Must be because holiday season starting up..???
Wow...life is going pretty well actually but been feeling down this weekend. I gotta figure it's all the holiday commercials have seemed to have started and Halloween is this Friday. We always made that a family event, I knew the holidays were gonna be tough 8 months ago and here they are lol. This gal I met is really nice, she's a hard worker and owns her own house. She lives an hour away which has actually worked out ok. I'm not ready for a full blown 100% relationship anyways. She called me last night with some plans to meet Saturday for dinner and I told her that sounds great. But like an idiot I'm still feeling a little down over some broad who walked out on me and my daughter. Dwelling on it makes it so much worse and I have the tools to move forward but maybe 8 months is still not enough to place that period at the end of the sentence..ugh. "The windshield is larger than the rearview mirror".. that's a great statement I read earlier today on a DS board. I have to remember that. Anyway my daughter is kicking me in the ass, she's gone to get pumpkins with her boyfriend and is insisting on my participation, she's been really helpful through all this. She has concluded who the sane parent is and who's the one who has derailed...she doesn't really want to deal with her mom anymore and the sad part is I don't think her mother gives a shit, it's all about her now and HER happiness..i guess that's pretty common thinking for cheaters, or so I've read. Anyways hope you all are geared up emotionally for the holiday season. Thanks to all who have helped me on here, I hope you realize in a lot of ways you saved my life. Thanks for that :)
Replies
Hey Coop, don\'t beat yourself up for being human mate. We are 100 percent emotional creatures whether we like to acknowledge that fact or not, and so there will be triggers (actually, the parlance is anchors, in this case, negative anchors) which will fire off bad feelings. We are often not aware of what the cause is because they come from the subconscious - we just feel the effect! Great news about your new lady friend, I am so pleased for you. Your daughter sounds like a real treasure and smart, she is a credit to you. We don\'t celebrate Halloween really in Australia, but I do wish you a wonderful holiday. Remember, stay focused on what is important - the future, and the happiness of yourself and your daughter, and getting on with your lives buddy. The past is just that - the past, can\'t be changed, but can always be used as a learning experience, however painful. Now you, get at them pumpkins!!!!:)
Don\'t rush into anything too soon. If you\'re not ready, you\'re not ready. Take things slow. Start out as friends. I wish I would have done that with this last \"relationship\". I could have saved myself a lot of pain. I\'ve always gone at least a year between relationships. I know the holidays are going to suck. At least you have your daughter and she\'s trying to involve you in things probably because she sees how much you\'re hurting. How did you meet this woman? Dating site? I want to meet people but I suck at it. I\'m introverted and I\'d rather meet introverted people like myself. The problem with us is that we never go out into the world and I don\'t want to use dating sites anymore due to countless wackos and bad experiences. So I don\'t know what that leaves me...
Thanks agent and Grant. Great advice as always. Yeah one lonely night I signed up on a dating site and she contacted me first. We emailed for a bit (like 2-3 weeks) then decided to meet up, went really well. We ended up closing the restaurant and then went out for coffee. Probably too long for a first date but it went really fast so that\'s a good sign. We talked on the phone last night and before I realized it 1 1/2 hours had passed so that\'s good. I like her and it\'s nice to talk to someone who actually likes to talk to me, like I\'ve said the last several years of my marriage were mostly in passing. We did still have some nice times but not like husband/wife really. It was definitely done. I guess I\'m sad we let that die, didn\'t fight for it. 24 years, but I would do it again, there were way too many good years to simply forget. But she moved on and moved out so all I can do is move on too. It was beyond bizarre kissing someone different after that though haha, made my head spin a bit. I never cheated or anything so it\'s wayyyyy new. But I\'m not rushing anything, takin it slow, haven\'t seen her for several weeks and that works so far. Not sure if she\'s gonna feel the same way but so far it\'s pretty good, and that is light years ahead of where I was several months ago. I can actually sleep some and go hours and hours without thinking about my ex, but when she creeps back in it\'s still a bit raw. Thanks for the advice I definitely hear that like a sonic boom. I am concerned a bit about misleading her, I know I\'m gonna have to make a decision, I certainly owe her that much. Just gonna take it slow for now and go from there.
It takes so long and when we are doing great..BAM..up comes some more grief work to get through.I want the fast forward button so that we can move right to the HEALED. part. I can\'t wait to say \"I\'m SOOO over him\". I loved that saying \"The windshield is larger than the rear view mirror\" ..that changed the way I thought today! We just have to keep focusing on the now and ourselves and all the good we\'ve done to our own development these last few months. Think about how far you\'ve come in those 8 months ..and the changes you\'ve made to yourself. Bravo!
I was thinking the same thing recently..you and others on here have become like an internet family to me in some ways. The support is incredible and I don\'t know if I would have gotten through these last 4 months as well as I have if I didn\'t join.
With the memories and holidays..the only way to make new memories and not be affected by the old ones anymore is to just face the sadness. Walk through the pain and make new traditions. Do something that is new and just for you and your daughter. That biking in the park with my daughter was easily one of my favorite moments and I was surrounded by things my ex and I used to do.
HUGS!!! Coop you are awesome!
Can I ask your advice on something? What do you talk about when you talk with her? I don\'t know what to talk about with new people because my whole life has literally just been one trauma after another. I don\'t have \"normal\" things to talk about so I don\'t even know what to say. I\'m a very open person and don\'t mind talking about what I\'ve been through but I don\'t think normal people can even handle hearing it. People don\'t want to believe such things are even possible, let alone hear about them.
Hy Kbboop, I don\'t have much to say. Just read your message and wanted you to know I was hearing what you said and feeling an understanding of what you are experiencing to some degree. I am not sure about the holidays, but like Panther said I am thinking about starting new traditions and hoping that my love of my daughter will get me through this and hopefully life will head in the right direction. By the way I love that statement about the windshield and the rearview mirror. Perfect visual. Best wishes!
Panther - that rear view mirror statement really rang true to me today too. I let that sink in for a few minutes. What a visual huh? Sometimes a little saying like that is a hammer to the brain.
Agent- this was my first first date in 24 years haha. Talk about nerve wracking, I almost cancelled but figured I need to try this. Before hand I made a list of topics that we had emailed about to make sure there wasn\'t an uncomfortable lag, but more importantly I listened to her. Really listened and paid attention. Before I knew it the list was kind of in my mind but the conversation flowed. When the place closed she was the one who said \"but i want to talk more\" so we decided on coffee elsewhere. I learned in my breakup I didn\'t do that enough but after 24 years I think maybe we unfortunately ran out of stuff to say once the kids were grown. That\'s on both of us. So anyway I ended up asking her questions about her life, her work, her experiences etc. and paid attention. It worked really well.
Ca
Cab- the new experiences is a great idea..and im gonna have to make the effort to get that done. Even my daughter said \"maybe we can laugh these holidays\" she knows it\'s not been the greatest the last few years. I\'m not going to let her down on that.
Thanks to everyone again, you guys are priceless.
That sounds really good. I\'ve had dates like that where we just talked forever. I feel like I usually have to do most of the talking though and the guys don\'t know how to hold a conversation or keep it going so it just dies if I don\'t keep up the effort to keep it going. That gets annoying.
Yeah I could see that. Well that\'s what first dates are about lol. If it ain\'t clicking then it ain\'t. Eventually you\'ll find someone who can talk and listen, then it starts getting interesting right? Patience :)
Hey, Coop. I have been feeling the same way concerning the holidays. My boys have been acting like business as usual and it doesn\'t bother them that one part of our family is no longer here to celebrate this time of the year. I sometimes wish I had their perspective.
It\'s great that you have found a friend and as many have said, just take it slow. If you\'re not ready, then you are not ready. It will come. For now, enjoy the friendship and have fun. You deserve it. Stay strong.
I think it\'s good we\'re all gearing up for the holidays, so they don\'t take us off guard. I didn\'t want anything to do with them this year, but I do have kids and they are into it so I am too. Halloween is my favorite holiday and it was my mom\'s too, so I am missing her a bit as well as my ex. It\'s been a hard year for me, I for one will be glad when it\'s over.