My addiction

I realize now that my addiction was making me push away those who were important to me.  I blamed her for it, and in turn, she is gone... and I'M the one who made her leave, no one to blame but myself... and now I realize i'm more dead inside than alive without her.  At the time i didn't think i really had a problem, i just liked porn, sex wasn't an issue, i thought it was normal almost... but then it became something else, and I began to watch it more, and my desires evolved and I needed more to turn me on... it snowballed and i started "using" in all sorts of ways... I've done some awful things behind her back, and I always felt like a piece of shit after... but then I'd find an excuse or blame someone for forcing me into a position where i "need" to use again... I was weak.  I AM weak.  I'm a disgusting terrible person who deserves to be alone... I'm a secret shame to anyone who knows me and ashamed to still be alive. I put on a smile and go about my day like everything is going to be fine, when I know its not.  I don't think I could kill myself... I've thought about it hard lately... and I don't think I could go through with it... but if I died for some reason, I'd be ok with that.I want to be a better person.  I want to stop looking at porn altogether.  Its been a couple of days now (not long, I know)....  I'm keeping a journal aside from this one, that ones personal... I try to "use" it instead of "use-ing"... I'm going to keep a log on here because I feel the more times I see myself moving forward, the easier it will become to continue on.