My committment to Social Justice
I AM SO VERY TOUCHED BY THE OUTPOURING OF SUPPORT OF MY DS FRIENDS. THANKYOU ALL !!
My last posting on the "topic list" was my hissy fit about my anger. It is a life long issue for me, expressing my anger. I hope I didn't offend anyone and I am always deeply alarmed at the intense level of my rage and how easily I get hurt by the slightest things. I know I am a very passionate extrovert however as .CFS has worsened over many years I have developed almost a paranoia.
I have had a great life mtg great people with wonderful opportunities, having fun and becoming strong through alot of independence. However there has also been alot of trauma, everything from wife abuse, to poverty, long term unemployment, abusive family members, neglect, etc.. And even as a young child I was left as a latch key kid, very terrified and alone alot.
When my boyfriend from my Christian church got me pregnant I was 19. I wanted an abortion, but the church group pressured me to cancel it, aggressively with an intervention. I've had many good people help me out over the yrs, but it didn't prevent me from having to raise a child with an abusive husband (who,was training for the Christian ministry), living in dire poverty, with 4 rich parents that only nominally helped me.
I,could list,many traumatic events I've lived through, however when I am not in the throes of feeling,ill or depressed (not alot of the time), I am amazed at how much passion, joy and resourcefulness with which I rose above my trials. Then, within a few hrs symptoms change and the glass is half empty.
As you all know the CFS experience can be humiliating, people constantly judging you and pressuring you to get better. Then there's the medical profession ,therapists, etc.. I know I am genetically sensitive. It has been a blessing and a curse. I know now I have PTSD. Hopefully before hell freezes over I will attend a group or get counseling to start this long road of recovery. I'll have to fit it into the schedule,for,the grief counseling and then clear away time again for help,with clinical depression. Oh, and then there's the rehab stuff for fibromyalgia, can't forget that. I almost forgot I need to search for professional help for the POTS (Postural,Orthostatic Tachychardia Syndrome)
I made a,decision about 15 yrs ago that many people spend their whole life searching to,get better and they don't. I decided I wanted a life instead. So,I tried to fit in as many interest groups or,courses,as,I,could. These included finishing grade 12 biology, volunteering in environmental groups, The Green Party, a community Barter system, United Church: directing children's choir,sunday school and outreach committees, women's centres, 4 groups in a large city wide Social Justice network, yoga classes, swimming, Theology Discussion group, Women's Architects group, and several community development projects.
Strangely because I was always looking for work in the non-profit sector as a community or social worker, it was part of my "job hunting" to actually get involved with all these great organizations. However there were way too many graduates with even more education than me and 2nd languages, etc..and over a period of 9 years I only secured p/t contracts for about 1.5 years. Somehow I functioned, had constant relapses and even finished my degrees on a part to,full time level, resting alot and giving up,social life.
So,it is no wonder I get bored easily and VERY frustrated with a lack of immense stimulation. Also,I have many years of education on being multicultural and politically correct. When I see how shallow minded many organizations or medical units are it is particularly hurtful. I have spent my whole adult life training and being "evaluated" to be highly analytical and politically correct. It will take me some time to accept that all of that preparation and sacrifice never could pay for my food or support my child. I will never get a job in my field and cannot even earn $5 a week.
I continue to be committed to social justice and compassion for the disadvantaged. I can never forget my suffering and the selfish acts of many middle class people who couldn't lend a hand, including my 4 parents, churches I have worked in, etc.. There is no other more important work, it is in my genes. Somedays I feel that I am blessed to talk with people who,share their vulnerabilities with me and I can make a difference. I come home glowing.
Also, my new spiritual learning over the last 2 years has opened my eyes to looking at my ancestors as gifted and caring people who were doing their best. Some of them hurt me really badly, but now that most of them are gone, they have appeared in my dreams and a type of healing is taking place.
Each of us has a unique journey, always moving toward love ,acceptance and compassion. As we struggle with our CFS bodies let's stay aware of the healing of tolerance in our world towards the disabled, gay, transgendered, bisexual, Buddhist, Muslim, whatever people are and in whatever way they are disadvantaged or suffering.
My last posting on the "topic list" was my hissy fit about my anger. It is a life long issue for me, expressing my anger. I hope I didn't offend anyone and I am always deeply alarmed at the intense level of my rage and how easily I get hurt by the slightest things. I know I am a very passionate extrovert however as .CFS has worsened over many years I have developed almost a paranoia.
I have had a great life mtg great people with wonderful opportunities, having fun and becoming strong through alot of independence. However there has also been alot of trauma, everything from wife abuse, to poverty, long term unemployment, abusive family members, neglect, etc.. And even as a young child I was left as a latch key kid, very terrified and alone alot.
When my boyfriend from my Christian church got me pregnant I was 19. I wanted an abortion, but the church group pressured me to cancel it, aggressively with an intervention. I've had many good people help me out over the yrs, but it didn't prevent me from having to raise a child with an abusive husband (who,was training for the Christian ministry), living in dire poverty, with 4 rich parents that only nominally helped me.
I,could list,many traumatic events I've lived through, however when I am not in the throes of feeling,ill or depressed (not alot of the time), I am amazed at how much passion, joy and resourcefulness with which I rose above my trials. Then, within a few hrs symptoms change and the glass is half empty.
As you all know the CFS experience can be humiliating, people constantly judging you and pressuring you to get better. Then there's the medical profession ,therapists, etc.. I know I am genetically sensitive. It has been a blessing and a curse. I know now I have PTSD. Hopefully before hell freezes over I will attend a group or get counseling to start this long road of recovery. I'll have to fit it into the schedule,for,the grief counseling and then clear away time again for help,with clinical depression. Oh, and then there's the rehab stuff for fibromyalgia, can't forget that. I almost forgot I need to search for professional help for the POTS (Postural,Orthostatic Tachychardia Syndrome)
I made a,decision about 15 yrs ago that many people spend their whole life searching to,get better and they don't. I decided I wanted a life instead. So,I tried to fit in as many interest groups or,courses,as,I,could. These included finishing grade 12 biology, volunteering in environmental groups, The Green Party, a community Barter system, United Church: directing children's choir,sunday school and outreach committees, women's centres, 4 groups in a large city wide Social Justice network, yoga classes, swimming, Theology Discussion group, Women's Architects group, and several community development projects.
Strangely because I was always looking for work in the non-profit sector as a community or social worker, it was part of my "job hunting" to actually get involved with all these great organizations. However there were way too many graduates with even more education than me and 2nd languages, etc..and over a period of 9 years I only secured p/t contracts for about 1.5 years. Somehow I functioned, had constant relapses and even finished my degrees on a part to,full time level, resting alot and giving up,social life.
So,it is no wonder I get bored easily and VERY frustrated with a lack of immense stimulation. Also,I have many years of education on being multicultural and politically correct. When I see how shallow minded many organizations or medical units are it is particularly hurtful. I have spent my whole adult life training and being "evaluated" to be highly analytical and politically correct. It will take me some time to accept that all of that preparation and sacrifice never could pay for my food or support my child. I will never get a job in my field and cannot even earn $5 a week.
I continue to be committed to social justice and compassion for the disadvantaged. I can never forget my suffering and the selfish acts of many middle class people who couldn't lend a hand, including my 4 parents, churches I have worked in, etc.. There is no other more important work, it is in my genes. Somedays I feel that I am blessed to talk with people who,share their vulnerabilities with me and I can make a difference. I come home glowing.
Also, my new spiritual learning over the last 2 years has opened my eyes to looking at my ancestors as gifted and caring people who were doing their best. Some of them hurt me really badly, but now that most of them are gone, they have appeared in my dreams and a type of healing is taking place.
Each of us has a unique journey, always moving toward love ,acceptance and compassion. As we struggle with our CFS bodies let's stay aware of the healing of tolerance in our world towards the disabled, gay, transgendered, bisexual, Buddhist, Muslim, whatever people are and in whatever way they are disadvantaged or suffering.
Replies
So glad you felt supported! Thus is such and amazing group. And I wasn\'t offended by your post. You were expressing how you felt. These illnesses are incredibly difficult to deal with. In so many ways! Throw \"life\" on top of it all and we\'re bound to feel intense emotions. It can be such a roller coaster ride. Sounds like you\'ve been through a lot. I\'m sorry you\'ve been through trauma. While I\'m just getting to know you, from what you\'ve shared, it seems like you\'ve been able to really relate to the suffering of others. And to help them. I grew up in an environment that taught empathy but any hardship or struggle I\'ve had throughout my life has reiterated to me that suffering is suffering. Sounds like you\'ve made a difference in peoples lives! Hugs....
Thankyou for your kind words. I am honored that you read and appreciated my journal entry!
Pouty, I am glad you are journaling, it really can be cathartic. You are such a loving person & care so much for other people, but the trauma you have felt in your life has caused you such pain. I spent several years in counseling for the same thing & it has changed my life. My first husband was an alcoholic, drug addict who loved other women. After 10 years with him, my self esteem was in the toilet & boy was I ever angry. The counseling helped me put it all in perspective & love myself again. I think it has helped me to deal with this illness too. This is something you could consider along with journaling. You are so worth it. Hearing your story, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing it with us, it took much courage. Take care & many gentle hugs going your way, Denise
Having CFS is such a horrible thing! What an understatement that is!! But having a difficult childhood, feeling less than important, and not validated properly can mess us up for a lifetime!!
Pregnant at a young age and lacking support is a real difficult thing. I raised my daughter alone. I was already 30 when I had her, but still, I was alone and I know I needed lots of support that I did not get. Thank the Lord she is ok. She has lupus, I have CFS...so we\'re quite the pair.
I come on here and rant and rave on my journals. It\'s SO ok that you do that, Pouty!! Just be yourself, vent some of that anger out here. It\'s safe. You are a smart, sensitive person, who cares about others.
I am honored to be your friend! oxo
Thankyou, I am still reeling from writing these 2 pieces. Feeling very sick and weak, bordering on panic. Does this ever end?
You\'ve probably held things in for such a long time, no wonder you are drained from putting things into words. I\'m praying for you - facing the past usually seems harder to me than dealing with physical problems.
Good one pouty.Learning tolerance to all and not discriminating is true spiritual growth.The humble sage sees with equal vision.Love to you xoxo