Much More Clarity Today

After last Thursday’s session I was really confused on what my therapist was talking about.  I even called her two times (also about my leg and going to the doctor and such, too) 2 times.  I told her about yesterday and said I wanted to call her about 5 different times but didn’t.  She didn’t say a word about that.  I think she doesn’t want to encourage it but understands sometimes I just need to talk for a couple minutes.  At least I don’t need to talk to her – just her answering machine a tiny bit.  But – again – she never says no I’m thinking its OK but not too much and I really, really try not to call.  I would call every day if I could but I tell myself not to.  I think I’m really missing my best friend who died.    When I came in she commented on me talking to that guy again and seeing him again.  She’s sure he was happy.  I guessed so.  So she wanted to know about my doctor appointment and test results.  I don’t have any and the blood test may take a week to come back.  I do have to go back tomorrow for an echo cardiogram and she wondered why.  Just to check my mytrovalve prolapse I have that does nothing – they just watch it.  Maybe I’ll find out then but he might not even know I’ll be there.  Or, hopefully soon.  At least I didn’t have to stay at the hospital.  I told her I would not want to do that at all and can you imagine how I would feel about that.  She told me I’ve been facing some challenging situations lately and that would just be another.  No way!    I told her I did loose a few pounds.  She wanted to know how I did that.  I think going off the pill.  How do I know?  Last time I was 128 and now I’m 123.  She said that’s a lot of loss.  I said how it was in the morning before I ate or drank anything so maybe it’s a little more I weigh.  I do feel fat – only in one place.  Again, she didn’t say a word.  She doesn’t when I talk about this.  I guess she doesn’t want me to make an issue of it – especially with my daughter being so heavy.  Maybe she thinks I’m fat there (my tummy) and doesn’t want to tell me.  I told her I wanted to talk about yesterday and our holiday celebration.  First we went to our grandson’s performance and it was very cute.  Of course both little kids wanted to come back with us.  I told them they’ll have a longer chance to play.  We have lots of toys but sometimes they leave theirs at our house.  I’m thinking there’s something else to that - it’s secure at our house.  She agreed.  But I said how I’m the one who plays with them, does projects with them, gets on the floor with them and cleans up and everything.  Everyone else is into their Ipods, computer or TV.  30 seconds doesn’t pass with me gone that my granddaughter is calling for me and even following me every time I go to the bathroom.  My grandson a little but not as bad.  But it’s 2 extremes:  too much from the little kids and nothing from everyone else.  I did say until my son’s girlfriend came about the little kids but forgot to get into it.    I said how even my middle son was not in a good mood and that doesn’t happen very often.  I sat with him, he talked a little and then later left him alone and figured he’d come around when he wanted to.  My kids are not very nice to me.  They make fun of me and take me for granted.  I just go on and not let it show.  She said to talk to them alone.  I said when it gets bad I say something or that one time, I talked to my daughter with my therapist, before the trip I took with them.  Even my middle son whispered something to his girlfriend about my picture taking but it was no big deal for her.  He even asked me for a White Elephant gift because he thinks I have stuff laying around.  I gave him something but he couldn’t go buy something?  And I have to exchange a remote control airplane.  She knows who wrapped all the presents.  I listen to my daughter for hours but anything about me – nothing.  Yesterday she even wanted me to turn the music off – no way.  And the kids get into the holiday so much and my grandson likes being who he is.  She thought that was very nice.  I did say my daughter does like the family time and the close bonding we do when we all go out but it’s all about her.  My son’s girlfriend came later, after dinner, but we saved a plate for her.  She fits right in.  The best part was when we all played a game – my therapist has played before.  We were laughing and it ended up my son’s girlfriend won and me and my grandson next.  She said it’s almost like I have another daughter.  Yes, but we both agreed it’s too early and I don’t want to get any hopes up.  Not sure about her parents party we got invited to next week.  We’ll have to see.  And we have another big family party Friday night and one with our friends Saturday night.  I also said how my husband has a slide show of our trip to see our youngest on our computer.  I looked a couple times but that’s it – I couldn’t anymore.  My son should be here.  It really makes me sad.  She asked me if I have pictures around of him.  Yes, on our fireplace mantle all 3 kids senior pictures, and pictures around of every school year and lots others.  I’m not sure what she was getting at but said that was good.  She commented how I have so many family members here with the exception of him.  Like that’s a good thing.  It is but only half of them are nice to me.    I told her that’s all I want to talk about so she went into talking about our new goals.  On my messages she knew I didn’t know what she was talking about so she said she wasn’t clear about things last time.  She asked me if I wanted to do that – the goals.  Sure.  She asked me what I want to work on the most next.  My fear of throwing up.  She said we can do the time line and the tappers and the light bar.  Also the sand table which we haven’t done in a while.  She thought that she has a doctor kit for kids and maybe we can use things from that, too.    We can do exposures (any of them) but not to throw myself into them without doing these other things first.  I said about the videos and putting food into a bag of water.  I told her I would maybe be able to throw it at something outside but I don’t think I’d be ready yet to throw it down the toilet.  She also said that doing the exposures all the time prevent us on working on these other things.  I said how I only have those 2 that are phobias.  The rest are fears but everyone has fears.  So she searched for a piece of paper to write things down on.  We’ll talk about things and then do the time line on Thursday and asked me if that’s OK.  Sure.  So she wrote down things about that and about my encephalitis I had at age 2 ½.  She wants me (she could do it but thinks it’s good exposure for me) to look up the symptoms of what I had and long term effects.  I said I would.  We talked about my earliest memories and my hospitalizations and surgeries.  What part of the year did it happen?  I was born in April so I’d say late summer since I was bitten my a mosquito.  All from a mosquito?  Yes.  I remember my Mom saying I was just potty trained and then I wasn’t.  She asked me what that meant.  I said I started having accidents again.  At first I said day and night but then said probably day because I didn’t want to say – but I don’t think I was even dry at night back then.   I told her about the big chalkboard that every time I wet they put a mark and how much I drank – I only drank orange juice – they did the same.  Maybe I didn’t want to eat – just drink the orange juice.  She asked how I felt about it.  I wasn’t sure since I was only 2 ½.  I did remember my Mom’s concern about how much it was.  She asked about more symptoms.  Maybe a fever but I don’t know how high.    I had two operations at age four and also in the hospital for a sinus infection I remember (I had a picture with Santa in the paper and my face was swollen – medicines or sinuses I don’t know).  She said that’s a lot of hospital stays for a little girl and no wonder I don’t want to go to hospitals.  Right.  I reminded her of when I went for 5 weeks when I was 7 turning 8.  She said maybe that’s why my granddaughter is so close to me because she can sense I understand what she’s going through.    The eyes it was something about my retinas not developing, had an operation,  but I don’t have any effects now.  I used to wear contacts for a long time but they bothered me and I don’t anymore.  The leg operation my Mom said I walked like a snake and nothing about that now.  She asked if I have any scars from the operation.  Strange – no, I don’t and no ill effects now.    I think sometimes my Mom made a big deal about things being wrong with me and they maybe really weren’t (maybe they were but I don’t know).  That’s why now when something happens to me I don’t want and I don’t think anything is really wrong with me.  She thought that was good.  She wrote it down with all the other things and even asked again for me to finish explaining right after.  She also said my Mom knew how to control doctors to make things happen and to make things not happen.  How she had so much power over things.  Yes.  She also wants me to look this stuff up because I don’t remember about if I threw up from this or not.  That may be a big factor if I did.   I do remember in college a professor, not knowing I had this, told the class that anyone who had this will die at an early age and have problems with your brain.  I did talk to him but didn’t feel satisfied with what he said.  I was only about 20 and kids that age think they are invincible.  But I always remember it.  She said I haven’t died of an early death.  She thinks early is before age 50 and then changed it to before age 40.    And I said when you get older you can’t remember all the time so I don’t know.  She didn’t seem like it’s effected my brain.  But she did say about my bladder problem being neurological (neurologic bladder she wanted to call it).  I said I looked that up once and, like that guy she told me about she once met, I don’t think I have that.  That’s when sometimes you can’t go.  I can go at the drop of a hat – any time I want.  She wanted to know my diagnosis.  I said I guess overactive bladder (we’ve said this before and I guess she doesn’t remember).  She said how I’ve tried medicines and they don’t work so maybe I don’t have the classic overactive bladder.  Right.  So she wrote that down with something neurologic as a question mark.   We talked about my fear of throwing up and if I didn’t have that anymore how it would take a load off me so much.  How my kids couldn’t make fun of me anymore.  They’d find something else to make fun of.  Just Monday night my granddaughter almost looked like it after dinner and I physically turn away and hide.  My daughter laughed at me.  But it is what it is.  How I wouldn’t be afraid to get close to people when they are sick.  I’ve been doing really well lately though – but no one is sick.  I really try to keep my distances when someone is.  Yes, it would be so nice.  But she said we have to do this in steps.  OK.  She said we need to go towards working on these goals (that’s where the switching gears comes from I’m thinking) and shift away from the other problem.  Yes!  Oh, how I want to do that but I did say how things about that happen all the time.  She knows.    She said it was so good that I talked about my relationship with my best friend that died.  I think this is where she said she thought of something later about it but I’m not sure.  I said how there’s more that I didn’t tell her and I need to bring those letters in to read.  She said that can be another goal.  And I said about my relationship with her sister as well and she said her whole family.  Right.  It may be why I’m nice and friendly with others but that’s it.  I’m afraid to get closer.  And there are other things involved in this, too.  Yes, she knows.    I don’t remember at what point when we were talking that I needed to go to the bathroom but when I did I said so.  We just continued on.  I was able to talk OK and at one point I started looking like I needed to go worse.  I think I move around – my legs – a little.  She asked me if I wanted to go and I said it hasn’t been that long and asked how long it’s been.  She said 4 minutes.  No, so we just continued on.  Maybe in about 3 minutes I really needed to go.  I feel like when it gets really bad I get into a trans- like state.  That’s a weird word.  But what it feels like is I can’t concentrate on anything else if I’m talking or if someone is talking to me.  It’s like something “comes over me” at that point.  Maybe that’s what she calls zoning out or when I get that panicky feeling.  Very hard to describe.  It’s like my brain gets lost.  But just then, she must have been able to tell, she asked me if I wanted to go.  Yes.  I did and came back.    So we continued on where we were and I can’t remember exactly where.  I do know we talked about how close my daughter was with my Mom and how she’s so much like her being a fighter.  I’m not like that.  I’ll fight when I need to but mostly I don’t because I don’t want to make waves.  But my Mom was good in other ways.  She knew how to talk to people – she liked.  My daughter isn’t really like her in that way.  My daughter was not close to my mother-in-law.  She jumped at everything.    We ended by her telling me about what we are going to do with the time line on Thursday.  I think she sensed I was concerned and wanted to know more.  She told me I don’t have to prepare for anything.  She will walk me through it.  I get comfortable either sitting or laying down and we go year by year up until age 18 and then she skips years to the present.  I think of things very quickly.  I asked about doing it several times because I remember her telling me this.  Yes.  I asked her what it’s supposed to do and she said I get into my child self (she said we all have a part of this within us) and my adult takes care of this child like I would do to my grandkids.  OK.  But I didn’t say a word about what happens when I have to go to the bathroom.  We talk about other things first and once she told me we can do this 3 or 4 times in succession and it takes the whole session.  I guess we’ll cross that path when we get there.  I shouldn’t worry – yeah right!    So I left and my massage therapist was not in yet.  I sat out in the waiting room and very soon she came.  We talked a lot afterwards about my neck, back and leg pain.  She swears by chiropractors.  She said about the spine being the central of everything.  When it’s pinched off or something is wrong messages don’t get to the brain.  Then we have problem areas.  She even mentioned the kidneys as an example.  Maybe my problem is part neurological and it stems from messages to my brain.   It’s real similar to what my therapist and I were just talking about.  This was an opportunity to say something to my massage therapist about it but as always, I couldn’t.  She doesn’t need to know!  Although my therapist thinks it would be helpful.  Well … at least this time I thought about saying something but I still didn’t.  Maybe I’m getting closer.  It’s just I don’t think she’ll like me if she knows.  We talk, we laugh and all that and I don’t want anything to spoil it.  In fact we talked so long, even out in the hallway after, that I needed to go to the bathroom and finally had to say something.  I told her I was going to go to the bathroom and then we ended, said bye and such.    So my therapist seems excited we are going to do other things.  Me, too but I’m really hoping things will work.  She seemed more herself today - more upbeat, smiley and friendly - thank goodness.  I was wondering what was going on.  Yes, I am so tired of focusing on my problem and all the exposures.  Here’s my take on it.  I need the break very badly.  I need to focus and work on other things.  I want this fear of throwing up to go away because I’ve had it so long and I’m so tired of it.  I know things about my problem will come into play more often than I want it to and we need to deal with it when it happens.  Even though we are trying new approaches, exposures we need to do every so often so I know how to react and remember in different situations.  And, I need to continue to drink more to expand my bladder and wait as long as I can.  I can’t give up on that because when I do I regress … I really do.  Change is good and switching gears is good … I hope so very much!