My Daughter and I
As most of you know, I have had several issues with my daughter over the past few years and I have detached with love; always, always, always, keeping the door of my heart open and let her have her own journey without judgment. This has been both a devastating time for me, yet is has been a period of great growth. Learning to detach with love was new for me and I am proud of myself for doing so.
Anyway, here's a brief summary: Before my daughter married her husband, he couldn't do enough for me; every day he would call and say "What ya need mom? What can I do for you, etc. He couldn't do enough for me." The night they got married he wouldn't speak to me; I'm thinking it's because e'thing was busy, hetic and it was no big deal. Anyway, a few day after the wedding, I was over at their pool and he came by the pool to the shed and I said "hello T.C" and he would not speak. I thought he didn't hear me, so I said it again; he still wouldn't speak. I called his cell after he left and asked if he was upset I was in the pool and shared with him I talked to Erin and she said it was ok. He said, "nope, I gotta go." Anyway, this not speaking has continued over and over and over. He had an affair on my daughter a few years back and came to me and said "I am so sorry Mom, I am so sorry. It was all my fault how Erin treats you, etc." I looked at him and simply said "it's ok." My daughter apologized all over the place also.
A few days later when I saw them at one of my granddaughter's ballgame, again he would not speak or look at me. This has continued over and over and over. The straw that broke the camels back was when I saw them at a nail salon in May (had not seen him since December/Xmas) and he would not acknowledge my presence or speak. My daughter did come over and hug my sister and I. When I left, I gave my daughter a hug and bent down to give him a hug and he couldn't shut up. It was after my accident so he was carrying on about how I felt....As I said, before I left he would not acknowledge my presence.
Anyway, my daughter is having Thanksgiving and I am choosing not to go. I have decided the way he treats me is abusive and I am not going to put myself thru that any more; not even for my daughter's sake.
I got a call from my daughter yesterday apologizing all over for her behaviour and we had an awesome talk. In the end she asked about Thanksgiving and I said "I do not feel comfortable in her home as TC will not speak to me or look at me. I told her I was not mad, but I choose not to put myself in this kind of situation any more. She said she understood. Now whether she does or not, I don't know. I also told her if they want to meet face to face we can talk about this.
I called my daughter this a.m. just to chat and her voice sounded good. I am once again keeping my heart open to her; but at the same time, I am loving myself enough that I will not go where I do not feel welcome.
I started to feel bad about this but then I thought about it and what I am doing is not done with malice, it is not done to show T.C or my daughter I am right and they are wrong or vise/versa, it is done because I don't deserve that kind of abuse any more.
And the beat goes on!
This showed up on my computer this a.m.
Knowing when to walk away is wisdom
Being able to is courage
Walking away with your head held high is dignity
Anyway, here's a brief summary: Before my daughter married her husband, he couldn't do enough for me; every day he would call and say "What ya need mom? What can I do for you, etc. He couldn't do enough for me." The night they got married he wouldn't speak to me; I'm thinking it's because e'thing was busy, hetic and it was no big deal. Anyway, a few day after the wedding, I was over at their pool and he came by the pool to the shed and I said "hello T.C" and he would not speak. I thought he didn't hear me, so I said it again; he still wouldn't speak. I called his cell after he left and asked if he was upset I was in the pool and shared with him I talked to Erin and she said it was ok. He said, "nope, I gotta go." Anyway, this not speaking has continued over and over and over. He had an affair on my daughter a few years back and came to me and said "I am so sorry Mom, I am so sorry. It was all my fault how Erin treats you, etc." I looked at him and simply said "it's ok." My daughter apologized all over the place also.
A few days later when I saw them at one of my granddaughter's ballgame, again he would not speak or look at me. This has continued over and over and over. The straw that broke the camels back was when I saw them at a nail salon in May (had not seen him since December/Xmas) and he would not acknowledge my presence or speak. My daughter did come over and hug my sister and I. When I left, I gave my daughter a hug and bent down to give him a hug and he couldn't shut up. It was after my accident so he was carrying on about how I felt....As I said, before I left he would not acknowledge my presence.
Anyway, my daughter is having Thanksgiving and I am choosing not to go. I have decided the way he treats me is abusive and I am not going to put myself thru that any more; not even for my daughter's sake.
I got a call from my daughter yesterday apologizing all over for her behaviour and we had an awesome talk. In the end she asked about Thanksgiving and I said "I do not feel comfortable in her home as TC will not speak to me or look at me. I told her I was not mad, but I choose not to put myself in this kind of situation any more. She said she understood. Now whether she does or not, I don't know. I also told her if they want to meet face to face we can talk about this.
I called my daughter this a.m. just to chat and her voice sounded good. I am once again keeping my heart open to her; but at the same time, I am loving myself enough that I will not go where I do not feel welcome.
I started to feel bad about this but then I thought about it and what I am doing is not done with malice, it is not done to show T.C or my daughter I am right and they are wrong or vise/versa, it is done because I don't deserve that kind of abuse any more.
And the beat goes on!
This showed up on my computer this a.m.
Knowing when to walk away is wisdom
Being able to is courage
Walking away with your head held high is dignity
Replies
Love you and the closing quote.
IMO, you are teaching little Vicki how to love and showing her how its done.
xx
Yes, I love you too Vicki.
I\'ve had to removed myself from family events because I believe my brother, who talks over me, interrupts me and ignores me is \'abusing me\' every time. I also believe my elder sister does the same.
So, I make the choice not to let them reduce me to tears time and time again. I stay away.
It takes a lot of strength.
I\'m pleased things are healing between you and your daughter. I\'m sorry her husband is abusive.
You do deserve better.
Xxx
I have a love for you in my heart and as well as a tremendous appreciation.
I have been I quite similar shoes as you and I am familiar with this talking versus not talking game. I do remember you telling bits and pieces of this story and I know it has been very painful.
You are right about the abuse. It\'s quite clear that this man is a controlling and abusive man. I think he must feel threatened by you. Obviously he has more power over your daughter if he isolates her.
I understand your decision to take care of you and stay away from the situation. I have had to make similar decisions and I know it is a guy wrenching one. I have, at times, felt as though I was choosing between me and my daughter and it doesn\'t feel good at all. I\'ve done as you are doing and chose to make healthy decisions for me while keeping the door open for my daughter. Just because we keep the door open doesn\'t mean we have to standing waiting at the door.
I\'ll keep you in my prayers. The holidays are a difficult time. You are just one person doing the best you can :)
BIG (((HUG)))
gut wrenching... Not guy wrenching. Maybe that was a Freudian slip? Lol
Hi Vicki,
Sending you hugs for your bravery and for taking care of yourself. I think it takes a lot of courage to not just \"go along\" when you have deep love for others involved (your daughter). She must find this speaking/not speaking thing very strange as well.
I do think that you are doing what you need to for yourself. And your daughter is making her choices as well. Making your decision as you are, to without malice or not to prove a point, but simply because you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome, so you do not want to place yourself in that position, well I think it is wise.
Hugs and Love,
Shari
Thank-you everyone. I cried all morning in my meditation and one thing I realized Shari is exactly what you said \"she is making her choices and I am making mine.\" Something In me simply cannot go and be treated like that anymore. I am worth being treated with respect and I feel not being spoken to or acknowledged is very dis-respectful. This is a tough one; but it\'s what I choose to do.
xo
As Lisa says, \"You don\'t have to wait by the door\". The rejection pain is typical for \"controlling CO\'s\" isn\'t it? I want things to be my way, and when I don\'t get it I sometimes continue to go back to the same dry well to quench my \"thirst\", repressing the obvious; the well is dry, there is no water, find another well since this is not the only well, just the one I want water from.
I believe you awareness that you are not angry or vengeful at your daughter and her husband, and that you are caring for yourself, is a very healthy sign. I too have been in social situations where I was not nurtured or acknowledged so I \"got the hint\" and \"let them be\". I believe we all can feel that negative energy \"in our bones\", where our common courtesy is not reflected; and I believe it is not a question of, \"Why? What did I do? What can I do?\", it\'s accepting it is not me that has the problem and needs to correct, nor is it my responsibility to correct them and their feelings; was a recognition that thus relationship was not to be, and it may never be, and trust that I am being guided somewhere better.
It\'s one thing to beat my head against a pillow \"wall\", a rock \"wall\", or the \"White Cliffs of Dover\". Sometimes everything doesn\'t need to be my say. Sometimes God says \"NO!\". LOL!
You post sounds like good but difficult self-care to come to terms with, finally. You have resolved your emotions, and choose not to spend any more wasted psychic energy on the relationship. It doesn\'t need to be \"fixed\", it is what it is. Right? The \"IT\" is your painful emotions you\'ve chosen to let go of. Good for you and your health.
Lot\'s of Love your way, and blessings,
Hugszzz,
Rich
Thank-you Rich. I have gone the past Holiday\'s and it never feels comfortable or right; actually, it feels awful. I just can\'t do that anymore! I\'d rather be home by myself, eating my Turkey dinner and taking naps on my couch.
xo