My Day Today

I have been by myself today.  Hubby and Abby went to Ohio to see his mom, it's her birthday.  I talked to my neighbor and then decided to walk down to my 86 years old neighbors house.  She lost her daughter to cancer when she was 42 so she knows how I feel.  I cried a lot as I told her about Kenny and what all took place from Oct to when he went to Heaven.  She agreed only someone who lost a child could know.  Anyway, it just made me sadder today.  Is that saying I don't want to talk about him anymore, cause the crying hurts and makes me so tired.  I don't think so.  I just get so upset and get so tired and the pain is so great when I talk about all the things my son had to go through, then I walked back home and the sun was coming out and white clouds and I just looked up at the sky and said Kenny I miss you so much.  Of course I did not get an answer.  I just want to see him and talk to him.  Why do we have to hurt so much, my son did nothing wrong to have the cancer and for him to have to die so young.  And how can God not see his kids and wife need him  I just have a hard time with so many young adults, children dying so much death.  Life seems so hard. I really thought that my kids had gone through enough with their dad getting cancer when they were young, then he walks out on us and leaves us stranded in Florida no money, I had just had kidney surgery, but we survived.  The he wants a divorce and that was another blow to my kids and then he don't treat them right even now.  So I feel my kids have had their share of heartache, then then Kenny gets cancer, and we have no answers, then he dies and now the kids have to deal with that too.  So what is so fair in life for my kids.  I just don't get it all. It's enough my kids had to deal with their dad's cancer that should have been enough, but to go through so much more and they are such wonderful kids do things for people all the time, so giving each one of them.  So why does it feel that we are being punished.  Their dad lives a terrible life, gets married, gets divorced over and over, can't even keep up, lives a low life, treats our kids terrible. But he survives the cancer, leaves us and never looked back then all the stuff, why should my kids suffer so much pain since they were young.  For me except for Kenny having to leave and go to Heaven, it would have been okay, I can deal but not that my kids should have gone through all this stuff before they are even out of school.  He left, never came back for their ball games, their concerts, anything they did in school, where is the justice in that for my kids.  They were good kids growing up and good kids now with great families.
They live right, they give to others, they are so caring, my kids did not deserve all their pain and now their brother is gone and he did nothing wrong, he served God was a minister did the best he knew and then the cancer and now he is gone.
I know there are no answers and we all suffer pain or we would not be here.  I guess we just continue to exist.
Sandi
 
 
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

They were lucky they had you. don\'t worry about his mistakes you did the best you could.
deleted_user
deleted_user

What a strong person you are! Your kids take after their mom, and hopefully the people close to you and your family recognize this and love you for it.
A big hug to you-Diane
deleted_user
deleted_user

I don\'t think what happens to us is meant as a punishment. I don\'t know what the answer is but I think eventually before we die, maybe just before we die, we will know the why of it. Until then, we just have to keep moving forward until we feel like we have our life back again. hugs j
deleted_user
deleted_user

Remember we can\'t control how others treat us, but we can control how we react to what they do. I learned this lesson the hard way, feeling punished in my youth, by my irresponsible 1st husb., going off at any time, and I singled parented Dana & Shaun. Then the last time he drove away in my car, and I never heard from him for 3 years - he wanted a divorce to get married again. Not fair, my children suffered his actions, but they turned out good. Then my 2nd marriage, which could have worked if he wasn\'t ill, a call it ill - alcholism/addictions that got worse so I left when Josh was 7, I agree life is hard, and life is not fair, and some days I wonder how the bottom of the barrel type of people skate through life - and the good ones who do what is right are struck down by tragedies. All I can offer is an ear to listen, a hand to hold and a huge hug to comfort you sweetheart - my friendship to support you, as I understand all too well - how life is ironic and weird, sad and strange - and your grief is so new to you - lean on us, peace & blessings,
deleted_user
deleted_user

thats all we can do Sandi, is hang on, and push thru, my thoughts are with you, and wishing for better days ahead, your friend, Dave
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are a survivor and your journal tells us so. Life does seem so unfair at times and no, I don\'t know why bad things happen to good people. I wish you strength and peace. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. Truly, your friend, Barb
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sandi, A friend once told me that \"we are the sum total of our experiences\". There\'s so much truth to that statement, in my opinion. I feel that all of life\'s experiences are somehow lessons that we learn for the growth of our spirits. Whenever I\'m feeling down I try to remember that God is there with me and He isn\'t going to leave my side so I lean into him a little further. I\'m sending prayers, positive thoughts and lots and lots of big tight hugs your way!
Debbie
ihart
ihart

I am so sorry you feel like you are being punished. That must be an awful feeling. I worry about negative feelings cause if we internalize them we become that. Hugs, Inga