my dearest friend, thank goodness for support groups

i just want to say how happy i am to have found this place. everyone here in their own special way has the ability and the desire to uplift while feeling so down i and i am grateful to be here, thank you!

its hard to be taken seriously sometimes. but its so important to be strong.. for yourself! compare the two outcomes.. how afraid for your life are you, if you decide to stay here. clearly it is exactly wrong; you do not belong here. now compare the alternative. for me..staying here means, containing everything that makes me who i am into a box in front of company. it means constantly feeling less cool, or less pretty, or below average. it means feeling like i should be contained to my duties and to my master. if i dont learn something quick enough i get yelled at. if my tired ass wants to go HOME after work im told to hurry. ( i live with my family aka mom, step dad, sister A.M 21, sister M.L 16.) he doesnt like my dog (fail.) for me, staying means i have to put up with him drooling over every tan leg in the 5 mile radius. (i have GREAT legs. im not even close to kidding) he cant even spend time with my family! so any time spent with him, is with HIS family.. HIS friends (he hates my friends and they LOATHE him entirely) he lives in a shit hole.. that he sold, for 150k$ which he gambled away playing 'professional' poker.. (which was incredibly fun and sexy.. traveling around in heels and pearls and magnum suites) but now thats over.. now he spends every waking hour in his garage building an apartment on the side of it because he is now homeless but staying in the sold house which has no kitchen and is terribly disgusting. ew i feel like im just talking shit on someone i should make this one private.

maybe ill just talk about the life that id rather have. NO wait he IS awful! he calls me a dumb blonde and tells me im a nutcase and TALKS TO HIS EX and humped two people in dirty places and trasmitted a disease to me that affected me in so many ways including my job. he BLAMES ME FOR THAT STILL!!! HOWWWWW!!!!!!!! omG if the shoe was on the other mfing foot.... id be honestly scared for my life if i had done that to him. HE THINKS HE WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. he can list five MAJOR things he did for me that somehow justify all of the LYING about the cum stains and BELITTLING every dream or every effort i had of being a successful adult and PUNISHING me for going home to work on my budget or plan my month and 2 months and make phone calls to banks for homeowners advice and credit help. THIS MAN threw every dollar he spent on me in my face. he got severely offended when i told him that i had a significant amount in my savings that i had NEVER had before.. i was damn PROUD of myself which is something that doesnt happen often. and this person made me feel like i had done something that was hurtful.. made me feel like a BAD PERSON for having worked my ass off to build a savings for the foundation for the rest of my life. i actually felt bad yall. i actually felt like he deserved half. it has been three years. and i swear to you he has broken up with me nearly 100 times. broken up with me. because of an argument, because we disagreed with each other (which is a natural human interaction and is necessary for growth and understanding the entire world..). this person is so close minded he thinks that any other perspective is only out to destroy humanity. he has looked me in the eyes, deep yall. and LIED to me. when the proof was laying right beside his feet. he hates the fact that i only earn so much per year. he tells me i owe him money all the time. he makes triple what i make a year but hes paying almost all of it to loans hes taken out and lost at the casino.

i feel the need to explain his side of this. from his point of view.. the reason my family hates him is because i talk to them about everything. (since we are so close, an attack on me is an attack on them. i can only avoid mother for so long until she gets it out of me and i spill my guts. my pain breaks her little heart. i should get more into that later.) i think i should learn from this actually because our problems should stay our problems. i get that i worked on that. i heard him, i recognized, i fixed it.. right. from his point of view, i have scummy friends that cant be trusted. from his point of view im a 27 year old waitress who didnt go to college and shouldnt take on a full on dental hygiene program, but instead stick to just dental assisting. maybe hes right maybe its too hard for someone like me. right?  from his point of view, our partnership as a couple needs to be priority above all. if family doesnt approve, in his mind it shouldnt be a doubt in my mind that id say goodbye to them if they cant accept who im dating. from his perspective, any time i spend away from him, while hes working on building an apartment is unacceptable (remember how he sold his house and still lives in it, and is flat broke because of gambling -sorry thats not the point-). if hes putting in effort to rebuild his entire life, so should i be. there is nothing more important that us rebuilding his life. im sorry, "our life". according to him, if i argued with him on the day of his important poker games i.e. the most important day of his life, because hes risking (and potentially earning) "life changing money".. then i was deliberately trying to distract him, therefore always making him lose. what normally happened is he would talk down to me or make me feel small or gross and if i didnt smile and nod and praise him.. if i defended myself at all.. i was purposely trying to make him lose thousands of dollars. from his perspective, if he had to be breaking his back, so did i. if i spent a day at the pool with my best friend and godson, i was deliberatly trying to hurt him. from his perspective, if i had a beer after work i was an alcoholic. from his perspective, if i wasnt acting exactly how he wanted me to act, i was a nut case. heres a great example. im gonna do my best to make a long story short. i tried to leave, didnt see him for a little less than a month. he convinced me to come back, i asked him like every day if he had slept with anyone and he consistently and easily told me he had not. a couple weeks went by and i found out (at my place of work) that he had slept with two people who i had concerns about before. he called me a crazy bitch nut case trying to ruin his life trashy whore.. right. (i even thanked one of them for being my saving grace, this was what i needed to gain the courage to finally leave!! i cannot share life with a liar, a cheater, a name calling meany! can you???) i left again, he begged and pleaded for me to come back, he was so sorry.. he was hurt and drunk and alone. i TOOK HIM BACK YALL. this is where it gets wild. not days after he cried his little fake tears told me he could never embarass me like that again and he wanted to be caught all along, right lol.. not days after i accepted this.. he decides that for his birthday we are going to go to one of these girls favorite bar. like this girl lives here. we NEVER go there. in three years we have ALWAYS avoided this place. now that hes slept with her, lied to me, and begged me to come back, now we are going to where shes going. she even contacted him and told him she hoped to see him there. ok. shes a nurse. we brought his 82 year old man whore friend who suddenly got sick and needed (go figure) A NURSE. he INVITES HER BACK TO THE HOUSE WITH US. HE HAD JUST SLEPT WITH HER YALL. and guess what happened. when i expressed my uncomfortablity to this situation he called me nuts. he told me i was out of control of my emotions. i said hes right. hes right we need her right now we need her help because our friend is really sick. i contained myself. i pulled it together and we got his friend home safe. thank god yes. but can you see how sick this is. wait.. first look at it from his side...... could you? could you do that? take me to hang out with the girl you just slept with, after u promised your love to me and i accepted this betrayal? now be me.. could you? could you go, to hang out with your hunny and the girl hes just betrayed you with? and allowed her to spend the night with us to watch over his best friend? could you? while he made shit remarks about how annoying i am for not understanding? i stayed quiet ladies and gents. i kept composure i let this happen with my mouth shut. and they fucking laughed at me for it.

i feel like a pussy.

and if i keep a friend.. of the same sex! whos been nothing but loyal to me since day one.. been in my life for double the time he has.. for supporting me through everything in life.. oh no. thats not allowed. he will decide based on his own opinion that i should never speak to them again. and if i do then somehow im a whore whos out banging everyone while i hang out with my friend. when in reality we watch movies with her 4 year old twins, whom ive known since birth. god forbid right. if i go to the vineyard with my sister for sunshine and grapes, he says im wearing nightys and flashing my lady parts all over the bar. what? if i sit on a bench beside his 60 year old junk yard buddy, im a flirting whore. how? can i speak to anyone? like do i need a signed permission slip to speak to the male species at all? i am way better off if i keep my mouth shut while we are in public. oh but if i do that im being completely rude.

let me ask you something. say youre a parent. say youve watched your child break down on the bathroom floor begging god for help. say some guy storms up to your porch, demands to speak with your child, and when you decline his request, he threatens to call the authorities and report his property stolen. imagine this. would you take this well? neither would i. 

im gonna go. i dont think this is appropriate for growth. i think this feels like im bashing someone and not shining light on all the awful things he saw in me. ill try again next time.