my broken heart
This can't be real. Not in a million years could God allow a baby to die. I read somewhere that when the bible talks about stillbirths it says that it's God way of rescuing a baby who would otherwise have an incredibly difficult life. That just made me angry. WHO THE HELL IS GOD TO CREATE AND PLAN A LIFE OF HARDSHIP AND PAIN FOR A LITTLE BABY AND THEN SNATCH THEM FROM THEIR MOTHER'S ARMS AT THE LAST MINUTE?! WHERE IS MY RESCUE? How can anyone be so stupid to think that that would comfort a grieving mother?
I'm sorry. I know that's totally blasphemous and all that, but I have a right to be angry today dammit and I'm going to be.
I want to hold her so badly sometimes that my arms ache. It's literally like a knife is being plunged into my chest and twisted. I see her little bathrobe I bought with the ducks covering it. I see her little memory box with her hair and footprints, and I can't believe any of it is real. How can I have these things so close all the time? Am I crazy? I wonder sometimes if I should just pack it all away and try to erase this whole thing from my life because if I don't I don't think I will ever begin to live again.
I feel like I'm breaking a promise if I think about trying to forget. I promised her I would never leave her alone. That she would always be the center of my world. And she has been. It's all I can give her. I can't throw my baby girl a first birthday party. I can't bake her a cake. I can't buy her toys or a puppy. I can't hold her or rock her to sleep. I can only shell out an extra $400 dollars to have a nicer headstone put over her grave, that is the only birthday present I can give to her.
I don't know what else to say right now, it's like there are no words for what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I've exhausted my entire mental dictionary in the last year trying to articulate how I feel, and it still doesn't even come close to the reality. But anyone reading this is an angel mommy too, so I guess you all understand. :(
thank you all for being here for me always. Thank you for not judging me and just letting me be angry or sad or crazy. Thank you for not treating me like a basket case. Love you all *HUGS*
I'm sorry. I know that's totally blasphemous and all that, but I have a right to be angry today dammit and I'm going to be.
I want to hold her so badly sometimes that my arms ache. It's literally like a knife is being plunged into my chest and twisted. I see her little bathrobe I bought with the ducks covering it. I see her little memory box with her hair and footprints, and I can't believe any of it is real. How can I have these things so close all the time? Am I crazy? I wonder sometimes if I should just pack it all away and try to erase this whole thing from my life because if I don't I don't think I will ever begin to live again.
I feel like I'm breaking a promise if I think about trying to forget. I promised her I would never leave her alone. That she would always be the center of my world. And she has been. It's all I can give her. I can't throw my baby girl a first birthday party. I can't bake her a cake. I can't buy her toys or a puppy. I can't hold her or rock her to sleep. I can only shell out an extra $400 dollars to have a nicer headstone put over her grave, that is the only birthday present I can give to her.
I don't know what else to say right now, it's like there are no words for what I'm feeling and thinking right now. I've exhausted my entire mental dictionary in the last year trying to articulate how I feel, and it still doesn't even come close to the reality. But anyone reading this is an angel mommy too, so I guess you all understand. :(
thank you all for being here for me always. Thank you for not judging me and just letting me be angry or sad or crazy. Thank you for not treating me like a basket case. Love you all *HUGS*
Replies
I\'m there with you!!! Annaya\'s and my birthday was on the 27th... I\'ve hated the entire month. I\'ve been questioning God to the point where my StepMother had to hang up on me today. She understands how we feel because my stepbrother killed himself when we were 16. Doubting or questioning God is a part of being Human.
Now that August is over... I have so many regrets because I feel like I\'ve neglected my older children, who were also born in August.
I wish none of us were here and we were happily moving forward in life with our babies... toddlers...
There\'s something wrong about rocking an urn and singing happy birthday. That truly pisses me off. I want my daughter back but... then, I would not know any of you.
Vent...
Hugs!!!
Nneka
Ever since the day of her funeral I have been dreading her birthday. :(
I know this is gonna be so hard. Thanks for sharing and making me feel not as insane.
I\'m always here for you. I know how you feel.I also question\'s God\'s way of doing the things he does. If you don\'t think you should put her stuff away, then don\'t. I still have my son\'s ashes on my dresser. You will never forget her.
Thank-you for sharing your feelings. I am dreading my angel\'s birthday in October... I don\'t know what to expect or how I will deal... I do know that I will have lots of support on here though and that\'s what you have! You go crazy, vent and be angry and blasphamous - you are entitled. Thinking of you
~Jodi
Oh boy - my son\'s should be birthday is coming up this month as well. I feel just awful. I am sending you positive energy and lots of love. I have questioned my faith in God for years now, and I don\'t know if mine will ever come back, but I know I am a good person and I try to send good thoughts to other angel moms regardless of religion because after all we are all just moms missing our babies. I hope your faith helps you when you need it and even if you question it, it is quite normal. Keep your head held high and I hope at least the headstone will help you by giving her a gesture of your love. I have no idea what I will be doing since Liam is not buried or anything, but I may just take flowers to my nurses that delivered him.. Anything to keep sane, I wish the very best to you. xoxo
Thank you ladies so much. I guess we just have to stick together and get through it. There\'s no other choice, we have to keep living even if we never stop aching.
I completely understand. None of it is fair; we should be celebrating milestones--not dreading them.
I HAVE to believe that God didn\'t take June because he was sparing her from some horrible life. Many children are born living into horrible lives with terrible diseases and horrible, abusive parents. June was healthy and all my husband and I would have done for her is love her and take care of her. I don\'t think June\'s death was in God\'s hands at all. I think He\'s grieving right along with me; I don\'t think He can control everything here on earth because if He could then He\'d be doing a much better of job. That may sound bad, but I have faith in a God who wants nothing more than hapiness and health for us; not a God who randomly \"punishes\" well-meaning people by taking their babies. That kind of God doesn\'t sound like one I want to pray to. How am I supposed to lean on a God who just took my baby from me? I have to believe God didn\'t want June to die. He didn\'t control it, order it, or was in charge of it. He loves her and is taking care of her now, but I can\'t believe she was taken as a way to punish me.
I have really really struggled with my faith since June\'s death, but after a great deal of reading and soul searching, I have made peace with God. I still don\'t think it is fair, and it still angers me to no end, but I don\'t think anything about the world is fair anymore. I used to, before something tragic happened to me, but now I realize just how unfair, messed up, and chaotic much of the world is.
I share this with you only as my thoughts. I didn\'t arrive at them easily and I certainly don\'t expect anyone else to even understand them. I just completely understand all of your feelings and wanted to let you know how I\'ve tried to wrap my head around them.
Nothing changes the fact that my daughter should be here and so should yours. I miss June terribly and hate that I\'m not watching her learning to crawl around the living room right now.
Big hugs,
Kelsey
I\'m pissed off, too! You said it, HOW CAN THIS BE REAL?!! Damn!
You know it\'s so odd Junesmommy because June is actually my name too. Technically it\'s Juniper, but they nick named me June. And I totally understand struggling with religion, my BF hasn\'t been to church since we lost her, he is so angry at God. My beliefs are different though, I\'m not a \"christian\", so I guess its harder for all of you to equate your loving christian God with the things that we have gone through. Luv u all.