My aching heart...
This is my first online support group. I'm hoping to find some new sources of guidance, support and friendship. Here's my story... I am 27, recently married, and a workaholic (in school and occupation). I am an only child. My mother passed away on Monday, March 28, 2011 at 6:15pm. I was with her as she took her last breath. It was the most peaceful and beautiful experience I have ever witnessed in my life; however, it is still the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. It is still a daily struggle.
Honestly, I'm not a very emotional person; however, this experience has shown me that I am not made of stone. I cry every day. I think about her every day. I relive her last moments, days, weeks, months, and years in my head every day. Even though she's only been gone a short amount of time, I have found the intensity of my emotions has gotten somewhat better... then again, sometimes it will just hit me out of the blue like a ton of bricks. I miss her every day.
I've also been grieving the loss of my grandfather, my mother's father, who passed away on March 17, 2011... just a week before my mom died. I was also very close to him.
I don't even know where to begin with my back story... I'm going to try to condense as best as possible. My mom has been fully disabled for the past 9 years... since I was in high school. My dad has not been in her life since 1998. It has not been easy for her. She suffered from a multitude of comorbidities, such as epilepsy, hemiparesis, strokes (i.e. first stroke at the age of 8 and remained in a coma for 10 days), severe pulmonary hypertension, renal failure, cancer, etc. She put up a good fight for a very long time. My grandmother, her mother, has been her primary caretaker for these 9 years. I’ve dealt with a tremendous amount of guilt in my young adult life since I was unable to be my mom’s primary caretaker. I was involved as much as time allowed while I was in college, working full-time, and balancing my newlywed life. However, my mom’s health demanded more… I can’t tell you how many times she has been in and out of the hospital over the past decade… yet she always found a way to “bounce back”. Sadly, for the past year, she was either in a nursing home or in the critical care unit of the hospital. Despite all of this, my mom kept her spirits up… I truly envy that in her.
In late February, the end to her long, arduous battle started. Her ability to breath was complicated by her severe pulmonary hypertension. To make matters worse, she had developed a fungus in her throat, which completely constricted her airway.
I work at a medical center. Since my mom required more advanced care, she was transferred to one of the hospitals that I work out of in my job. At the time, I felt it was a blessing because I could still try to work and see her on my breaks, or I could be at her side in a matter of minutes in the event of an emergency. Well I didn’t realize at that time how hard it was going to be…
On March 10th… one of the scariest moments I’ve ever experienced happened. The day started off with getting a call from my grandmother informing me that my grandfather had to be rushed to the hospital. It was thought that he had become septic and would not make it through the night. I was already at the hospital with my mom, and my grandpa was at another hospital about 30 minutes away. I wanted to see him… it was the last time I saw him alive. I will truly cherish that moment, as well as our past together. He was such a wonderful man.
Later that night, after I had gotten back from seeing my grandpa… around 12:30am, a code Blue had to be called for her. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Thankfully, my husband and in-laws were with me when this happened. Afterwards, they told me I was literally crawling on the walls as I waited for news from the doctors. I was absolutely inconsolable. I remember thinking… I will never be able to tell her I’m sorry for anything… I will never be able to talk to her again… I will never be able to tell her I love you again… I will never be able to say goodbye…
Many attempts were made to intubate her, yet they were unsuccessful. Since she was so unstable, I was approached by the doctors to make some life-altering decisions for her. She needed to be taken to emergency surgery to alleviate the obstructed airway. The doctor told me she would need a tracheostomy. Still, there was still a good chance that she wouldn’t make it through. I will just say… that was one of the longest nights of my life.
Thankfully, my mom made it through and actually recovered quickly from anesthesia. She was able to start communicating with head gestures later that morning. I remember feeling a huge relief… she was still here. That night truly renewed my spiritual faith… I honestly feel that God gave us that time to say goodbye… and I’m so grateful. I will never forget those last days/weeks we had together.
Even though we were given more time together, it was still so difficult on my mom. She fell into a deep depression primarily due to the fact that she was unable to talk with the tracheostomy. She was also started on dialysis, along with many other life-supporting interventions. She knew things did not look good for her. She knew it would probably be a longer and harder battle to fight. She communicated to me repeatedly via notes that she wanted to go to heaven. She was tired of fighting…
In the middle of all this turmoil, I was not getting along with my family. We had many disagreements about my mother’s care. I was thought as being too “clinical”, since I work in healthcare. Honestly, I was trying to be realistic because I knew the outcome would not be good. Unfortunately, I was not her power of attorney, but next of kin. I was concerned that more intervention would be carried out when my mom did not want that for herself. As I watched my mom’s health progressively deteriorate, I decided to request for a palliative care consult. I did not want her to suffer.
On March 28th, something was different. She had had a rough night. She was under a tremendous amount of respiratory distress, and sadly, she had become septic. Her whole body was extremely swollen. Her eyes were swollen shut too. It was so painful to see her like that. However, when I went over to talk to her, she smiled for me, as well as for some of her doctors. When we were alone, I asked her to look me in the eyes. Then I said to her, “Mom, when you are ready to go… go.” She nodded her head and smiled. Afterwards, the doctors called for a family consult about my mother’s condition. All I will say… it was the most uncomfortable setting I have ever been in… due to the fact there was so much hostility between us. However, we all agreed to make her comfortable and not continue aggressive measures. Afterwards, we were informed by the doctors that my mom’s status was taking a drastic turn. Her vitals were dropping dramatically. Her blood pressure was around 50/30. It almost looked flat line on the monitor. I knew that was it… she was not going to be with us for long. I laid on the side of her bed with her… holding her hand and trying to cradle her. She looked so uncomfortable… her extremities were so swollen that I thought her skin would start tearing. My husband, grandmother, and I hardly left her bedside that day. Around 5pm, her vitals started to drop even more… even with 3 pressors being infused into her. I continuously watched the monitor. I couldn’t look away. Then around 6:15pm, I noticed something was not right. Immediately, I felt compelled to go up to her face and start talking… I said to her, “You have made my life so wonderful.” Then, suddenly, she opened her eyes and looked right at me. I continued by telling her how much I loved her and how I would miss her. As I said this to her, I saw her eyes slowly change… then her vitals started plummeting… before I knew it, she was flat line. I knew she had just left for heaven. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed in my life. Immediately, I asked my grandmother if she wanted to say her last words. After the nurses turned off the monitors, my grandmother turned to me and said, “I’m so sorry for everything”. Then, I immediately felt at peace with her and my family.
After the nurses cleaned off my mom, all of us got to say good-bye to my mom. When it was my turn, I crawled into her bed with her, hugged her tightly, and could not stop crying. My husband then walked in, and then he started crying. It took a long time for me to say good-bye to her body because I knew that would be the last time I would see her. However, I was so happy for her because she was finally at peace from such a long and hard battle.
It’s been really tough trying to get back to life’s routine. I took work leave for 2 months. I knew I couldn’t go back to work right away, especially since my mom died at one of the hospitals I work out of on a weekly basis. Not sure how helpful it was emotionally for me. It’s still a daily struggle to go to work. I run into people constantly that either took care of my mom and co-workers that didn’t know what had happened. It feels like I have to relive the pain daily… since I have to explain her story.
Routinely, I do see a professional to help me deal with my depression and grieving. Not sure if it has helped a lot, but I’m trying.
I try talking with friends; however, it’s hard since most of them have not lost a parent yet. It’s hard to talk to family because it’s too emotional.
In July, my family and I are hosting a memorial service in honor of my mom and grandpa. I’ve produced a video tribute for my mom. It turned out beautifully. However, I am slotted to speak on her behalf, as well as introduce my video. I’m so nervous. It’s so difficult to try to compose her eulogy. I don’t know where to begin or end. All I do know is… I miss her terribly every day. Will it ever get any easier???
Honestly, I'm not a very emotional person; however, this experience has shown me that I am not made of stone. I cry every day. I think about her every day. I relive her last moments, days, weeks, months, and years in my head every day. Even though she's only been gone a short amount of time, I have found the intensity of my emotions has gotten somewhat better... then again, sometimes it will just hit me out of the blue like a ton of bricks. I miss her every day.
I've also been grieving the loss of my grandfather, my mother's father, who passed away on March 17, 2011... just a week before my mom died. I was also very close to him.
I don't even know where to begin with my back story... I'm going to try to condense as best as possible. My mom has been fully disabled for the past 9 years... since I was in high school. My dad has not been in her life since 1998. It has not been easy for her. She suffered from a multitude of comorbidities, such as epilepsy, hemiparesis, strokes (i.e. first stroke at the age of 8 and remained in a coma for 10 days), severe pulmonary hypertension, renal failure, cancer, etc. She put up a good fight for a very long time. My grandmother, her mother, has been her primary caretaker for these 9 years. I’ve dealt with a tremendous amount of guilt in my young adult life since I was unable to be my mom’s primary caretaker. I was involved as much as time allowed while I was in college, working full-time, and balancing my newlywed life. However, my mom’s health demanded more… I can’t tell you how many times she has been in and out of the hospital over the past decade… yet she always found a way to “bounce back”. Sadly, for the past year, she was either in a nursing home or in the critical care unit of the hospital. Despite all of this, my mom kept her spirits up… I truly envy that in her.
In late February, the end to her long, arduous battle started. Her ability to breath was complicated by her severe pulmonary hypertension. To make matters worse, she had developed a fungus in her throat, which completely constricted her airway.
I work at a medical center. Since my mom required more advanced care, she was transferred to one of the hospitals that I work out of in my job. At the time, I felt it was a blessing because I could still try to work and see her on my breaks, or I could be at her side in a matter of minutes in the event of an emergency. Well I didn’t realize at that time how hard it was going to be…
On March 10th… one of the scariest moments I’ve ever experienced happened. The day started off with getting a call from my grandmother informing me that my grandfather had to be rushed to the hospital. It was thought that he had become septic and would not make it through the night. I was already at the hospital with my mom, and my grandpa was at another hospital about 30 minutes away. I wanted to see him… it was the last time I saw him alive. I will truly cherish that moment, as well as our past together. He was such a wonderful man.
Later that night, after I had gotten back from seeing my grandpa… around 12:30am, a code Blue had to be called for her. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Thankfully, my husband and in-laws were with me when this happened. Afterwards, they told me I was literally crawling on the walls as I waited for news from the doctors. I was absolutely inconsolable. I remember thinking… I will never be able to tell her I’m sorry for anything… I will never be able to talk to her again… I will never be able to tell her I love you again… I will never be able to say goodbye…
Many attempts were made to intubate her, yet they were unsuccessful. Since she was so unstable, I was approached by the doctors to make some life-altering decisions for her. She needed to be taken to emergency surgery to alleviate the obstructed airway. The doctor told me she would need a tracheostomy. Still, there was still a good chance that she wouldn’t make it through. I will just say… that was one of the longest nights of my life.
Thankfully, my mom made it through and actually recovered quickly from anesthesia. She was able to start communicating with head gestures later that morning. I remember feeling a huge relief… she was still here. That night truly renewed my spiritual faith… I honestly feel that God gave us that time to say goodbye… and I’m so grateful. I will never forget those last days/weeks we had together.
Even though we were given more time together, it was still so difficult on my mom. She fell into a deep depression primarily due to the fact that she was unable to talk with the tracheostomy. She was also started on dialysis, along with many other life-supporting interventions. She knew things did not look good for her. She knew it would probably be a longer and harder battle to fight. She communicated to me repeatedly via notes that she wanted to go to heaven. She was tired of fighting…
In the middle of all this turmoil, I was not getting along with my family. We had many disagreements about my mother’s care. I was thought as being too “clinical”, since I work in healthcare. Honestly, I was trying to be realistic because I knew the outcome would not be good. Unfortunately, I was not her power of attorney, but next of kin. I was concerned that more intervention would be carried out when my mom did not want that for herself. As I watched my mom’s health progressively deteriorate, I decided to request for a palliative care consult. I did not want her to suffer.
On March 28th, something was different. She had had a rough night. She was under a tremendous amount of respiratory distress, and sadly, she had become septic. Her whole body was extremely swollen. Her eyes were swollen shut too. It was so painful to see her like that. However, when I went over to talk to her, she smiled for me, as well as for some of her doctors. When we were alone, I asked her to look me in the eyes. Then I said to her, “Mom, when you are ready to go… go.” She nodded her head and smiled. Afterwards, the doctors called for a family consult about my mother’s condition. All I will say… it was the most uncomfortable setting I have ever been in… due to the fact there was so much hostility between us. However, we all agreed to make her comfortable and not continue aggressive measures. Afterwards, we were informed by the doctors that my mom’s status was taking a drastic turn. Her vitals were dropping dramatically. Her blood pressure was around 50/30. It almost looked flat line on the monitor. I knew that was it… she was not going to be with us for long. I laid on the side of her bed with her… holding her hand and trying to cradle her. She looked so uncomfortable… her extremities were so swollen that I thought her skin would start tearing. My husband, grandmother, and I hardly left her bedside that day. Around 5pm, her vitals started to drop even more… even with 3 pressors being infused into her. I continuously watched the monitor. I couldn’t look away. Then around 6:15pm, I noticed something was not right. Immediately, I felt compelled to go up to her face and start talking… I said to her, “You have made my life so wonderful.” Then, suddenly, she opened her eyes and looked right at me. I continued by telling her how much I loved her and how I would miss her. As I said this to her, I saw her eyes slowly change… then her vitals started plummeting… before I knew it, she was flat line. I knew she had just left for heaven. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed in my life. Immediately, I asked my grandmother if she wanted to say her last words. After the nurses turned off the monitors, my grandmother turned to me and said, “I’m so sorry for everything”. Then, I immediately felt at peace with her and my family.
After the nurses cleaned off my mom, all of us got to say good-bye to my mom. When it was my turn, I crawled into her bed with her, hugged her tightly, and could not stop crying. My husband then walked in, and then he started crying. It took a long time for me to say good-bye to her body because I knew that would be the last time I would see her. However, I was so happy for her because she was finally at peace from such a long and hard battle.
It’s been really tough trying to get back to life’s routine. I took work leave for 2 months. I knew I couldn’t go back to work right away, especially since my mom died at one of the hospitals I work out of on a weekly basis. Not sure how helpful it was emotionally for me. It’s still a daily struggle to go to work. I run into people constantly that either took care of my mom and co-workers that didn’t know what had happened. It feels like I have to relive the pain daily… since I have to explain her story.
Routinely, I do see a professional to help me deal with my depression and grieving. Not sure if it has helped a lot, but I’m trying.
I try talking with friends; however, it’s hard since most of them have not lost a parent yet. It’s hard to talk to family because it’s too emotional.
In July, my family and I are hosting a memorial service in honor of my mom and grandpa. I’ve produced a video tribute for my mom. It turned out beautifully. However, I am slotted to speak on her behalf, as well as introduce my video. I’m so nervous. It’s so difficult to try to compose her eulogy. I don’t know where to begin or end. All I do know is… I miss her terribly every day. Will it ever get any easier???
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