My brain's in a blender
Plans got moved up, and while I am excited about the prospect of living free from tyranny, I am waging a battle within myself--thinking of the myriad things that could go wrong and the hassle that this move is going to be. Somehow, the thought of moving into my own home, even though I realize this is unrealistic (as he has found us repeatedly and then simply made his way back in), is so much more comforting and seems so much easier to pull off than going to stay in a shelter for any length of time.
I am thinking about the legal battles that are sure to ensue. I am thinking of the way the kids are going to take this, and the fact that I won't have a place for Jordan to come home to when he and Jackie (inevitably) break it off again. I am thinking of how difficult it is going to be to avoid Timmy in this little town--after all, I will still have to grocery shop, go to the library and to work, and the kids will still have to attend school. I am thinking of how the cat is going to feel being cooped up in a cage at the shelter when he is so used to running around outside and then coming back in to eat and lay comfortably with one of us to sleep. Timmy already threatened once that he would take the girls away if I did not have a place for them to live--i.e. if we were staying in a shelter. Will he go this far? Will he try to get them from school and then hold them hostage in an effort to get to me? Will they want to stay with him so they don't have to bear the embarrassment and discomfort of spending time in a shelter? Will they understand that this is really the best option at this point, to ensure that we are safe and that we can move on permanently with our lives? They are teenagers and very conscious of how others perceive them, so I imagine staying in a shelter is not something that will be acceptable to them.I think of all the work ahead of me--trying to figure out what is necessary while we are there, and what to put into storage--how will I move it all, what must I take......
Then I think of Alexis' sad expression when she asked me "Did my dad ever love us?" I think of all the hell they have gone through and how there are scarily few years left in which I can show them that this isn't normal, healthy, real, or love. Scarily few years left that I can show them how beautiful, special, and fun life should be. I think of how confusing this mess has been for them, and how they deserve so much better. I think of my own childhood, and how I don't want them to repeat this cycle--it's time for it to end. I know that staying in the shelter is the only way I will ever be able to heal, become stronger, and financially able to find another place. I cannot keep playing this back and forth game for my own mental state either. This HAS to be IT! I think if I end up back in the "hole" one more time, I will not survive it. And the only way to ensure that this is permanent is to be more intelligent and savvy about my plans.
So, while I am exhausted, nervous, sick over this whole thing, I am also excited, happy, and positive about it. I feel like my brains have been turned to mush going through the blender. Hopefully, turning them to mush means they will be put back together in the RIGHT way on the next go round. I realize there is a long road ahead and that it may get harder before it gets easier, but I feel ready to enter this phase (and get it over with finally!!)
Breathing now!!
I am thinking about the legal battles that are sure to ensue. I am thinking of the way the kids are going to take this, and the fact that I won't have a place for Jordan to come home to when he and Jackie (inevitably) break it off again. I am thinking of how difficult it is going to be to avoid Timmy in this little town--after all, I will still have to grocery shop, go to the library and to work, and the kids will still have to attend school. I am thinking of how the cat is going to feel being cooped up in a cage at the shelter when he is so used to running around outside and then coming back in to eat and lay comfortably with one of us to sleep. Timmy already threatened once that he would take the girls away if I did not have a place for them to live--i.e. if we were staying in a shelter. Will he go this far? Will he try to get them from school and then hold them hostage in an effort to get to me? Will they want to stay with him so they don't have to bear the embarrassment and discomfort of spending time in a shelter? Will they understand that this is really the best option at this point, to ensure that we are safe and that we can move on permanently with our lives? They are teenagers and very conscious of how others perceive them, so I imagine staying in a shelter is not something that will be acceptable to them.I think of all the work ahead of me--trying to figure out what is necessary while we are there, and what to put into storage--how will I move it all, what must I take......
Then I think of Alexis' sad expression when she asked me "Did my dad ever love us?" I think of all the hell they have gone through and how there are scarily few years left in which I can show them that this isn't normal, healthy, real, or love. Scarily few years left that I can show them how beautiful, special, and fun life should be. I think of how confusing this mess has been for them, and how they deserve so much better. I think of my own childhood, and how I don't want them to repeat this cycle--it's time for it to end. I know that staying in the shelter is the only way I will ever be able to heal, become stronger, and financially able to find another place. I cannot keep playing this back and forth game for my own mental state either. This HAS to be IT! I think if I end up back in the "hole" one more time, I will not survive it. And the only way to ensure that this is permanent is to be more intelligent and savvy about my plans.
So, while I am exhausted, nervous, sick over this whole thing, I am also excited, happy, and positive about it. I feel like my brains have been turned to mush going through the blender. Hopefully, turning them to mush means they will be put back together in the RIGHT way on the next go round. I realize there is a long road ahead and that it may get harder before it gets easier, but I feel ready to enter this phase (and get it over with finally!!)
Breathing now!!
Replies
HELLO I FEEL YOUR FEARS, BUT YOU HAVE COURAGE, AS FOR THE SHELTER, IT WOULD BE BEST TO HAVE A PLACE TO STAY, WHAT ABOUT FAMILY, YOUR KIDS NEED A HOME, BEING IN A SHELTER ,YES HE WOULD TRY ANYTHING, GET BETTER ORGANISED AND RENT SOME PLACE, BETTER SMALL THAN THE SHELTER, I AM PRAYING FOR YOU, AND YOUR FAMILY, HE SHOULD BE THE ONE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE NOT YOU, HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO A LAWYER ABOUT DIVORCE, MENTAL ABUSE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, AND LET HIM GO AND ROT , NOT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN,HAVING TO LEAVE THEIR HOME..LOVE LUCY**
Many Hugs Sweet! You\'ve come this far with your determination to finally have a normal, healthy life. You will finally be able to find yourself, without him making you walk on egg shells any longer. You will be at peace, not only for yourself, but for your girls. They won\'t want to stay with him.... They too will be able to be themselves, without wondering when the other shoe will drop. It\'s hard for a child to realize that they were never really loved by a parent (over 3 years ago, my step-son realized that his egg-donor unit never loved him, just wanted the child support, we have had custody since August, 2010, so the support stopped for her). But they are resilient, and the therapy your girls are getting will help tremendously. Especially once you all are out from under his thumb, fist, verbal abuse, etc. Stay strong and safe.