My 33rd birthday
So today is my 33rd birthday.... Another year passing me by, not really accomplishing anything at all besides being alive and trying to be a good mother. Thats all I have left in me, to survive. He knows I am fed up and tired of him, but thinks I will never leave him. How do you think you have a good marriage when there is no sex, no touching, no real interaction, no feelings exchanged except for I love you and a kiss in the moring and I love you and a kiss before bed. How does he think this is normal? He knows the sex thing is messed up but I dont want to fight with him anymore so I just tell him I just don't feel like it and I dont know why. He doesn't want to here that I don't love him or can't stand him to be near him or that his voice makes me ill to listen to constantly. Because he always has to be the one talking, talking, talking, about his business and our future and what a good life we will have once his business takes off. Sure he will ask about me and how my day has been but he doesn't care he just wants to get it out of the way so he can ramble on and on about him. After a while I do get fed up and just say calmly, do you ever just be quiet? Sometimes he takes the hint. I don't need to talk to you all the time, I dont need to hear about every second of your day, I can barely tune myself in for the highlights.
This needs to end, I can not take another year of this its been 15 already, Ive wasted nearly half my life with him, just surviving. Sure there were happy times and even now sometimes I can laugh with him but its the bad times that overshadow everything. Constantly being nagged about what I havent done around the house, his outbursts of anger about stupid petty stuff, being too sturn with our only 9 year old son, not letting him make noise, hes a kid for god's sake, thats what they do. There are so many different things that he does that just irritate the living shit out of me but of course right now he's stuck on nice and I just don't care. Be as nice as you want its not going to erase the years of mental torture you have put me through trying to run through hoops just to make you happy. I deserve to be happy and i know that. Why am I so stuck, I just wish I could run and not care what he thinks or how its going to effect him, another big worry is my son, i know he will get through it but he's already so anxiety high, he needs out too, he just doesn't understand it, as well he shouldn't he's 9.
No kid should have to walk on eggshells, they should be happy and carefree and have fun, not have to worry about what there dad will do if he makes too much noise, or makes a mess or thumps around in the house too much. So why can't I do this, I hate this, I feel like such a failure, and I know it isn't my fault, I know he has done this to me and this is not who I really am, why can't I stand up to this man and say you know what, screw you, I'm outta here, I dont owe him anything but I feels so brainwashed and in a fog that I feel liek Im in quicksand, slowly drowning, I feel like I'm dying. I can't function anymore with him around, I just want to lay down and never get back up.
I know everything about emotional abuse, I know everything that I'm going through is normal, I have sought help with women's shelters and counselors and yet I am still here miserable, day after day, and so tired of listening to myself whining about my life when I choose not to do anything about it. I can't take it anymore, I'm 33 and I feel like I'm 80, this is not a life...
This needs to end, I can not take another year of this its been 15 already, Ive wasted nearly half my life with him, just surviving. Sure there were happy times and even now sometimes I can laugh with him but its the bad times that overshadow everything. Constantly being nagged about what I havent done around the house, his outbursts of anger about stupid petty stuff, being too sturn with our only 9 year old son, not letting him make noise, hes a kid for god's sake, thats what they do. There are so many different things that he does that just irritate the living shit out of me but of course right now he's stuck on nice and I just don't care. Be as nice as you want its not going to erase the years of mental torture you have put me through trying to run through hoops just to make you happy. I deserve to be happy and i know that. Why am I so stuck, I just wish I could run and not care what he thinks or how its going to effect him, another big worry is my son, i know he will get through it but he's already so anxiety high, he needs out too, he just doesn't understand it, as well he shouldn't he's 9.
No kid should have to walk on eggshells, they should be happy and carefree and have fun, not have to worry about what there dad will do if he makes too much noise, or makes a mess or thumps around in the house too much. So why can't I do this, I hate this, I feel like such a failure, and I know it isn't my fault, I know he has done this to me and this is not who I really am, why can't I stand up to this man and say you know what, screw you, I'm outta here, I dont owe him anything but I feels so brainwashed and in a fog that I feel liek Im in quicksand, slowly drowning, I feel like I'm dying. I can't function anymore with him around, I just want to lay down and never get back up.
I know everything about emotional abuse, I know everything that I'm going through is normal, I have sought help with women's shelters and counselors and yet I am still here miserable, day after day, and so tired of listening to myself whining about my life when I choose not to do anything about it. I can't take it anymore, I'm 33 and I feel like I'm 80, this is not a life...
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