My biggest issue from my childhood
This will be short but it is one of the biggest hurdles i have ever had to deal with from my teen years and one of the hardest for me to overcome. i swore i would take this to my grave but instead it is becoming my grave.i must of been 15 or just turned 16 and i was dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression issues for quit some time when this event occurred. I was at the bottom with no way up, my brother was at a friends house (prolly sedales) and my sister had a horde of friends over. I honestly felt at that time i had no friends, my friend danny wasnt talking to me like he used to and was making jokes about me behind my back. my other supposed friend zack was hardly a friend during this time and i never fully trusted him and he put a knife to my throat and said that he could kill me if he wanted and my life was in his hands, which it wasnt and never was to begin with.it was a weekend and i locked my self in my room in my depression trying to do my home work. i had finished all of it, or at least all i ever intended on doing, and was studying my jazz band music since it was starting up soon and everyone had to do try outs to participate in jazz band.
my sister and her horde had been demoralizing me and worsening any feelings (or what was left) that i had making me feel even less wanted. (both my parents never helped in this regard but that is a subject for another time). I was having suicidal thoughts for quite some time now and had tempted it in the past but never could fully go through with it. Today was different, cause that day was the day i was going to end my life.
so i tried, a few times actually, by hanging cause there was no other means in my room (well there was but would of been even less efficient and more painful and noisy/messy and none of them involved properly sharp objects) so i tried several times to hand my self, none of them succeeded cause the "rope" i was using was actually a old karate best and wasnt long enough to tie around my head and any object i tried to hand my self from.
so i decided i would just through myself into the river and let it take me wherever it pleased so long as i died i cared little of anything else let alone the destination my body would land. however my father had a even crueler fate for me. as i left my room i was immediately face to face with him. we had not spoken to each other today up till this point and he was quick furious when he finally did decide to grace me with with his presence and the abruptly condemn me for something i had no control over let alone will power to even acknowledge.
He told me to "stop mopping around in my room" so he knew i was depressed, and that i was more depressed, sad and lonely more so then any other day before this one. then he tells me that "I need to go into the kitchen and clean it up right now!" this basically ended our one sided conversation, the day that i lost all real respect for him as a father and any hope for myself or the future. He had made it clear, that the kitchen was more important to him, it was more important to have clean kitchen then for his son to live. My sister was home, my mother was home, together they could of cleaned it quite quickly before my sisters horde arrived. but they never do and even today very rarely do so.
i was shocked at what my father said so much so i couldnt go to the river i couldnt do anything i froze for a time. trying to understand what he told me and what it all meant. i was doing home work and study, then my depression turned to failed suicide and now with words my father killed my heart and my love. from that day i was never the same and i dont think i ever could be because my father succeeded in doing what i have tried but never could do, kill myself.
my sister and her horde had been demoralizing me and worsening any feelings (or what was left) that i had making me feel even less wanted. (both my parents never helped in this regard but that is a subject for another time). I was having suicidal thoughts for quite some time now and had tempted it in the past but never could fully go through with it. Today was different, cause that day was the day i was going to end my life.
so i tried, a few times actually, by hanging cause there was no other means in my room (well there was but would of been even less efficient and more painful and noisy/messy and none of them involved properly sharp objects) so i tried several times to hand my self, none of them succeeded cause the "rope" i was using was actually a old karate best and wasnt long enough to tie around my head and any object i tried to hand my self from.
so i decided i would just through myself into the river and let it take me wherever it pleased so long as i died i cared little of anything else let alone the destination my body would land. however my father had a even crueler fate for me. as i left my room i was immediately face to face with him. we had not spoken to each other today up till this point and he was quick furious when he finally did decide to grace me with with his presence and the abruptly condemn me for something i had no control over let alone will power to even acknowledge.
He told me to "stop mopping around in my room" so he knew i was depressed, and that i was more depressed, sad and lonely more so then any other day before this one. then he tells me that "I need to go into the kitchen and clean it up right now!" this basically ended our one sided conversation, the day that i lost all real respect for him as a father and any hope for myself or the future. He had made it clear, that the kitchen was more important to him, it was more important to have clean kitchen then for his son to live. My sister was home, my mother was home, together they could of cleaned it quite quickly before my sisters horde arrived. but they never do and even today very rarely do so.
i was shocked at what my father said so much so i couldnt go to the river i couldnt do anything i froze for a time. trying to understand what he told me and what it all meant. i was doing home work and study, then my depression turned to failed suicide and now with words my father killed my heart and my love. from that day i was never the same and i dont think i ever could be because my father succeeded in doing what i have tried but never could do, kill myself.
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