Musings of a Survivor
It's been six months since my last spinal surgery, a year and almost 3 months since my spinal fusion. I wanted to muse a bit on my recovery here. As an aside, I had a doctor's appointment as most of you know, a month ago. So far, no word on approval from my insurance. This usually takes only 2 weeks to come in, no matter what the referral. I am tempted to let this slide as I have no upcoming appointments with my neurosurgeon on the calendar. I was to return in November for a progress report on my recovery. I will worry about that in October. I am thinking that someone dropped the ball on this referral but will give them the benefit of the doubt and wait until July, then call to find out what happened if I haven't heard anything by then. This test is the last thing I want financially or physically.
I have been honest here, just not as open as I should perhaps have been. I wanted to protect newly diagnosed patients with DDD from the reality of this disease. Why? I don't really know. Maybe it was to protect myself from seeing it in print. I will state firmly and with purpose that I am not a doctor, just a patient whose specific issues with DDD are mine alone, not yours or the so-called normal. Please listen to your doctor, ask questions and trust the spine health sites online. Do not read anything into your condition through my musings on my experience. It will only cause you stress and concern. That being said...on with the show.
I am still in daily pain and manage it well most days. Per my previous posts, those who read them know I am on Gabapentin and my doctor doubled my dosage to relieve nerve pain. I am waiting on a nerve conduction test to find out if any nerves are compromised in my spine but have not yet had the test, nor do I know the specific order from my doctor as to which parts of my spine he suspects is giving me trouble. I don't take my "big boys", what I call prescribed pain medications. I am living gluten free these days in the hopes of healthy liver, kidney, gallbladder and bowel function later in life. This is also why I no longer take even one pain pill as it affects all of it. My emotions are under better control. I pray, spend a lot of time in the Bible and when in pain I lay down to talk to the Lord as He comforts me in my suffering. Sometimes, though rarely now, it is suffering. There is no other word to explain it. I am no longer feeling lonely or as angry over my condition as I once did. I have learned to live in solitude most days, having no desire to be in group settings or as social as I once was. I will be attending my BSF group in the fall. This was giving me heart palpatations, ha ha. I had to relinquish my concerns, trusting God to give me peace over the decision. My worries? being bumped by someone in the crowded foyer , having to sit side by side with anyone as the nerve damage to my left leg didn't heal in the nine months it usually takes and I can't stand to be touched along that outside thigh by anything; having to share my life, experiences, hopes and dreams with others without breaking down sobbing at the losses I've experienced these last several years; having to talk with strangers ; managing my things like my purse, Bible, notepad, etc when I will have a weight limit forever and my hands are starting to give me problems now...dropping things, nerve pain shooting into fingers, pain in thumbs and carpal area despite having the surgery to fix the issue( note, am setting up my kindle now for most of this); and meeting the old gang who stopped visiting, calling, or talking to me after the first spinal surgery. See? That's enough to drive anyone nuts. Me? I had to let it go and trust that God will be there with me as He has been so far. I am not going to be anything but who I am now. He says I'm pretty fabulous. I just want to study the Life of Moses again, with fresh eyes and expectations. What others are there for is up to them. See...I'm human, with human feeling...most of which have been crushed and stomped on, then abandoned. Yes, my feelings were hurt and I have had to deal with this. How? by forgiving them. Why? because forgiveness isn't for them, it's for me. It is freeing. I have gone through several traumatic situations in my life, a couple were life threatening and I may still be in danger of harm from one or more persons. How does one live like this? By trusting God will keep me safe and His will become more important than mine. I remember the times He saved me. I trust He will do so now as I go through the rest of my life with DDD. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. No doctor, however trained or skilled can in principle give you any guarantees. I have an excellent doctor and he won't, can't, give me any idea what will occur with my spine. Even the latest research has no real answers. They all talk in circles and it can be so confusing. I no longer check into any new research on DDD. If I'm diagnosed with yet another spinal condition( up to 4 now), then I'll google it and get over it. I am a survivor now...of many things but primarily it's up to me to live as one, not be defeated by my condition. Ask yourself one question: Who are you, your condition or ___________?fill in the blanks.
I will live as Darlene, an ongoing survivor of Degenerative Disc Disease, no matter where the journey takes me. I hope you friends...you know who you are...will be with me for the trip.
I have been honest here, just not as open as I should perhaps have been. I wanted to protect newly diagnosed patients with DDD from the reality of this disease. Why? I don't really know. Maybe it was to protect myself from seeing it in print. I will state firmly and with purpose that I am not a doctor, just a patient whose specific issues with DDD are mine alone, not yours or the so-called normal. Please listen to your doctor, ask questions and trust the spine health sites online. Do not read anything into your condition through my musings on my experience. It will only cause you stress and concern. That being said...on with the show.
I am still in daily pain and manage it well most days. Per my previous posts, those who read them know I am on Gabapentin and my doctor doubled my dosage to relieve nerve pain. I am waiting on a nerve conduction test to find out if any nerves are compromised in my spine but have not yet had the test, nor do I know the specific order from my doctor as to which parts of my spine he suspects is giving me trouble. I don't take my "big boys", what I call prescribed pain medications. I am living gluten free these days in the hopes of healthy liver, kidney, gallbladder and bowel function later in life. This is also why I no longer take even one pain pill as it affects all of it. My emotions are under better control. I pray, spend a lot of time in the Bible and when in pain I lay down to talk to the Lord as He comforts me in my suffering. Sometimes, though rarely now, it is suffering. There is no other word to explain it. I am no longer feeling lonely or as angry over my condition as I once did. I have learned to live in solitude most days, having no desire to be in group settings or as social as I once was. I will be attending my BSF group in the fall. This was giving me heart palpatations, ha ha. I had to relinquish my concerns, trusting God to give me peace over the decision. My worries? being bumped by someone in the crowded foyer , having to sit side by side with anyone as the nerve damage to my left leg didn't heal in the nine months it usually takes and I can't stand to be touched along that outside thigh by anything; having to share my life, experiences, hopes and dreams with others without breaking down sobbing at the losses I've experienced these last several years; having to talk with strangers ; managing my things like my purse, Bible, notepad, etc when I will have a weight limit forever and my hands are starting to give me problems now...dropping things, nerve pain shooting into fingers, pain in thumbs and carpal area despite having the surgery to fix the issue( note, am setting up my kindle now for most of this); and meeting the old gang who stopped visiting, calling, or talking to me after the first spinal surgery. See? That's enough to drive anyone nuts. Me? I had to let it go and trust that God will be there with me as He has been so far. I am not going to be anything but who I am now. He says I'm pretty fabulous. I just want to study the Life of Moses again, with fresh eyes and expectations. What others are there for is up to them. See...I'm human, with human feeling...most of which have been crushed and stomped on, then abandoned. Yes, my feelings were hurt and I have had to deal with this. How? by forgiving them. Why? because forgiveness isn't for them, it's for me. It is freeing. I have gone through several traumatic situations in my life, a couple were life threatening and I may still be in danger of harm from one or more persons. How does one live like this? By trusting God will keep me safe and His will become more important than mine. I remember the times He saved me. I trust He will do so now as I go through the rest of my life with DDD. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. No doctor, however trained or skilled can in principle give you any guarantees. I have an excellent doctor and he won't, can't, give me any idea what will occur with my spine. Even the latest research has no real answers. They all talk in circles and it can be so confusing. I no longer check into any new research on DDD. If I'm diagnosed with yet another spinal condition( up to 4 now), then I'll google it and get over it. I am a survivor now...of many things but primarily it's up to me to live as one, not be defeated by my condition. Ask yourself one question: Who are you, your condition or ___________?fill in the blanks.
I will live as Darlene, an ongoing survivor of Degenerative Disc Disease, no matter where the journey takes me. I hope you friends...you know who you are...will be with me for the trip.
Replies