My Day of Saddness

im so sad right now. i feel hopeless and helpless and all this because of some pictures i saw.
the pictures were of people in love.
to know that i may never trust anyone again.
to know that i may never love again.
that saddens me.
it hurts, crushes, drowns me in the truth of it.
its all his fault.
he took what was precious and abused it without shame.
the precious gift i gave him was used against me like a sledgehammer, a knife and, sometimes meat grinder.
i want to cry.
but the tears will not pass my eyelids.
even now i refuse to give him pleasure in breaking me.
what is there for me to do?
death, life, something inbetween?
i am afraid of feeling, of truely living.
my joy is gone with my hope of happiness for myself.
he is like a cancer with his lies his well placed "acts" of kindness.
i see through them.
i see his sick smile when he thinks im not looking.
i feel his eyes the wanting to ravage what i refuse him.
oh i saw him trying to watch me undress like im a fool and cannot see.
i have never hated a person in my life but i am coming so close to the very thing i dont want to turn into.
how do i get out of this i am sick inside.
my head feels like cotton balls inside. my stomache is in knots. my headaches are back.
why? i thought i was being so strong until i found i couldnt get him out of the house.
i need peace i deserve love my children deserve stability. none of us deserve his self-servirng lies. his confusion. his joy at our expense i cannot find the joy anymore all because i cant find me.
i dont like this. please God show me the way. MAKE a way. please