my birthday on valentines day
As of 324 pm on febuary 14th I will be officialy 32 yrs old and I have to say this is my worst birthday ever. I thought at 32 my life would begin. I thought at 32 my son, my first child, my miracle, the baby I always dreamed of would be born. I thought at 32 it would be the best birthday ever just by knowing he was inside of me and all the joy that I had to look forward to. I thought at 32 I would become a mommy for the first time. But instead of this I became a mommy to angel at 31. My world came crashing down in the worst possable way at 31 yrs old. Instead of celebrating what should have been my best birthday ever.. I get to spend the day knowing my son is gone and not here to celebrate with me, I get to spend the day knowing that just the day before, today, it is the 3 week aniversary of my sons birth and death. I hate birthdays. I hate getting older. I hate that this is just another day to me rather than a special birthday. I hate that I have to spend another birthday alone. I hate that people wish me happy birthday and all I want to do is cry. I hate that God took my son away. I hate that every year 3 weeks b4 my birthday I will be thinking of my sons first and final day here. I hate that this happens to good people . I hate that I feel like my son was being punished for all of my wrong doings. I hate that Im crying right now. I hate that this will be marked as the worst year of my life rather than the best. I hate that I am on a website like this cause its the only thing kepping me strong right now. I hate that my son had to die. I hate that everyone gets to be happy on my birthday, everyone but me. Valentines day is a day set aside once a year to be with the ones you love the most. Well I want to be with the one I love the most but he is in heaven and there is nothing I can do to change it. He was supossed to be my valentine this year, my best birthday present of feeling his kicks and movements.I just want my valentine, birthday present back so badly it hurts.
Replies
I\'m so so sorry. All I can say is that your angel, your little boy, he loves you. He is sending you love and kisses from far away. I know how hard it is to keep struggling on, when you feel like all is lost. Try not to feel like your son was being punished, or you are being punished for your wrongdoings. There are other mothers who have healthy babies (and it makes me crazy to think of this) and they take drugs, and drink and smoke. They don\'t care, and yet they get to have their child. There are no real answers as to why our children died. I think that sometimes we just have to understand that we\'ll never truly know why. Blaming ourselves for what happened isn\'t fair on us. We did everything we could for our child, you loved your son, nurtured him and did your best for him. There are some mothers who can NEVER say that, even if their child is living. Some children never even get to experience one ounce of the love you have for your son. I know none of this probably helps, and I am so sorry that you are having to endure this pain. I just want you to know that I understand. Let this be the worst year of your life. I know that 2010 was the worst year of mine. I hated it and desperately wish it had never happened. But wishing that it will go away won\'t help. Allow yourself to be angry and cry and scream. You deserve it to yourself to allow yourself to be angry that this is an awful year, that your son isn\'t with you on what was supposed to be a joyous birthday. I\'m so so sorry. I\'ll be thinking about you. Hugs, Sam.
WELL, I couldn\'t agree with you more. I clearly remember my 35th birthday when I was supposed to have a little girl on my lap to help my son and I blow out my candles. It just royally sucks!! Cheksmom is right though. Just feel it, go with it. Do whatever it takes to get through each day, each holiday, and I\'m sure you figured it out for today. What is it that they say? We aren\'t strong, we just survive. I am sorry you are having to go through all of this, I am sorry all of us are going through this. It\'s terribly unfair! Thinking of you and your sweet Max, Happy late Birthday, Hugs, Stacy