My Declaration
I've never been good at keeping a diary. For one I always look back what I've written and felt ashamed or embarrassed that things could be so bad. The thoughts that sometimes go through my head are anything but pretty. So I would shudder at the entry, hate that I had revisted such painful times in my life and hit the delete button. Well, this time I'm not going to hit the delete button. Because I suffer from major depression and I have to face the facts that it's an ugly disease with ugly thoughts. In real life there is no delete button. So it's time I stop hiding my thoughts recorded in an electronic format behind that delete key.
I'm not going to lie. I'm at the bad end of the spectrum with my depression. Some days are better than others. But mostly I always feel like I'm fighting against my disease. And little by little, day by day, I'm afraid it's winning the fight. I grow tired and weary. The disease doesn't. With medication or without, it doesn't make a difference. Sure some things have changed for the better. I äppear like I've got it together. But in reality it's just a very cleverly disguised ruse. Inside I am broken, exhausted and without hope.
I'm always tired. I find it so difficult to stay awake in the day. I have no energy. Honestly I love to sleep because I am a very vivid dreamer. Dreams help me escape my life. Still for all the trouble sleeping in the day causes me I'd rather be awake and have the energy to do things around the house. Even when I was at work I was always so tired. I used to go and sleep in my car in my lunch break though I stopped doing that because I would take an hour for lunch, and I was only allocated 30 minutes. I tried to sleep for only 30 minutes but I was still so exhausted that without making a conscious decision I was resetting my alarm on my phone to give me another half hour.
Family, friends... My relationships in general are in tatters. I push everyone away when I'm depressed because firstly I don't want to trouble them, and secondly I've received very negative feedback from my mum in the past. I feel selfish to draw attention to myself. After all, what do I have to be depressed about? That's what I'm told so I feel weak about my disease like it's a personal flaw - like I'm not strong enough.
I feel like I've wasted the better part of my life. I've acheived nothing. I could barely hold down a job. I have a lot of intelligence but I've wasted it. I'm disappointed with myself. I just wish I could live a normal life without having to fight for every step I take.
I'm worried that I'm running out of energy - both emotionally and physically - to keep fighting. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to beat this disease but I'm not sure if that's possible, and if it's not I see no point in fighting it anymore. Like maybe I should just let it take me, wash over me, drown me, suffocate me. I can feel it's so close to that already. I won't give my life up because my cats need me, but I will let it overwhelm me and claim me if I can't keep up the fight anymore. I'll live as a shell, feeding and taking care of my cats and nothing else. Until their lives are finished and then I'll make the decision on whether my life should finish too.
So this is me. Dark thoughts, and complete truths. This is me no longer hiding who I am.
I'm not going to lie. I'm at the bad end of the spectrum with my depression. Some days are better than others. But mostly I always feel like I'm fighting against my disease. And little by little, day by day, I'm afraid it's winning the fight. I grow tired and weary. The disease doesn't. With medication or without, it doesn't make a difference. Sure some things have changed for the better. I äppear like I've got it together. But in reality it's just a very cleverly disguised ruse. Inside I am broken, exhausted and without hope.
I'm always tired. I find it so difficult to stay awake in the day. I have no energy. Honestly I love to sleep because I am a very vivid dreamer. Dreams help me escape my life. Still for all the trouble sleeping in the day causes me I'd rather be awake and have the energy to do things around the house. Even when I was at work I was always so tired. I used to go and sleep in my car in my lunch break though I stopped doing that because I would take an hour for lunch, and I was only allocated 30 minutes. I tried to sleep for only 30 minutes but I was still so exhausted that without making a conscious decision I was resetting my alarm on my phone to give me another half hour.
Family, friends... My relationships in general are in tatters. I push everyone away when I'm depressed because firstly I don't want to trouble them, and secondly I've received very negative feedback from my mum in the past. I feel selfish to draw attention to myself. After all, what do I have to be depressed about? That's what I'm told so I feel weak about my disease like it's a personal flaw - like I'm not strong enough.
I feel like I've wasted the better part of my life. I've acheived nothing. I could barely hold down a job. I have a lot of intelligence but I've wasted it. I'm disappointed with myself. I just wish I could live a normal life without having to fight for every step I take.
I'm worried that I'm running out of energy - both emotionally and physically - to keep fighting. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to beat this disease but I'm not sure if that's possible, and if it's not I see no point in fighting it anymore. Like maybe I should just let it take me, wash over me, drown me, suffocate me. I can feel it's so close to that already. I won't give my life up because my cats need me, but I will let it overwhelm me and claim me if I can't keep up the fight anymore. I'll live as a shell, feeding and taking care of my cats and nothing else. Until their lives are finished and then I'll make the decision on whether my life should finish too.
So this is me. Dark thoughts, and complete truths. This is me no longer hiding who I am.
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