My Conversation With God
Dear Lord:
I'm not angry with you or Richard. I'm just angry. Angry because Richard suffered with cancer when he was one of your shining gems, someone I believe you would have wanted here as an example, rather than your home in heaven. He truly didn't deserve the fate he was handed.
I silently fume when people say that you have a better plan, that you know what is best for us, or that you must have wanted him in heaven. I refuse to believe that you, dear Lord, would strike my husband with cancer and suffering because you felt it was his time to depart this world. I refuse to believe that you would intentionally cause this, knowing how I would suffer. If that's the case, you can't be the Lord I have learned about, relied on or trusted all these years.
Instead, I believe that you choose to control only so much, for if not, we would only be your pawns and puppets. You created us, but you also gave us free will and choice. Cancer is just one of those flaws in your perfect creation that evolved over time. And we, as humans, created the almighty cigarette and other cancer causing agents. So, without full knowledge of why and how, and knowing you have the power to cure this disease, I am still not angry at you.
You know my morning ritual. I talk to you. I tell you how I am feeling, I ask for your support and healing. You know I want nothing more than to have my husband here, with me. Instead, I hope you will continue to allow him to stay around me, as I feel his presence 24/7/365.
Since I realize I can't have what I want more than anything in this world, I ask that you protect me, guide me, and respect my decisions. Respect that I want to remain on my own, be at peace with my life, and gain strength as an independent woman. I wish to be surrounded by good friends and family that love me, understand me, and support me, as I will them. I have no desire for remarriage, a committed relationship, or a companion. Instead, I desire to remain Mrs. Debra X until I depart this earth. If I reach my old age, I want to look back with peace, pride, and admiration, remembering all the things I was able to do on my own, with no regrets. I have visions of Richard running for me with open arms, a huge smile on his face. I want to be able to look in his eyes, knowing that I waited for him body and soul. I know we are eternally bound, for I feel it in my soul.
Dear Lord, I didn't ask for our lives to be altered, but I accepted and I adjusted with your help. Now I ask no more than for you to respect what I want now. I can't say I deserve it, or that you owe it to me. But I didn't ask to be a widow either.
Your loving child, Debbie
I'm not angry with you or Richard. I'm just angry. Angry because Richard suffered with cancer when he was one of your shining gems, someone I believe you would have wanted here as an example, rather than your home in heaven. He truly didn't deserve the fate he was handed.
I silently fume when people say that you have a better plan, that you know what is best for us, or that you must have wanted him in heaven. I refuse to believe that you, dear Lord, would strike my husband with cancer and suffering because you felt it was his time to depart this world. I refuse to believe that you would intentionally cause this, knowing how I would suffer. If that's the case, you can't be the Lord I have learned about, relied on or trusted all these years.
Instead, I believe that you choose to control only so much, for if not, we would only be your pawns and puppets. You created us, but you also gave us free will and choice. Cancer is just one of those flaws in your perfect creation that evolved over time. And we, as humans, created the almighty cigarette and other cancer causing agents. So, without full knowledge of why and how, and knowing you have the power to cure this disease, I am still not angry at you.
You know my morning ritual. I talk to you. I tell you how I am feeling, I ask for your support and healing. You know I want nothing more than to have my husband here, with me. Instead, I hope you will continue to allow him to stay around me, as I feel his presence 24/7/365.
Since I realize I can't have what I want more than anything in this world, I ask that you protect me, guide me, and respect my decisions. Respect that I want to remain on my own, be at peace with my life, and gain strength as an independent woman. I wish to be surrounded by good friends and family that love me, understand me, and support me, as I will them. I have no desire for remarriage, a committed relationship, or a companion. Instead, I desire to remain Mrs. Debra X until I depart this earth. If I reach my old age, I want to look back with peace, pride, and admiration, remembering all the things I was able to do on my own, with no regrets. I have visions of Richard running for me with open arms, a huge smile on his face. I want to be able to look in his eyes, knowing that I waited for him body and soul. I know we are eternally bound, for I feel it in my soul.
Dear Lord, I didn't ask for our lives to be altered, but I accepted and I adjusted with your help. Now I ask no more than for you to respect what I want now. I can't say I deserve it, or that you owe it to me. But I didn't ask to be a widow either.
Your loving child, Debbie
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