it. And not only does he talk about my artwork, but also my cooking! Almost every time he is there, when I have baked and cooked something, he’ll praise my cooking. (even if he does only say it to the person beside him and not me!) And what perplexed me more, was my dreams. The first of which, was of me giving birth to a baby with reddish brown hair. (John’s hair is a sort of ginger colour!) And my next dream, I invited Samuel over to my house. And we went out a few times, and I had a great time! But when I found out he was going out with other girls, how I despaired! And I walked home in a cloud of misery. On the way I bumped into this boy and we kissed. And though he had blonde hair, I know that he was John.My final dream, was the one that most likely brought me to turn my gaze from Samuel and onto John.It was a most strange dream, I was throwing tennis balls at these kids, and one ball connected with this boy and he fell to the ground. In seeing this, I ran to him, as with this other lady. When reaching him, I bent over and asked “are you alright?” And giggled. (I don’t know why!)And instead of him answering, the lady beside me asked “why don’t you play with John, instead of Kerryn?” (Kerryn was my friend, from middle school.)And then I look down at the boy, who I hit with a tennis ball, and see it is John! And he answers her question for me, looking into my eyes as he does “because she does not believe, we are meant to be together.”I woke up then quite joyful, for I knew then, surely he loves me! And then I thought maybe I love him too, and just did not know it till then?Well what doubts I have, is maybe, if anything I may be loved by him more. But I may possibly not even love him. For I like him, because he praises my artwork my cooking, and sings and plays guitar. But I don’t know, I do not truly know him, how can I truly love him, if I cannot see him? Cannot speak to him? And how can he love me too, if he cannot see me or speak to me?It all goes back to the subject of talking! I need to talk!