My Decisions
It's been over two months since my last post, as I have been working hard on myself. I have come to the conclusion that I may see bullcrap in everything certain people say, but I can't change them. The only person I can fully trust is myself, because I want the best for me.
I don't have a hidden agenda when it comes to doing well for myself. I am an honest, caring, loving person who has always been true to myself. I have never self-medicated to escape my problems, I have chosen to be alone over being the life of the party, and I have kept my dignity intact when in relationships.
My biggest mistakes in my life have come from trusting others over my gut. I know now that I can't doubt myself. I don't need to be paranoid, but when that pit forms I need to trust it. It is what will keep me alive.
I have chosen to forgive my husband. And instead of obsessing over what he has done, I have come to terms with what "second chance" is to me. If we switched roles, obviously I would never have gone down the road he chose to. However, if I had, I would want the chance to prove the difference I was making.
And the funny thing is, I kind of am part of the target. There have been many things I haven't done for him, that as a wife I should have. Sure, they are trivial compared to cheating, but they are still things that are important enough to change. And that has been exactly what I've been doing. Because I can't clean up his half of the relationship, I can only change mine.
I have realized that in ways, my fears of losing the love of my life (that feeling has never gone away) I have complained too much. I have had troubles being alone. Since the unraveling, I have found ways to occupy my time, and I actually encourage him to go out (and am no longer grouchy when he comes home). I don't even feel the hurt I used to anymore, because I have realized I ENJOY my own time and space.
My home is spotless. I have gotten all three children to sleep through the night. And I have gotten them to have less tantrums during the day. All of this has come from having a positive attitude about my life, because I see all that I have. Before, I was so negative and depressed about having a miscarriage that I could barely move some days. I have a new energy, and realize how big of a part I am in my family's life.
I have also noticed that in my positive self-esteem, my husband actually takes his time walking out the door. We converse deeper and more often, where before we barely spoke small talk. We both have less anxiety at home, because we both view it as our paradise and a place that we feel safe in. And when he comes home from a friends, I am happy. He finds me laughing and enjoying a computer game, or reading. He sees the kids are quiet and happy. He sees that I am positive. And he is now positive. He doesn't walk in, fearing hell fury. I am not angry anymore.
I have been dissecting the relationships I have with numerous people, and I have found what REALLY bothers me about these relationships. And I have been able to forgive and move forward. I feel like I have power in my life, and no longer feel like I am losing everyone. I am an asset in life, and there are people who do NEED ME. I will no longer doubt that, and should I feel like I am falling down that path, I will say "KIDS HUSBAND FAMILY" and meditate until I have calmed down. I love who I am.
I don't have a hidden agenda when it comes to doing well for myself. I am an honest, caring, loving person who has always been true to myself. I have never self-medicated to escape my problems, I have chosen to be alone over being the life of the party, and I have kept my dignity intact when in relationships.
My biggest mistakes in my life have come from trusting others over my gut. I know now that I can't doubt myself. I don't need to be paranoid, but when that pit forms I need to trust it. It is what will keep me alive.
I have chosen to forgive my husband. And instead of obsessing over what he has done, I have come to terms with what "second chance" is to me. If we switched roles, obviously I would never have gone down the road he chose to. However, if I had, I would want the chance to prove the difference I was making.
And the funny thing is, I kind of am part of the target. There have been many things I haven't done for him, that as a wife I should have. Sure, they are trivial compared to cheating, but they are still things that are important enough to change. And that has been exactly what I've been doing. Because I can't clean up his half of the relationship, I can only change mine.
I have realized that in ways, my fears of losing the love of my life (that feeling has never gone away) I have complained too much. I have had troubles being alone. Since the unraveling, I have found ways to occupy my time, and I actually encourage him to go out (and am no longer grouchy when he comes home). I don't even feel the hurt I used to anymore, because I have realized I ENJOY my own time and space.
My home is spotless. I have gotten all three children to sleep through the night. And I have gotten them to have less tantrums during the day. All of this has come from having a positive attitude about my life, because I see all that I have. Before, I was so negative and depressed about having a miscarriage that I could barely move some days. I have a new energy, and realize how big of a part I am in my family's life.
I have also noticed that in my positive self-esteem, my husband actually takes his time walking out the door. We converse deeper and more often, where before we barely spoke small talk. We both have less anxiety at home, because we both view it as our paradise and a place that we feel safe in. And when he comes home from a friends, I am happy. He finds me laughing and enjoying a computer game, or reading. He sees the kids are quiet and happy. He sees that I am positive. And he is now positive. He doesn't walk in, fearing hell fury. I am not angry anymore.
I have been dissecting the relationships I have with numerous people, and I have found what REALLY bothers me about these relationships. And I have been able to forgive and move forward. I feel like I have power in my life, and no longer feel like I am losing everyone. I am an asset in life, and there are people who do NEED ME. I will no longer doubt that, and should I feel like I am falling down that path, I will say "KIDS HUSBAND FAMILY" and meditate until I have calmed down. I love who I am.
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