My body is NOT a wonderland..
I have always had body issues. At 7 years old I started writing in my first diary. I was mortified to read the kind of stuff I thought about as a child. I wrote about being ugly and no one liking me. I was scared that no one would love me. I didn't feel beautiful. It was actually quite depressing to read. Then I got older and it got worse. I read entries about 9 or 10 year old speaking of how fat I was, and how no one would ever love anyone who is ugly and fat. Any time I had a "crush" on someone they would end up liking my friend. Very scary to think about 7-10 year old having crushes!
But here's the thing.. I was very skinny as a child. And when I say skinny, I mean I was bones! Okay, not that extreme but there was literally no fat on me!
It is insane to think of being so young and innocent and creating something that wasn't there. It worries me to think about what triggered all of those thoughts. As I got older it was honestly the same thing. I didn't feel pretty and I felt fat. When I was a teenager I was ashamed of my body. I constantly covered up and I was never satisfied with what I was wearing or what I looked like. I guess when I started dating those feelings went away for a little bit. I guess they made me feel temporarily beautiful until they got in my pants and left me.. or the relationships ended.. or I got cheated on.
I feel like now is the HARDEST time in my life. With all these heath issues, stress, and life changes. Looking back on my younger life I want to go back in time, and hug myself. Just tell her that she IS beautiful. She IS a great person. She is NOT fat and anyone would be lucky to have her. But, I can't. I have to accept the past and move on..
And now I am almost 25. I am 12 lbs away from 200, the heaviest I have ever been. I am starting to get ache here and there, hair is popping up more in places that are rare, my moods are up and down, I am gaining weight by the weeks that pass by, and I just feel gross. I feel ugly, I feel gross, and I don't feel pretty.
9 years ago I fell in love with someone. He was the only guy that really has ever made me feel good about myself. Long story short after a year of being in each other's lives he joined the Army. We have see each other a couple times during those years. It's been a very long couple of years and now we finally have the chance to get to know each other again. I am not holding my breath because of many reasons but I am hoping for the best. I feel like we owe it to ourselves to see where this goes. 8 years later and he is finally getting out. He is spending some time in NY before moving to IL to join the Coast Guard. He officially leaves in 10 months but I was just informed that he is visiting in the summer for i believe 2 weeks.
I should be ecstatic, nervous, happy, and jumping for joy that I will see him in about 4-5 months rather than 10-11 right? As much as I feel those emotions, my fear, paranoia, insecurity, and doubts overpower...
The truth is, when he met me, I was a size 5. I had long, dark hair, porcelain skin, and a flat stomach. I didn't have any acne, I wasn't hairy, and I didn't have stretch marks. I also didn't have PCOS. And, yes he has seen me throughout those years but I haven't seen him in 3 years and in the past 3 years I have completely changed psychically. I get an insane amount of anxiety anytime I think about what he will think when he sees me. This is a guy straight out of the Army, who is gorgeous beyond words, and who has a perfect body, abs and all. He is used to having girls who look like models, and whose bodies are perfect. Why would he want to settle with someone who looks like me? And sure, I can blame it all on the PCOS, and yes, looks shouldn't matter when you love someone, but honestly? What is there to love about me psychically?
I am so drained... Emotionally/Mentally.. All I want to do is crawl up in a ball and die sometimes. Even my sister jokes around about me being fat. And yes, that's mean but she's 10 and she doesn't realize that I take offense. She only tries to be funny. But, I know I have gained a lot of weight. And idk what to do..
I am unemployed. I can't afford to buy food to make healthy meals all day during my workouts. My parents are honestly not supportive at all and when I talk to my Mom about buying healthy stuff for the whole house instead of just me she makes comments about why everyone should suffer, and that I need to learn portion control.. (This is coming from the mother who cooks dinner at 3PM) And when she does buy healthy stuff, it's for her.. Losing my job is starting to kill me. I have always been independent, and always paid my way for myself, and now that I finally have to rely on my parents they basically shun me.
Ugh, I am babbling again..
Everyone keeps telling me to stay on a diet, (Which they don't understand is hard in a house full of compulsive junk food eaters), and work out constantly. I feel like I need a boost. I have tried so many diets throughout the years and nothing sticks and nothing works. I am so confused and lost. I am making an appointment to see an Endocrinologist soon. My only wish is to see if she can actually help me because my gyno is ridiculous...
People I have known for years look at me, and I know what they are thinking: "Wow, Crystal really let herself go! And she's not even married or has kids!"
They don't even know why or what I have been struggling with.. They don't know..
All I want is to lose this horrendous weight, clear up this acne, and get rid of this hair!
I just want to feel better about myself, and I want others to look at me as someone who is pretty, not someone who looks like a monster..
I was JUST starting to find my way back to the light and now I have been ripped back into the darkness, deep inside this hole that I know too well...
='(
But here's the thing.. I was very skinny as a child. And when I say skinny, I mean I was bones! Okay, not that extreme but there was literally no fat on me!
It is insane to think of being so young and innocent and creating something that wasn't there. It worries me to think about what triggered all of those thoughts. As I got older it was honestly the same thing. I didn't feel pretty and I felt fat. When I was a teenager I was ashamed of my body. I constantly covered up and I was never satisfied with what I was wearing or what I looked like. I guess when I started dating those feelings went away for a little bit. I guess they made me feel temporarily beautiful until they got in my pants and left me.. or the relationships ended.. or I got cheated on.
I feel like now is the HARDEST time in my life. With all these heath issues, stress, and life changes. Looking back on my younger life I want to go back in time, and hug myself. Just tell her that she IS beautiful. She IS a great person. She is NOT fat and anyone would be lucky to have her. But, I can't. I have to accept the past and move on..
And now I am almost 25. I am 12 lbs away from 200, the heaviest I have ever been. I am starting to get ache here and there, hair is popping up more in places that are rare, my moods are up and down, I am gaining weight by the weeks that pass by, and I just feel gross. I feel ugly, I feel gross, and I don't feel pretty.
9 years ago I fell in love with someone. He was the only guy that really has ever made me feel good about myself. Long story short after a year of being in each other's lives he joined the Army. We have see each other a couple times during those years. It's been a very long couple of years and now we finally have the chance to get to know each other again. I am not holding my breath because of many reasons but I am hoping for the best. I feel like we owe it to ourselves to see where this goes. 8 years later and he is finally getting out. He is spending some time in NY before moving to IL to join the Coast Guard. He officially leaves in 10 months but I was just informed that he is visiting in the summer for i believe 2 weeks.
I should be ecstatic, nervous, happy, and jumping for joy that I will see him in about 4-5 months rather than 10-11 right? As much as I feel those emotions, my fear, paranoia, insecurity, and doubts overpower...
The truth is, when he met me, I was a size 5. I had long, dark hair, porcelain skin, and a flat stomach. I didn't have any acne, I wasn't hairy, and I didn't have stretch marks. I also didn't have PCOS. And, yes he has seen me throughout those years but I haven't seen him in 3 years and in the past 3 years I have completely changed psychically. I get an insane amount of anxiety anytime I think about what he will think when he sees me. This is a guy straight out of the Army, who is gorgeous beyond words, and who has a perfect body, abs and all. He is used to having girls who look like models, and whose bodies are perfect. Why would he want to settle with someone who looks like me? And sure, I can blame it all on the PCOS, and yes, looks shouldn't matter when you love someone, but honestly? What is there to love about me psychically?
I am so drained... Emotionally/Mentally.. All I want to do is crawl up in a ball and die sometimes. Even my sister jokes around about me being fat. And yes, that's mean but she's 10 and she doesn't realize that I take offense. She only tries to be funny. But, I know I have gained a lot of weight. And idk what to do..
I am unemployed. I can't afford to buy food to make healthy meals all day during my workouts. My parents are honestly not supportive at all and when I talk to my Mom about buying healthy stuff for the whole house instead of just me she makes comments about why everyone should suffer, and that I need to learn portion control.. (This is coming from the mother who cooks dinner at 3PM) And when she does buy healthy stuff, it's for her.. Losing my job is starting to kill me. I have always been independent, and always paid my way for myself, and now that I finally have to rely on my parents they basically shun me.
Ugh, I am babbling again..
Everyone keeps telling me to stay on a diet, (Which they don't understand is hard in a house full of compulsive junk food eaters), and work out constantly. I feel like I need a boost. I have tried so many diets throughout the years and nothing sticks and nothing works. I am so confused and lost. I am making an appointment to see an Endocrinologist soon. My only wish is to see if she can actually help me because my gyno is ridiculous...
People I have known for years look at me, and I know what they are thinking: "Wow, Crystal really let herself go! And she's not even married or has kids!"
They don't even know why or what I have been struggling with.. They don't know..
All I want is to lose this horrendous weight, clear up this acne, and get rid of this hair!
I just want to feel better about myself, and I want others to look at me as someone who is pretty, not someone who looks like a monster..
I was JUST starting to find my way back to the light and now I have been ripped back into the darkness, deep inside this hole that I know too well...
='(
Replies
when the list of issues and challenges reaches an overflowing state its so very difficult for us to see the forest for the trees... and you cannot climb a mountain except one step at a time... seeing an Endocrinologist is an AMAZING first step. I hope that goes well. If it does, then other steps will be made available to you to help you get to that top. The job is a toughy, not only for the income but for the self esteem that comes with it. I have lost many jobs over the years and each one was a horrible blow to me emotionally. And at times it took what seemed like forever to get back into my field, but in the meantime I took what was available, for no other reason than to keep busy and keep my emotional well being from totally collapsing... I don\'t mean to offer advise that maybe you don\'t want, just throwing some thoughts out there... :)