My 1st Mother's Day and other going ons...
So yesterday was my first mother's day as a mother. I hate that he wasn't here to make me breakfast in bed on behalf of our little one but there will be more mother's days. He's only missing two.
All of his brothers were home and his mom had the morning off so when he called I talked to him about 2 minutes then passed the phone around. I told him to call me again later that day. We've been rationing our phone time so we should have plenty of minutes left.
I still haven't heard from him. He's not the type to just not call so I don't know if that means we were wrong and used up all our time (his months start on the 16th) or if they are on lockdown for some reason, or if the phones are messed up, or something's happened to him. Which I doubt but still, it's scary. And of course my mind goes to the worst case scenario. And I guess I could call, but the only other times I've tried calling the place, no one answers. Ever.
I hate that I gave the phone to his family. I'm jealous of his time and I know they love and support him so they should get to talk to him sometimes, I wish it hadn't been on my first Mother's Day.
The past two nights I've had awful dreams. The first involved him being home but us being distant. I even said words to him when he did something minuscule that I would never say in real life. I got angry, cursed at him, and he did nothing. Let me storm off and continued hanging out with his friends. Last nights dream, we were on a vacation but we weren't really hanging out together. We were in the same area but no where really close to each other. Then some girl flirted with him and he flirted back. I got angry and almost fought the girl. Then we continued on the sightseeing no where close to each other.
And I know that's what I'm most afraid of. When we are finally reunited are we both going to be so different, so changed that we just won't work? That we won't be able to be our normal selves with each other. I know I have to work on letting go of the little bit of anger that is hanging on. I don't let him know that I still resent him for putting me in this situation sometimes. Most days I've completely forgiven, I look back on the situation as just an event that happened, nothing more. But then there are those few days where I look back and cry. Where I think that there must have been something I could have done differently and this wouldn't have happened.
What helps me get past these moments of moroseness is talking to him. I hear his voice and I'm ok. So of course I fall into the sadness and for some reason, he can't call me.
Also on a lighter note, if you're an OKC Thunder fan, I apologize. I turned on the game when they were 15 points ahead and then they end up losing. It happens every time I watch a game. I just can't. When I do the team I like loses. So I promise to never watch another playoff game. If you're a clippers fan, you are welcome.
All of his brothers were home and his mom had the morning off so when he called I talked to him about 2 minutes then passed the phone around. I told him to call me again later that day. We've been rationing our phone time so we should have plenty of minutes left.
I still haven't heard from him. He's not the type to just not call so I don't know if that means we were wrong and used up all our time (his months start on the 16th) or if they are on lockdown for some reason, or if the phones are messed up, or something's happened to him. Which I doubt but still, it's scary. And of course my mind goes to the worst case scenario. And I guess I could call, but the only other times I've tried calling the place, no one answers. Ever.
I hate that I gave the phone to his family. I'm jealous of his time and I know they love and support him so they should get to talk to him sometimes, I wish it hadn't been on my first Mother's Day.
The past two nights I've had awful dreams. The first involved him being home but us being distant. I even said words to him when he did something minuscule that I would never say in real life. I got angry, cursed at him, and he did nothing. Let me storm off and continued hanging out with his friends. Last nights dream, we were on a vacation but we weren't really hanging out together. We were in the same area but no where really close to each other. Then some girl flirted with him and he flirted back. I got angry and almost fought the girl. Then we continued on the sightseeing no where close to each other.
And I know that's what I'm most afraid of. When we are finally reunited are we both going to be so different, so changed that we just won't work? That we won't be able to be our normal selves with each other. I know I have to work on letting go of the little bit of anger that is hanging on. I don't let him know that I still resent him for putting me in this situation sometimes. Most days I've completely forgiven, I look back on the situation as just an event that happened, nothing more. But then there are those few days where I look back and cry. Where I think that there must have been something I could have done differently and this wouldn't have happened.
What helps me get past these moments of moroseness is talking to him. I hear his voice and I'm ok. So of course I fall into the sadness and for some reason, he can't call me.
Also on a lighter note, if you're an OKC Thunder fan, I apologize. I turned on the game when they were 15 points ahead and then they end up losing. It happens every time I watch a game. I just can't. When I do the team I like loses. So I promise to never watch another playoff game. If you're a clippers fan, you are welcome.
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