My beautiful son

I am inspired by the lovely tributes I've recently read from Mom's about their children.  I thought I'd write a letter to Max expressing what I feel on this beautiful sunny summer day.
Dear Max,
I'm at the beach house looking at the sun gleaming on the water as the waves lap softly on the shore.  Birds are full of song and the dragon flies are doing their acrobatics in the sky.  Dad is planting in the front (no surprise there) and I am so aware of your sweet presence.  How you loved the beach and all it offered.  Swimming, fishing, boating, riding, eating, family.  Our house is close to being finished and I know you visit.  I hope for a sign from you today.  Truth is, I am vulnerable today and missing you so much that I need a sign.  Your smile.  Your independence.  The silliness of you.  I've come to think of you as my "soul".  Dad is my "heart" and Alex is my "love".  But you are my soul.  We just understood each other, didn't we?  Sometimes there was no need for words.  Just a glance.  A smile.  A knowing gesture.   I can hear you telling me to move on.  Intellectually, I know you are right.  But my problem is I have no idea what "moving on" means.  I retired a year after your passing and know that was a good decision.  It has given me time to encounter my grieving and not put it off to the side.  It has not been an easy past year yet I know I progress and I am proud of that.  I am working on myself and trying to be the best I can be.  I so want to honor your life by living my days on this earth to the fullest.  My sweet, handsome, silly boy.  Your mama thinks of you every day and knows you will be waiting for her when she, too, passes over.  Until then, please keep sending me signs and pray that I am able to live with love's powerful spirit to guide me.  I love you with all of my being Max. 
Your "favorite" mama