my broken heart
This can't be real. Not in a million years could God allow a baby to die. I read somewhere that when the bible talks about stillbirths it says that it's God way of rescuing a baby who would otherwise have an incredibly difficult life. That just made me angry. WHO THE HELL IS GOD TO CREATE AND PLAN A LIFE OF HARDSHIP AND PAIN FOR A LITTLE BABY AND THEN SNATCH THEM FROM THEIR MOTHER'S ARMS AT THE LAST MINUTE?! WHERE IS MY RESCUE? How can anyone be so stupid to think that that would comfort a grieving mother?
I'm sorry. I know that's totally blasphemous and all that, but I have a right to be angry today dammit and I'm going to be.
I want to hold her so badly sometimes that my arms ache. It's literally like a knife is being plunged into my chest and twisted. I see her little bathrobe I bought with the ducks covering it. I see her little memory box with her hair and footprints, and I can't believe any of it is real. How can I have these things so close all the time? Am I crazy? I wonder sometimes if I should just pack it all away and try to erase this whole thing from my life because if I don't I don't think I will ever begin to live again.
I feel like I'm breaking a promise if I think about trying to forget. I promised her I would never leave her alone. That she would always be the center of my world. And she has been. It's all I can give her. I can't throw my baby girl a first birthday party. I can't bake her a cake. I can't buy her toys or a puppy. I can't hold her or rock her to sleep. I can only shell out an extra $400 dollars to have a nicer headstone put over her grave, that is the only birthday present I can give to her.
I don't know what else to say right now, it's like there are no words for what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I've exhausted my entire mental dictionary in the last year trying to articulate how I feel, and it still doesn't even come close to the reality. But anyone reading this is an angel mommy too, so I guess you all understand. :(
thank you all for being here for me always. Thank you for not judging me and just letting me be angry or sad or crazy. Thank you for not treating me like a basket case. Love you all *HUGS*
I'm sorry. I know that's totally blasphemous and all that, but I have a right to be angry today dammit and I'm going to be.
I want to hold her so badly sometimes that my arms ache. It's literally like a knife is being plunged into my chest and twisted. I see her little bathrobe I bought with the ducks covering it. I see her little memory box with her hair and footprints, and I can't believe any of it is real. How can I have these things so close all the time? Am I crazy? I wonder sometimes if I should just pack it all away and try to erase this whole thing from my life because if I don't I don't think I will ever begin to live again.
I feel like I'm breaking a promise if I think about trying to forget. I promised her I would never leave her alone. That she would always be the center of my world. And she has been. It's all I can give her. I can't throw my baby girl a first birthday party. I can't bake her a cake. I can't buy her toys or a puppy. I can't hold her or rock her to sleep. I can only shell out an extra $400 dollars to have a nicer headstone put over her grave, that is the only birthday present I can give to her.
I don't know what else to say right now, it's like there are no words for what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I've exhausted my entire mental dictionary in the last year trying to articulate how I feel, and it still doesn't even come close to the reality. But anyone reading this is an angel mommy too, so I guess you all understand. :(
thank you all for being here for me always. Thank you for not judging me and just letting me be angry or sad or crazy. Thank you for not treating me like a basket case. Love you all *HUGS*
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