My 2nd son

Today is my second son's 2nd birthday.  I think of being pregnant with him and just happy that I didn't have another miscarriage, that I was able to carry him to term and have a healthy child.  He spent a week in the NICU after aspirating meconium and developing a pneumonia....do you know how hard it is to leave the hospital without your infant.  I look back and think to myself....if only I had know my husband was unhappy in our marriage then, and this is sad to say, I would have never had this beautiful child.  I do believe that having him put an extra strain on something that he felt was a losing battle.  I just wished he would have let me know.  I look at my son Nathan and think to myself...what kind of mother am I to wondering about not having him in order to save my marriage.  That is sad...I am sad.  He is innocent in all this and I thought we brought him into this world because we both wanted and talked about a second child knowing it wouldn't be an easy road.  I would have to endure testing weekly, ultrasounds weekly, etc.  Why couldn't he just tell me he wasn't happy then?  Why?  Today is my son's birthday and all I could do is look at both of them and cry in my room for what I cannot do for them, what I cannot provide for them, how I will miss them when the time comes, how I birthed them and the joy of holding them for the first time.  Today is my son's birthday and I want the very best for him....I don't think that will come as a whole famly and that is what I grieve.  I feel guilty and horrible for thinking these things, and as a mom, feel like I should not feel this way.  Today is my son's birthday....I hope in his little 2 year old heart that he is happy.