Muddling Through The Holidays
With so much on my mind lately, I have felt like a yoyo. One minute all is ok, the next I am feeling incredibly down. Stbxs words or inactions do sometimes trigger my sadness and anger at myself for continuing to put up with this for so long. Other times it may be hearing or seeing another perfect memory for others ( realizing I have very few like that for myself)
My heart is not really in it this year . Normally I put up the tree and have it lit every minute I am home to enjoy it. I was planning on putting it up a week or so ago, but the more i thought about it--- I would be lugging it out, assembling, decorating , then taking it back down all by ,myself. Like Usual. Noone even comes to the house anymore, so I decided not to bother. I do have a small tabletop tree that I am getting out tonight . Yesterday I started cookies--- tomorrow will do the other doughs and finish baking on Tuesday when I am off again. I did keep plugging to do this since people really do look forward to their favorites each year.
I do feel like I am going through the motions at times (and I know that is no way to survive) but at this point, at least I am able to keep going. I think to myself of how many others of us do fight with these same feelings...the emptiness-- loneliness---guilt for feeling envious of those who seem to have IT ALL.
My thoughts and prayers do go out to you all-- as we do stand up to ( and face) our demons and fears and emptiness and may it help us all to remember that ( when all is said and done) many of us are going through this together. Wishing ALL of us blessings this holiday season (and always)