My cup runneth over
Much love, much gratitude, much grief, overflowing, and sometimes I'm just so overwhelmed I don't know which way is up. I think (like the time I drove through the blinking red light in December?) I need to slow down a little. Feeling sort of loony and ferocious... hmmm sounds manic. I think the needle might be a little too far into the red zone for me, usually a mellow even-keeled person. When *I* start snapping at my husband, something is very very wrong. I guess I'm the last to know it. <sigh>
Friday was my birthday, plus Byron's birthday. (Yes, he was the best little birthday present I ever got!) We had a small family party with just two friends plus my brother and his wife, and my parents. A delicious dinner and wine and chocolate. Since then, it's been all non-stop programming and too much action, probably too much sugar too. Not enough time with the doggies.
All Friday I felt super tender like I could cry at any minute... of course no goofball birthday call from Andy... you mean he's really gone? Breathe in, breathe out. When Byron finally got here for dinner I was just so grateful and relieved to hold and be held by someone who completely knows the sorrow, although as a friend said, you sure wish he didn't. Saturday: I did get some exercise at the Y, but then we went to a large dinner party in the neighborhood, and what do I end up discussing with the people at my area of the table but cancer, choices about whether to take treatment or not, whether elderly and terminally ill people have the right to end their own lives, and how much we are each comfortable sharing on CaringBridge sites and the like. I am a real barrel full of monkeys, lol. My end of the table has a little black raincloud hovering over it. A friend of Drew's once said, "Don't go out and socialize unless you're ready willing and able to have a ****ing good time," and I guess I broke that rule. I go out and try, but I end up drained. I know many of you can relate to that.
Today: a church service which was very boisterous and draining, then a LONG and beautiful but hot and long and emotionally draining memorial service for a friend who died last week of the same brain cancer as Andy had (WHAT? My son had cancer?!?!? For how long will this be a shock?) and then I went back to MY church to offer the first of seven classes based on a book called The Sacred Art of Listening. I'd say it was the turning point in my weekend. A moment of silence, a little gratitude, a genuinely sweet and caring moment. Believe me I am no expert on listening but I loved this book and wanted to explore the 40 meditations with a group, so we have made it happen.
Now I just want to sit on my couch and rest. No more rushing today. Recharge. No more draining the tank. Rest. Recover.
xoxoxo
Friday was my birthday, plus Byron's birthday. (Yes, he was the best little birthday present I ever got!) We had a small family party with just two friends plus my brother and his wife, and my parents. A delicious dinner and wine and chocolate. Since then, it's been all non-stop programming and too much action, probably too much sugar too. Not enough time with the doggies.
All Friday I felt super tender like I could cry at any minute... of course no goofball birthday call from Andy... you mean he's really gone? Breathe in, breathe out. When Byron finally got here for dinner I was just so grateful and relieved to hold and be held by someone who completely knows the sorrow, although as a friend said, you sure wish he didn't. Saturday: I did get some exercise at the Y, but then we went to a large dinner party in the neighborhood, and what do I end up discussing with the people at my area of the table but cancer, choices about whether to take treatment or not, whether elderly and terminally ill people have the right to end their own lives, and how much we are each comfortable sharing on CaringBridge sites and the like. I am a real barrel full of monkeys, lol. My end of the table has a little black raincloud hovering over it. A friend of Drew's once said, "Don't go out and socialize unless you're ready willing and able to have a ****ing good time," and I guess I broke that rule. I go out and try, but I end up drained. I know many of you can relate to that.
Today: a church service which was very boisterous and draining, then a LONG and beautiful but hot and long and emotionally draining memorial service for a friend who died last week of the same brain cancer as Andy had (WHAT? My son had cancer?!?!? For how long will this be a shock?) and then I went back to MY church to offer the first of seven classes based on a book called The Sacred Art of Listening. I'd say it was the turning point in my weekend. A moment of silence, a little gratitude, a genuinely sweet and caring moment. Believe me I am no expert on listening but I loved this book and wanted to explore the 40 meditations with a group, so we have made it happen.
Now I just want to sit on my couch and rest. No more rushing today. Recharge. No more draining the tank. Rest. Recover.
xoxoxo
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