my bad day
Perhaps my bad day is a misnomer, most days are bad right now with some good moments, but today would be my worse day...my "Alexander and the no good very bad day" kind of day.
Last night I gave in and took my sleeping med's. But for some reason I got really hyper. Sometimes the pills knock me out almost emediously other days.... So I started seeing things, and seeing double. Joel said it was really bad cause I was talking to things too. He said I was talking to the bathtub and thought we were going to a bathtub party...hosted by (of all people) Genghis Khan and his twin brother, and which version of the two Joel's I was seeing would like to go to the party with me. Thing is when Im on these meds I like it better than reality. I should change my dose but really I just dont want to talk with my Ob. I like her but they bring up such bad memories. I wish I could think of all the good ultrasounds and everytime we heard his heart beat...but mostly not.
Today.
My cat Pandora has been throwing up for over two weeks straight. We've taken her to the vet and gotten med's to try but nothing seemed to work. So today they did blood work and Xrays. I am terrified. I mean damn it cant one of us be healthy! Joel has a congenial heart issue, I have crohns and migraines, Liam got parvo...Why cant Pandora be ok. I started thinking maybe I'm cursed...
They call me and say everything looks realitivly normal but will you come in after our lunch break we want to talk with you. G, now Im releaved but worried there is something they dont want to tell me over the phone. So I go to Walmart to get her some special cat food and there are babies everywhere. EVERYWHERE! I turn one corner there is one so I go the other way. I went almost the entire store the wrong way because I couldnt get away from the sound of a child crying. Its horrible, a child's crys shouldnt bring me to tears. So I call Joel and tune in on him and try to ignore the world all around. Joel and I get off the phone while I check out and then I see it...a child in Liam's cute little stroller. green with little pocka dots. Its slightly different but mostly the same. I stared. I forced myself to walk out the door and to my car.
By this time my face is bright red but I am trying not to cry. I ahve to get Pandora and its snowing so I need to focus on the road. Im really trying not to cry.
Then my sister calls, and I think I could unleash some of my pain to her. I tell her how I m worried about Pandora, and about the beautiful heartwrinching babies. "oh" she says. I tell her about the matching stroller "well..." she says. And then she let it loose. (See we cound;t have Liam's service right after he was born like we planned because it snowed. So while I was really out of it Mom and my Sister planned it for Easter Weekend. Now I am very grateful for all that they did, but I don't know why it had to be Easter weekend with all the cute little children in cute little Easter outfits and full of sugar. They are mad that I wont go to church the morning before, even though I never go. anyway...)
My sister started berating me because I emailed people invites to Liam's service and I didnt send her one. It wasnt a nice card or anything, just a brief description of all that has happened and telling when and where his service will be. She's mad. She says she never feels like I want her invovled. See with she and my Mom you have to practically beg them to be involved in general things. But the thing is why would I have invited her?!? She and Mom are planning it! I am very grateful that they are, I don't know if I could do that right now. But, WHAT?
I just told her my heart was broked and that I miss Liam with all that I am, and she dismissed it and started talking about how I was leaving her out! SHES taken his service over. I want a simple pot luck at my house afterwards. They want to go out for a meal. I cant go out for a meal, I can hardly go out anywhere and that day I do not think I will feel up to it at all. So, at my house? Oh no we will rent something. Dont they understand how stressful they are! I just want it simple. I have asked for so few things...a song...and now they make me feel bad for something I request and because I didn't personnally invite her.
So then I say something like 'you've got to be kidding me" (she wasnt) and try to get off of the phone, so then I just hang up because she wont stop. I hate doing that it is so petty, but she wouldnt stop.
Now I am crying and driving the 15 more minutes to get Pandora. Joel is furous and worried about me. I just am shocked that she could...and that she did make it so much worse.
Im beat red when I pick up Pandora. Her test came back relitively ok. They think because of some thickening of her lining that she has an intestinal disorder and we need to get her the expensive food. But I havent gone back to work. In fact I cant go back to work there because that is where Laim got sick and I havent quit yet. So we have NO money. We didnt even have the money for her test to be run. But we love her and we will do everything for her. I just dont know how this is going to work out.
And above all I am mad. I am mad because all of this other stuff gets in my way in trying to think of the good things about Liam. There are lots of good things, he was beautiful. He taught me about my own body, he taught me that even though I was scared I could be a mother, he taught me to love on a whole new level. I did not realize how powerful mommy love could be. I want only the good memories, but I want more and there will never be more. I just wish he could swim back to me on all the tears i have cried for him.
Last night I gave in and took my sleeping med's. But for some reason I got really hyper. Sometimes the pills knock me out almost emediously other days.... So I started seeing things, and seeing double. Joel said it was really bad cause I was talking to things too. He said I was talking to the bathtub and thought we were going to a bathtub party...hosted by (of all people) Genghis Khan and his twin brother, and which version of the two Joel's I was seeing would like to go to the party with me. Thing is when Im on these meds I like it better than reality. I should change my dose but really I just dont want to talk with my Ob. I like her but they bring up such bad memories. I wish I could think of all the good ultrasounds and everytime we heard his heart beat...but mostly not.
Today.
My cat Pandora has been throwing up for over two weeks straight. We've taken her to the vet and gotten med's to try but nothing seemed to work. So today they did blood work and Xrays. I am terrified. I mean damn it cant one of us be healthy! Joel has a congenial heart issue, I have crohns and migraines, Liam got parvo...Why cant Pandora be ok. I started thinking maybe I'm cursed...
They call me and say everything looks realitivly normal but will you come in after our lunch break we want to talk with you. G, now Im releaved but worried there is something they dont want to tell me over the phone. So I go to Walmart to get her some special cat food and there are babies everywhere. EVERYWHERE! I turn one corner there is one so I go the other way. I went almost the entire store the wrong way because I couldnt get away from the sound of a child crying. Its horrible, a child's crys shouldnt bring me to tears. So I call Joel and tune in on him and try to ignore the world all around. Joel and I get off the phone while I check out and then I see it...a child in Liam's cute little stroller. green with little pocka dots. Its slightly different but mostly the same. I stared. I forced myself to walk out the door and to my car.
By this time my face is bright red but I am trying not to cry. I ahve to get Pandora and its snowing so I need to focus on the road. Im really trying not to cry.
Then my sister calls, and I think I could unleash some of my pain to her. I tell her how I m worried about Pandora, and about the beautiful heartwrinching babies. "oh" she says. I tell her about the matching stroller "well..." she says. And then she let it loose. (See we cound;t have Liam's service right after he was born like we planned because it snowed. So while I was really out of it Mom and my Sister planned it for Easter Weekend. Now I am very grateful for all that they did, but I don't know why it had to be Easter weekend with all the cute little children in cute little Easter outfits and full of sugar. They are mad that I wont go to church the morning before, even though I never go. anyway...)
My sister started berating me because I emailed people invites to Liam's service and I didnt send her one. It wasnt a nice card or anything, just a brief description of all that has happened and telling when and where his service will be. She's mad. She says she never feels like I want her invovled. See with she and my Mom you have to practically beg them to be involved in general things. But the thing is why would I have invited her?!? She and Mom are planning it! I am very grateful that they are, I don't know if I could do that right now. But, WHAT?
I just told her my heart was broked and that I miss Liam with all that I am, and she dismissed it and started talking about how I was leaving her out! SHES taken his service over. I want a simple pot luck at my house afterwards. They want to go out for a meal. I cant go out for a meal, I can hardly go out anywhere and that day I do not think I will feel up to it at all. So, at my house? Oh no we will rent something. Dont they understand how stressful they are! I just want it simple. I have asked for so few things...a song...and now they make me feel bad for something I request and because I didn't personnally invite her.
So then I say something like 'you've got to be kidding me" (she wasnt) and try to get off of the phone, so then I just hang up because she wont stop. I hate doing that it is so petty, but she wouldnt stop.
Now I am crying and driving the 15 more minutes to get Pandora. Joel is furous and worried about me. I just am shocked that she could...and that she did make it so much worse.
Im beat red when I pick up Pandora. Her test came back relitively ok. They think because of some thickening of her lining that she has an intestinal disorder and we need to get her the expensive food. But I havent gone back to work. In fact I cant go back to work there because that is where Laim got sick and I havent quit yet. So we have NO money. We didnt even have the money for her test to be run. But we love her and we will do everything for her. I just dont know how this is going to work out.
And above all I am mad. I am mad because all of this other stuff gets in my way in trying to think of the good things about Liam. There are lots of good things, he was beautiful. He taught me about my own body, he taught me that even though I was scared I could be a mother, he taught me to love on a whole new level. I did not realize how powerful mommy love could be. I want only the good memories, but I want more and there will never be more. I just wish he could swim back to me on all the tears i have cried for him.
Replies