My Birthday Weekend/Meeting The Massage Therapist

Saturday was my birthday.  During the day we stayed home and I organized clothes.  I love to organize!  I even got my husband to go through his old clothes with me and he cleared out pretty many items.  Then later we went out shopping and out to dinner.  All my kids called me (yeah!) including the one who lives far away.  Some friends (including an old friend of mine who is like my brother – I grew up with him) and relatives called me to so it was a nice day.  Even that flaky friend of mine (best friend’s sister) called in the morning not realizing it was my birthday.  I’m getting older and I don’t like it.  But I don’t look or act my age so I can’t let the number bother me.  I look and act a lot younger than I am so I can feel proud of that.   The first thing this friend said to me was how my life is so much better than hers.  I thought something major happened and asked her what was going on.  No … just life in general.  But she makes a base salary of 90,000 plus commissions, her husband has his own company, they live in a 900,000 house and they just got back from The Bahamas.  How bad could life be?  I made sure I told her I saw the couple people she works with at the massage therapist’s.  I stressed how I was inquiring about what she does and made sure she knows nothing about me seeing a therapist in that same office.  I even said I’m going Monday to meet with her.  She worries so much about money.  I do, too and she knows my situation.  I told her I’ve decided that no one knows how long they are going to live so you need to enjoy now.  And treating yourself to things is OK (like massages, etc).  She asked me, “Don’t you worry about wanting to leave money for your kids?”  I told her sure, if I was rich and had a lot of money but the most important thing is to love them now.  Now, she treats herself to anything she wants, any time she wants.  So again, she got another phone call, we got disconnected and she never called me back.  She’s such a flake!  I used to let it bother me but now I don’t.  Sunday we went over to my granddaughter’s rehabilitation center to celebrate my birthday.  It was my daughter’s boyfriend’s idea to order pizza, have dinner there and do my whole birthday there so his daughter (my granddaughter) could be involved too.  We were originally going to do it at my house and bring the cake and do that part only with her.  But this way was excellent!  We went into a conference room, had a big long table and had our own little party.  The best part was being with everyone and it was the best!  Except – my youngest who was not there because he lives to far away.  Once two of my kids were laughing at me.  I asked why they were laughing.  They said I’m just funny – I guess how I act sometimes and what I say sometimes.  They did say it in a good way.  I am a lot of fun when I’m able to be.  That’s me!  I wish I had one dollar for every time my granddaughter hugged me, said “My Nana!” or “I missed you, Nana” or “I’ll miss you when you go.”  I would be a rich person.  I am not exaggerating at all when I tell you she did these or said these at least 100 times just this Sunday night.  My therapist said that I just may be that special person she’ll always remember.  I worry why it’s to the extreme.  But I will never tell you I want any thing different.  I love it!  It’s so nice to feel wanted and needed.  Once, during dinner, my granddaughter started choking and a second later my daughter let out this big, huge ‘soda’ burp.  They were sitting on each side of me.  I cringed because of my throwing up fear.  But they were fine.  Then my son decided, a couple times, to spin my grandson around on a chair.  I told him to stop because he might throw up.  Finally he did stop but my grandson just kind of stared for a second and I thought maybe he was going to.  So I walked away with my daughter saying, “Mom, he’s not going to throw up!” and thank goodness he didn’t.  My kids aren’t very tolerant of my fear at all.  Today, Monday I went to my therapist’s office to meet with the massage therapist.  I went at the time my therapist will start seeing me for my extra appointment but this week she said she couldn’t.  But I don’t know if she saw someone during that hour because I was in with the massage therapist the whole time.  I think God doesn’t want me to know because I need to trust the reason she couldn’t see me this week and it really shouldn’t matter.   I thought it might be awkward if my therapist comes out to see me in the waiting area when it wasn’t my appointment time and maybe she would be calling someone else in.  But it didn’t happen that way (the massage therapist was in the waiting room as soon as I got there and we went right in) and the massage therapist told me right off the bat she had already told her I was coming.  And, it just so happened to be when I was leaving she was in the hallway taking someone else.  Well, I think she was taking her in, “Jane”, and not leaving because she introduced her to the massage therapist when I was leaving.  At first I didn’t know who she was introducing her to and I turned back around.  But my therapist and I already exchanged hi’s and see you Thursday.  That was a little awkward but I just left then.  She started radiation therapy today for her breast cancer.  I hope she does well and I do pray for her!!  Now about the massage therapist.  I thought I would only be there a few minutes to talk and 5-10 minutes for a quick chair massage.  But she talked a long time explaining things to me and gave me a chair massage.  I started worrying about having to go to the bathroom about half way through.  I just kept telling myself not to do this to myself because then I will have to go.  I went right before I went in and I hardly drank so I tried to console myself with that.    When she was giving me the massage I tried to talk a lot as not to relax too much because I was afraid I’d go to the bathroom.  I’ve done that with my husband before and I sure didn’t want to do that there.  I don’t want her to know about my problem at all and I hope my therapist didn’t tell her anything.  I don’t think she would – without my permission – at least I hope she wouldn’t.  She didn’t seem to know anything.  She talked about doing massages for up to 90 minutes and didn’t say anything about taking a break.  I told her about someone else told me she used to fall asleep and she said some do and it’s OK.  I didn’t say but no way do I want to do that!  Can you imagine the embarrassment of peeing on the table?  I don’t do it all the time, but … my luck!  I told her about my flaky friend.  I said a very old friend and sister to my best friend that died of breast cancer.  And, how I met those co-workers out in the waiting area when I was just trying to get on the internet.  It turns out her husband works at their company, too.  She understood, I hope, that I don’t want her knowing I see a therapist there.  The massage therapists OK, but not my therapist.  She understood but I hope she remembers to check with my therapist in case she does ever make an appointment.   I told her I’ll think about if I want to make my appointments before or after my therapy and I’ll call her.  And, it’s all so new we need to just try and see what happens.  The table massages scare me because of my bladder problem.  And, I don’t want to tell her.  I’m sure my therapist will recommend me to.  I think I’ll be fine with the chair massages because they don’t last as long and I can go just before.  So I’ll talk it out with my therapist when I go Thursday.  And, as far as what I want.  Just the massages or the ‘healing’ massages.  And, there’s another massage therapist there, too.  Which one would be best?  My husband got home from work tonight and like always, I tell him things that happen.  But it’s like talking to a wall and I hate it.  He hardly responds and sometimes it’s negative.  Or if not negative it’s sure not positive and encouraging and helpful and empathetic.  No wonder I’m so lonely and I need more …. more ….  more  … from others in a caring, giving way.  I can give it freely but I don’t receive it.  He can sit and watch TV or be on the computer and nothing else matters – nothing!  When I say something he tries to change but it sure doesn’t last very long at all.