My Conversation With God

Dear Lord:
I'm not angry with you or Richard.  I'm just angry.  Angry because Richard suffered with cancer when he was one of your shining gems, someone I believe you would have wanted here as an example, rather than your home in heaven.  He truly didn't deserve the fate he was handed.
I silently fume when people say that you have a better plan, that you know what is best for us, or that you must have wanted him in heaven.  I refuse to believe that you, dear Lord, would strike my husband with cancer and suffering because you felt it was his time to depart this world.  I refuse to believe that you would intentionally cause this, knowing how I would suffer.  If that's the case, you can't be the Lord I have learned about, relied on or trusted all these years.
Instead, I believe that you choose to control only so much, for if not, we would only be your pawns and puppets.  You created us, but you also gave us free will and choice.  Cancer is just one of those flaws in your perfect creation that evolved over time.  And we, as humans, created the almighty cigarette and other cancer causing agents.  So, without full knowledge of why and how, and knowing you have the power to cure this disease, I am still not angry at you.
You know my morning ritual.  I talk to you.  I tell you how I am feeling, I ask for your support and healing.  You know I want nothing more than to have my husband here, with me.  Instead, I hope you will continue to allow him to stay around me, as I feel his presence 24/7/365.
Since I realize I can't have what I want more than anything in this world, I ask that you protect me, guide me, and respect my decisions.  Respect that I want to remain on my own, be at peace with my life, and gain strength as an independent woman.  I wish to be surrounded by good friends and family that love me, understand me, and support me, as I will them.  I have no desire for remarriage, a committed relationship, or a companion.  Instead, I desire to remain Mrs. Debra X until I depart this earth.  If I reach my old age, I want to look back with peace, pride, and admiration, remembering all the things I was able to do on my own, with no regrets.  I have visions of Richard running for me with open arms, a huge smile on his face.  I want to be able to look in his eyes, knowing that I waited for him body and soul.  I know we are eternally bound, for I feel it in my soul.
Dear Lord, I didn't ask for our lives to be altered, but I accepted and I adjusted with your help.  Now I ask no more than for you to respect what I want now.  I can't say I deserve it, or that you owe it to me.  But I didn't ask to be a widow either. 
Your loving child, Debbie

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Debbie,
I admire your brutal honesty with this prayer. This prayer is really a heartfelt expression that most of us feel. I agree and fume also when I\'m told that this - cancer/suffering - is God\'s plan.

I must say I have been very angry at and ask why of God. What I ask of the Lord is - You allowed this to happen, now You have to get me thru it, help me accept it and help me figure out what is next.

I\'m glad you know what you want and have a purpose for the remainder of your life. I pray to some day find it for myself.

My husband was also \"Richard\" or most often \"Dick\" :-)
Hugs,
Kathy
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

My husband went by Dick also. But, depending on the company we were in, the ribbing would start if he was addressed by Dick. I felt it appropriate here to address him by Richard.

Kathy, I am a brutally honest person. I\'ve been called on it here a few times, but I don\'t care. I say it how I feel it.

The other crap I get is that I\'m so young and I have my whole life ahead of me. It\'s like, excuse me people, but do you have any inkling what I lost here? I don\'t consider my mid-50\'s young, and do you really know how long I will live? So, get off my back. I\'d rather be by myself than to rebuild what I lost with someone else. You\'ve got to be kidding me. We\'re not trading in for a new car here.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi: I haven\'t been on this site for a long time ... not sure why I chose to visit today. I lost my wife to ovarian cancer in October, 2009.

I respect your decision to stay \"Mrs. Debra X.\". In fact, I wish I had some of your courage and discipline. But I do disagree with how you view your age. I\'m 53 -- and I feel young. :-)

My wife and I had a very long conversation just weeks before she passed -- about a year ago -- on a warm humid night. I was pushing her in the wheelchair on our walking route in the park just down the street. I can feel my hands on the wheelchair. The conversation was one-way ... her telling me the way it was going to be. She wanted me to seek companionship after she was gone. At the time, I disagreed vehemently but now I see her wisdom.

I\'m not made to be alone and she knew it. Not because I\'m helpless or \"don\'t know how to do things.\" My house is clean, I\'m turning into a decent cook, etc. But I so desire to share my life -- I really dislike being alone.
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

Phil, as the saying has gone, we are only as old as we feel. I never gave much thought as to how I\'m supposed to feel to match my age.

Coming from a woman, our 50\'s isn\'t \"young\" anymore. Mature in grace and mature in wisdom, yes.

Since I reached my 50\'s, I have no time nor patience for crap, relationship problems or issues, or starting over to build a life with a new mate. I am content in my own skin, taking care of myself and my home, both physically and financially. I had never been alone. Went from home with parents to a married life. I didn\'t ask for this life, but have learned to enjoy the freedom that comes with it.

Not being disrespectful, but if my husband was telling me the way it was going to be, I would not have entertained it for 5 minutes. He knew the type of person I was anyway, so that conversation would have never occurred anyway.

I share my life, but I share it with my good friends and my family. After 14 months, the only male companion I desire to share it with is the one I lost. So, until I am reunited with him again, I will living life this way.

No offense Phil, really. Some people aren\'t made to be alone. It\'s just not part of their makeup. Doesn\'t matter whether it is male or female, however, most often men will seek female companionship moreso than a woman. It\'s just the difference between the sexes.

My husband and I did have a conversation that I generated when we learned his cancer was back. Not going into detail, but it was no surprise to me that our answers matched. I\'m afraid I was married and matched to a person no one else will ever be able to hold a candle too. And that\'s fine with me.

I hope you find someone to share your life with Phil. Someone nice and that fulfills the loneliness you feel. We are all responsible to recreate our lives to a level that suits us and makes us warm and content inside.
Blessings, Debbie
wendywillow
wendywillow

I admire your spunk. Your writings resonate with me.

When hubby and I were just getting to know one another, he took me to the ocean. There was an area of the beach where the tide was just coming in. We had to cross that area of water (almost like a small river or stream) to get to the other side and over the rocks. Hubby (he was not my hubby yet), took my hand and we crossed together.

That image came to mind in the weeks previous to his death. I reminded him of that day and told him that I expect him to be waiting for me when it\'s my turn to \"cross over\". He smiled at me from his hospital bed and said \"I\'ll be there for you.\" And I know he will.
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

Wendy, it made me cry. Just to imagine hearing those words, for if I had asked my hubby, he would have told me the same say. I have a necklace he gave me with the words, I will always be at your side. I know he is and he won\'t break that promise, ever.