MY BABY

Ariyah was born at 1.34 am on march 21st. 8.7 pounds!!! 19.25 inches long. big baby for how small i was. i had said in my last entry how i had cramps. a couple hours later they were 10 mins apart. we decided to go to dr. to see if i had dialated any more or made progress.  i hadnt but the dr. thought i might go in to full labor by monday. about 3 hours later i was 5 minsapart. went to hospital and i still wasnt dialated, they gave me an hour before they sent me home. in that hour i went from a 2cm to a 5-6 cm. it took 3 nurses to get my iv in! i was hurting so bad, and worried that they wouldnt get me done with the epidural before the baby came!!!  they did. whew. thanks for modern medicine, as much as my nature side says go natural. but that hurts. really hurts. and i think i went through enough, i deserve an easy delivery. basically my labor progressed quite fast, and she was out in no time. i only pushed for like 45 mins. and most of that was them explaining to me how to, i kept using my legs. ripped the hell out of me though, so im sore. but not that bad really. not like i would expect for what just happened. i already am hardly bleeding anymore. the main thing is my legs and feet are still SO incredibly swollen. My sisters, my mom, my step mom, and my dad were all in the delivery room with me. my sister filmed it. my dad held my legs, lol. you would think it would be akward, but he is a firefighter. everyone behaved for the most part, but i didnt care i was so loopy. i was worried at first when i first held my baby. that was the moment i had been waiting for, the moment where i was suposed to FEEL all these wonderful things, she looked in my eyes, and i felt nothing, i was upset. i didnt understand. but now i am so incredibly in love with her i feel like i will just explode. she is so strong!!!! she can push herself up and cross her arms to sleep on when she is on her stomach... thats EXACTLY how i sleep!!! and she ROLLS!!! 2 days old and she rolls. I have so many emotions. im scared someting will happen to her, its hard for me to put her down. i force myself too. i just want to cuddle her all the time. my family is so suportive right now, and they hold her just as much!  i will post pictures soon, once i can get to them. she is cute. at first i didnt think so. but she is. she has my nose. lol.  Here is something else too. I have a friend at work. He has a crush on me, i told him i just want to be friends and that i wont and am not looking for anything more. he has always been respectful. but this past month has helped me out TREMENDOUSLY. he moved all my stuff. and out of everyone, was there in the hospital MORE time than anyone else, even my family. and he is entirely in love with my daughter as well. im so emotional right now i keep thinking what if, but the problem with him is, call me shallow, but he is heavy. he has boobs. not enourmous, but he does. and it would bother me to be with him. not to mention i cant handle i right now, and he knows that, but he is so incredibly helpful. i feel bad, cause i cannot repay him, but i appreciate the help. i dont know. i guess its just seeing him with my baby made me think about how i wanted a family. the father was in town while she was born i found out. he was suposed to be out to sea but the boat came back for a couple days, and let everyone have liberty. even if he was one who didnt get out, he could have called, the least he could do, to see if she was born. so he could give me his damn blood for a fucking paternity test so i can get some help so i can stay home with my girl a bit. she is so amazing. i keep having moments of realization... wow. im a mom. she is really mine. i made her. just wow and unbelievable. i will write more later, im sure alot more, LOL i just got her to sleep so i need a nap. i wish i could sleep with her, im scared to!!! this nurse made the comment as i was laying with her in the hospital kinda dozing about people rolling on their babies and suffocating them... and it scared me, so now i have this image in my head... awful. i love her so much. makes me cry.