my daughter
19 years ago and some months you were born to me, I was so scared, unmarried, had no job, no place to call home yet, so I let my brother and his wife take you, hoping you would have a more stable better life.
It didn't work, I end up taking you back. I couldn't stand the thought of other people raising my daughter, and just totally messing up a life that I made.
You had such independance as an infant, and you were so vocal, I loved it! Because I was so timid and shy as a child. I loved the fact that you were so full of life.
When I heard your first laugh, I thought wow! Watching your first steps, your first words.
As you started your first day of school I found it hard to leave you there, i stayed for over an hour just sitting and watching you play with your new found friends, and you came over to me twice to tell me I could go now. I laughed through tears, knowing that I would have many more times when you would be telling me that.
I remember chasing out your first boyfriend from your room, and telling you that I would make sure he never had any children if I found him in your room again! That seems like only yesterday, but you were 14 yrs old, a whole 5 yrs ago?! wow!!
Watching you get broken hearted after you two broke up. I wanted to hurt him when he kept hurting you over and over, you told me to understand you loved him, I thought of telling him off, but I went ahead and stood by and let you grow from it. As hard as it was, I kept silent.
So many time I have had to step aside and let you grow, trying so hard to guide you in the right direction, and you are so strong willed.
Watching you with your alcoholism, and drug addiction, was the hardest, trying to talk you into stopping, but the SA you went through was so traumatizing, it is the only way you can cope, I wish I had spent more time with you. Talked with you more about the dangers of alcohol/drugs. Trying to stop you from destroying your life and others around you. Knowing that you are only hurting yourself most. But being a single parent is the most difficult job to do.
Living with an abusive spouse was the hardest, I thought in all honesty that he was protecting us, that he was taking care of us, I was sure we were the best parents on the block, because he didn't drink all that much and was not abusing drugs. Little did I know we were dealing with a monster, a terrorist. Nevermind the terrorists attacking our country, we were being attacked within our own 4 walls!
My dear daughter, you had to grow up faster than most children, instead of playing house you were actually living as a second mom in my home. I thought it was just him preparing you for adulthood, yet he was doing you harm, taking away your innocence! You were being everything for him, and at the same time trying to protect your little brother and sister from the same fate as you.
I ask myself how I could I have not seen it, how could I overlooked such abuse, when I was trained in ECE how to look for signs, even though I saw them, how could I not see that it was him doing the SA?
All I ever wanted was to have a happy life, with a husband/father who would bring you up in love and security.
Why is there such abuse? Why did he have to let go of his monsters on you? Why didn't he just leave us? How will I ever find forgiveness, and let go of the guilt of the life that you live today?
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think what could I have done to make your life better, because all I ever wanted was a better life for you and your siblings. I messed it up so bad, by bringing that man home and letting him into our lives. I'll never forgive myself for how I let you down.
There are some days I think, why Lord did you bless me with children only to have me ruin there lives?
I know there is hope, Our future is brighter for not having him in our lives. But if I could press the rewind button and redo my life, I would just so that my daughter could live a brighter and happier future.
I hope that all goes well in the courtroom today, I have to put a restraining order on you today, for the safety of my children, may you find peace and happiness in your life, I hope you grow and learn from each experience in life. I wil miss you terribly, but I must let you go now. Find healing.
Blessings, love and prayers sent out to my daughter today.
It didn't work, I end up taking you back. I couldn't stand the thought of other people raising my daughter, and just totally messing up a life that I made.
You had such independance as an infant, and you were so vocal, I loved it! Because I was so timid and shy as a child. I loved the fact that you were so full of life.
When I heard your first laugh, I thought wow! Watching your first steps, your first words.
As you started your first day of school I found it hard to leave you there, i stayed for over an hour just sitting and watching you play with your new found friends, and you came over to me twice to tell me I could go now. I laughed through tears, knowing that I would have many more times when you would be telling me that.
I remember chasing out your first boyfriend from your room, and telling you that I would make sure he never had any children if I found him in your room again! That seems like only yesterday, but you were 14 yrs old, a whole 5 yrs ago?! wow!!
Watching you get broken hearted after you two broke up. I wanted to hurt him when he kept hurting you over and over, you told me to understand you loved him, I thought of telling him off, but I went ahead and stood by and let you grow from it. As hard as it was, I kept silent.
So many time I have had to step aside and let you grow, trying so hard to guide you in the right direction, and you are so strong willed.
Watching you with your alcoholism, and drug addiction, was the hardest, trying to talk you into stopping, but the SA you went through was so traumatizing, it is the only way you can cope, I wish I had spent more time with you. Talked with you more about the dangers of alcohol/drugs. Trying to stop you from destroying your life and others around you. Knowing that you are only hurting yourself most. But being a single parent is the most difficult job to do.
Living with an abusive spouse was the hardest, I thought in all honesty that he was protecting us, that he was taking care of us, I was sure we were the best parents on the block, because he didn't drink all that much and was not abusing drugs. Little did I know we were dealing with a monster, a terrorist. Nevermind the terrorists attacking our country, we were being attacked within our own 4 walls!
My dear daughter, you had to grow up faster than most children, instead of playing house you were actually living as a second mom in my home. I thought it was just him preparing you for adulthood, yet he was doing you harm, taking away your innocence! You were being everything for him, and at the same time trying to protect your little brother and sister from the same fate as you.
I ask myself how I could I have not seen it, how could I overlooked such abuse, when I was trained in ECE how to look for signs, even though I saw them, how could I not see that it was him doing the SA?
All I ever wanted was to have a happy life, with a husband/father who would bring you up in love and security.
Why is there such abuse? Why did he have to let go of his monsters on you? Why didn't he just leave us? How will I ever find forgiveness, and let go of the guilt of the life that you live today?
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think what could I have done to make your life better, because all I ever wanted was a better life for you and your siblings. I messed it up so bad, by bringing that man home and letting him into our lives. I'll never forgive myself for how I let you down.
There are some days I think, why Lord did you bless me with children only to have me ruin there lives?
I know there is hope, Our future is brighter for not having him in our lives. But if I could press the rewind button and redo my life, I would just so that my daughter could live a brighter and happier future.
I hope that all goes well in the courtroom today, I have to put a restraining order on you today, for the safety of my children, may you find peace and happiness in your life, I hope you grow and learn from each experience in life. I wil miss you terribly, but I must let you go now. Find healing.
Blessings, love and prayers sent out to my daughter today.
Replies
Wow, beautifully written babyrena, very heartfelt. I hope everything goes well for everyone at court today. Peace, love and prayers to you all x
There is so much she doesn\'t understand right now, I hope that when she has children that she will see the love that is so unconditional when it comes from a mother.
I just want to say, that the power of unconditional love is the strongest, really the only, force in the universe. I can tell from reading that that you will always be extending it to your daughter....and maybe one day it will heal you both, so you can be together again. Sending love and light to you.
This is very touching and I can see how much you care for your kids. I hope that your daughter can move on to better things and that you two can mend your conflicts one day.
Thank you hockeymom, and sassygray, I was so emotional yesterday. Seemed like everything made me cry.
your journal post made me cry.
did you send this to her? or are you just keeping it in your heart...?
it\'s beautiful.
I have a restraining order against her, so for right now I just have to keep it in my heart